»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Yesterdays Revisited - Life's grand theft
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Yesterdays Revisited - Life's grand theft |
|
|
Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
|
Yesterdays Revisited - Life's grand theft +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I ponder ~~~~~~~~ Spontaneous thoughts, black wall, Long drawn curtains, blocking daylight, Dark figures, shady shadows crawling tall, Images from those days come into troubled sight Tentacles of yesterday come to bite, Walls of this empty room bound to crush, A paper boat, drowning, floating not so quite, A whirlpool of sorrowful tears, unfortunate rush. Flashback ~~~~~~~~~ Sitting on mid-summer's bar stool, sipping my cooling drink of ale, Nay, not liquor, it tended to hinder my cool, a dash of lime, the time so pale, Evening sun had set, dropping the thermometer by many a degree Neon lamps were lit, flashing on the night's light, to my heart setting out a flame's decree. A lady in a red skirt, long legs I saw, Silhouetted svelte figure, slender neck, Stylish blonde hair, I beheld agape, An open jaw, as for the lass, she walked past the deck. Grabbing the bar, I held myself still, wondering if she would ever turn, and look, Suddenly, she turned staring right through, a slanted glance, a half-smile, an invitation I took. Got off the stool, walked to her, gingerly, passed a customary greeting, a cursory glance, I pored deep into her bluish eyes, was lovely, a face - most fascinating, and a glitter - a trance. I offered her a hand while music blared, Swing-time it wreaked, salsa I never knew, A rose, placed in her mouth, delicate and cared, The aim now was to take the rose away, whew! Surprising myself, I did quite well, as I effortless lifted her light body Claps around, cheers did swell, a little blush, she had me transfixed already. A gentle kiss, a nod of the head, she brushed my hair, arousing my furious passion, Soft, tender skin, I caressed her neck instead, she seemed to love it, and liquor was back in fashion. A shot of tequila, gin or whisky with ice, whatever it took, To calm my nerves, I was ready to have a go, A few drinks later, a 'long-island ice tea' was up, felt like a spook, She gently whispered, "shall we go?" What she saw in me, I would never know, I was happy, gladdened to the skies, Starry summer night- tempestuous celestial show, Tonight, I was ready to go to all highs A few days went by, as weeks rolled on, Two lovebirds chirped melodies into the summer skies, Two creatures whispering in a language of their own, Two lives joined as one soul to rise. Soon, the beautiful warm season came to an end, Dark clouds gathered, the sun had given way, Heavy rains lashed, lightning struck, violent trend, Bickering became common features, quarrels many each day, Warmth in the land had drifted apart, Peace of soul, love had withered away, With loving words, I caressed her heart, Alas! Couldn't cool her tempest, had to give way. She left me, sought another man, took away my money that I did not mind, Called me names, I shoved them in a can, heart broken, bruised, I was left behind. Two hearts had joined in unison, one soul, when the soul then breaks away, The body is left without a goal - listless predicament of life's travesty makes headway. I sight visions ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To this day, I see them sights, Her lovely face, her blue eyes bright, Half-opened lips, innocence that invites, Casual, angel-winged heart the passion it ignites. Each time, I take a look at nature's delights, Brilliant radiant, shiny faces, beautiful smiles, My heart pulsates, sadly, deprived of lights, Each photo from beauty magazines, my soul hitherto defiles Conclusions ~~~~~~~~~~~ I had quenched my thirst with beauty, Tried to cling on to its wealth, used all my might Had overdone my love perhaps, a pity, Now I learned, all that glittered was not a golden sight… But to this day, the sour taste remained, Of ills that the past relation left, Dark throes feeling injustice, nothing gained Denial of life's pleasure, life's grand theft… +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yesterdays Revisited in May 2000 Criticize to your will, and please let me know how this could be bettered...Thanks in advance... |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi Sudhir It was a nice poem portraying the longing even after it's gone. You were happy when you were with her. But when she's gonhe pe craving for her, I guess will ruin happiness. I'm beginning to believe that you can love a person only if there's mutual trust and affection otherwise its just an attraction or lust. I cannot suggest how you can make the poem better or the relation better. But longing and regret are just a waste of time. Sometimes we have to reason things. Sincerely A_L |
||
|
Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
amazon, thanks for reading this one and posting your veiw points. I really appreciate what you say, but is it not the most difficult of things to do, to let memories hide in a closet? One has to get over certain things, but the memories would flash back time and forth... But, a sincere thanks to you for your time spent in reading this one... Regards, sudhir. |
||
|
Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
pushing this up for your esteemed critiques once again.... please post your views, they help in the making of a rustic brat into a educated brat......will you? regards and thanks |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
