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I flinched
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I flinched |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
I flinched, and that was about it. 96 westbound at 75 mph, I flinched when the majestic dragonfly hit my windshield. flinch. washer. wiper. forgotten. Funny how such a significant event in one creature's life can mean so little to the other involved. I read her diary last night when she was in the shower. I had already known she was fading, I knew it was over. But I must admit I was shocked, she didn't even need to use her wipers. |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
Whew! Great comparison here between the two endings. Makes me wonder if this lady is as cold as she sounds. Maybe she used wipers, but somewhere in private (besides her diary). This was short, but you delivered everything I think you wanted to deliver. I enjoyed it. |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
In all fairness, Jana - I think she did. At least that's the version I'm currently selling myself on! Thanks for the input. [This message has been edited by Gonzalo (edited 06-04-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Jimtoo, So nice to see you here!  This is wonderful!! Perfectly set up beginning lines...excellent imagery. I loved the line: "flinch. washer. wiper. forgotten", and the last line; a dead-on, powerful end to a very nice piece of work. I'd like to see some of the prose you've written, as you say you are better at that than poetry. It must be perfectly splendid. Thanks for a great read, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
Thanks, Kris. Even though I'm pretty new and don't have much time to post - I like it a lot around here, too. And don't worry, I'm much happier than most of my posts might imply. It's just more fun to exaggerate when complaining! I'll e-mail you some of my other stuff when I get a chance. I must warn you, though, it's kinda out there- might put that "trust issue" we discussed earlier to the test. -Jimtoo |
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PoetasterD Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42Florida |
I really like poems like this! Short, to the point, and it says all that it needs to say. Plus it is a very interesting anology. Best wishes, Poetaster D |
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Tennessee Angel Senior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 661Tennessee |
I loved it! I was totally impressed with the imagery. I hope to read more of your work. "That man has shown himself great who has never grieved in evil days and never bewailed his destiny." --Seneca |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hola gonzalo! i thought this one was really cool. nice and tight, as i like to say. ony thing i have to offer, is instead of sayin "at 75 mph" you could try, "going 75". just a tiny thought  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Very good choice of words. Short and to the point. Excellent and unusual analogy too. Very well done. Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You've got a strong beginning but you lose me with: Funny how such a significant event in one creature's life can mean so little to the other involved. Seems you've moved from a splendid image into having to explain to me what you mean. It seems wordy and awkward. I also have problems with 'fade' -- think you can be a little bit more descriptive. And why in the world is using 'wipers' in this context all that great? The way I see that image, it's still a 'brush off'. Brad |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
Thank you all for your comments! I'll consider most of the suggestions when I re-write this one, but I really want