First, I like the theme -- it's a bit melodramatic but there's nothing wrong with melodrama now and then. Second, you really need to edit, edit, edit. You have moments of a good story here but you get so lost in your own feelings that you lost the reader about half way and then the reader realizes that it's not even half way yet. Let's get into more detail, shall we? More later, Brad |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Continuing: I ponder ~~~~~~~~ Spontaneous thoughts, black wall, Long drawn curtains, blocking daylight, Dark figures, --right about here, the beginning starts to get tedious. This can be a really powerful beginning but make sure it is not overdone. shady shadows crawling tall, Images from those days come into troubled sight --Don't see any reason for the rest of this. Tentacles of yesterday come to bite, Walls of this empty room bound to crush, --this almost works but I found the rhyme protruding into the story line. I would drop the rhyme altogether and just tell the story. I'm not against rhyme, I just think it's a hard thing to do well. A paper boat, drowning, floating not so quite, --tantalizing line but it is strained by your rhyme. A whirlpool of sorrowful tears, unfortunate rush. --sorry, just plain useless. Flashback ~~~~~~~~~ --personal bias, perhaps, but I don't think these 'titles' are necessary. The stanza breaks make it clear enough. More later, Brad |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Sitting on mid-summer's bar stool --reminds one of Shakespeare. Do you really want to use 'mid-summer'? , sipping my cooling drink of ale, --'sipping' and 'cooling' strain the effect of the line. Again, I think you're on the right track but beware of 'ing' if used too much. 'Cooling' is vague. Nay, not liquor, --'Nay'-- what century are we in again? it tended to hinder my cool, a dash of lime, the time so pale, Evening sun had set, dropping the thermometer by many a degree --you move from 'cool' to 'many a degree'. Consistency in a poem such as this is usually a good thing. Be careful not to vary your voice. It doesn't sound like one person. Neon lamps were lit, flashing on the night's light, to my heart setting out a flame's decree. --first parts are okay but why do you even need that last part. Also, your use of short, quick phrases is interesting but too often starts to sound like you 'jotting' them down without thinking about them first. A lady in a red skirt, long legs I saw, Silhouetted svelte figure, slender neck, Stylish blonde hair, --except for the stilted syntax, this works well. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I beheld agape, An open jaw, as for the lass, she walked past the deck. --you are now telling us instead of showing us. 'agape' and 'open jaw' are repetitious. 'lass'? Also, make sure your grammatical units are also consistent -- it turns off the reader when you put down so many different styles for no reason. At least, no reason I can see except some idea that this is what a poem SHOULD sound like. It's true that Dylan Thomas played around with syntax all the time (and has been criticized for just that) but it still sounds great when he did it. Actually, a friend of mine once said that his poems actually reflected a certain Welsh sensibility when it came to the language and that is why, in one sense, he could get away with all that whacky stuff. I don't know but just be careful when you do these things. Grabbing the bar, I held myself still, wondering if she would ever turn, and look, Suddenly, she turned staring right through, a slanted glance, a half-smile, an invitation I took. --this could be made tighter but it's not bad except for the irritating recurrance of whacky syntax -- why end this thing with 'I took'? Got off the stool, walked to her, gingerly, passed a customary greeting, a cursory glance, --I think there's a lot more that could be played with here. I see a whole poem in just this sort of situation. I pored deep into her bluish eyes, --bluish? Are they blue or grey or what? Don't waffle when it comes to adjectives. was lovely, a face - most fascinating, and a glitter - a trance. --useless. Give us more description. I offered her a hand while music blared, Swing-time it wreaked, --syntax again. And I wonder what kind of romantic poem you're trying to write if you use the word 'wreaked' -- again be careful of a consistent voice. salsa I never knew, --the dance or the food? A rose, placed in her mouth, delicate and cared, The aim now was to take the rose away, whew! --I liked this part. Even the 'whew' -- if you think about this image for a bit you have a splendid image for a simple, romantic comedy poem (I write these all the time). Surprising myself, I did quite well, as I effortless lifted her light body --Drop this. It seems rather self-absorbed. Indeed, you may have been surprised but don't tell people. It sounds insincere. Claps around, cheers did swell, a little blush, she had me transfixed already. A gentle kiss, a nod of the head, she brushed my hair, arousing my furious passion, Soft, tender skin, I caressed her neck instead, she seemed to love it, and liquor was back in fashion. --seen the Thomas Crowne Affair yet? A shot of tequila, gin or whisky with ice, whatever it took, To calm my nerves, I was ready to have a go, A few drinks later, a 'long-island ice tea' was up, felt like a spook, --two points: a)sounds to me like you're starting to get drunk. b) 'spook' is a very dangerous word to use. It has a meaning and one that is possible here that will very quickly get you kicked off this board. If you don't know what I mean, e-mail and I'll explain this. She gently whispered, "shall we go?" What she saw in me, I would never know, --drop this second line. Nobody I know is worried about this at this time of the 'moment'. I was happy, gladdened to the skies, Starry summer night- tempestuous celestial show, --overused Tonight, I was ready to go to all highs --expand and try for something more original. A few days went by, as weeks rolled on, Two lovebirds chirped melodies into the summer skies, --again unoriginal. I think you've lost some steam here and are just writing useless, overused images because you 'know' that the poem just doesn't quite come together yet. You're right but now it's time to clean up the other parts. Two creatures whispering in a language of their own, Two lives joined as one soul to rise. --Same. Soon, the beautiful warm season came to an end, Dark clouds gathered, the sun had given way, Heavy rains lashed, lightning struck, violent trend, Bickering became common features, quarrels many each day, Warmth in the land had drifted apart, --Okay, the relationship's ending. While this isn't very original, it does work -- the short choppy clauses reflect the change. Perhaps, work on giving it a slightly more natural style? Peace of soul, love had withered away, With loving words, I caressed her heart, Alas! Couldn't cool her tempest, had to give way. --Shakespeare again. But this is useless anyway. See above on running out of steam. She left me, sought another man, took away my money that I did not mind, Called me names, I shoved them in a can, --don't let internal rhyme take your poem over anymore than end rhyme -- 'man' 'can'. heart broken, bruised, I was left behind. Two hearts had joined in unison, one soul, when the soul then breaks away, The body is left without a goal --rhyme problem. Too vague to be very interesting. Stick with the description of the scene itself. you've got something going there. - listless predicament of life's travesty makes headway. --Huh? I sight visions ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To this day, I see them sights, --'them sights'? Huh? Her lovely face, her blue eyes bright, Half-opened lips, innocence that invites, Casual, angel-winged heart the passion it ignites. --again unoriginal but I find it hard to believe that this woman is in anyway innocent. Each time, I take a look at nature's delights, Brilliant radiant, shiny faces, beautiful smiles, My heart pulsates, sadly, deprived of lights, Each photo from beauty magazines, my soul hitherto defiles --'hitherto'? Your using 'soul' too much. I'd say not use it at all but, hey, that's up to you. Conclusions ~~~~~~~~~~~ I had quenched my thirst with beauty, Tried to cling on to its wealth, used all my might Had overdone my love perhaps, a pity, Now I learned, all that glittered was not a golden sight¡¦ But to this day, the sour taste remained, Of ills that the past relation left, Dark throes feeling injustice, nothing gained Denial of life's pleasure, life's grand theft¡¦ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Yesterdays Revisited in May 2000 --Drop this. If you're poem can't show that this is what you want people to say than you need to rewrite the poem, not tell us what you mean. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
WOW, Brad, Now I know that I have so much more to learn...Thank you for that. I really appreciate the extraordinary efforts from you to provide me with so much more insight into writing ... I am instantly aware that this has to be reworked and I am starting this as I write this... Thank a lot for your help so far... Now, I have reworked the first part Could you please check if this one is a better start? .... Spontaneous thoughts, black wall, Long drawn curtains block daylight, Dark figures loom tall, As tentacles of yesterdays come to bite, Walls of this empty room rush to crush, A paper boat drowns in mighty tide ... I await more comments from you, as I wait patiently, thanking you profusely... Many regards, Sudhir [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 06-10-2000).] |
||
|
lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
errr. Not much point in adding anything else is there?. However, 1. Great story 2. I agree, edit 3. I agree get rid of titles 4. I agree "To this day, I see them sights", "them" has to go. And, if this is based on reality. I know it's hard, but forget her, it looks like she was using you and you deserve someone better. Someone who treats you badly isn't your kindred spirit. Lotharingia "For God's sake, he's a poet. Poets are meant to feel miserable. Otherwise, what the hell are they here for? What are they going to write about?" Tom Holland |
||
|
lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
I've been thinking about this one and have to following deep and profound thoughts to add  about the salsa, it's obvious that it's the music you're referring to: I offered her a hand while music blared, Swing-time it wreaked, salsa I never knew, -what's Mexican sauce got to do with that? And about midsummer, I think that's perfectly OK too. I mean "nosegay" might be considered to be Shakespearean, but not midsummer, I've even seen that word used in reports about company sales "... profits had plummeted by midsummer ... ", and no one would call that Shakespearean, would they? Not very important or even remotely useful, I know, but I thought I'd share my thoughts anyway. Lotharingia "For God's sake, he's a poet. Poets are meant to feel miserable. Otherwise, what the hell are they here for? What are they going to write about?" Tom Holland |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
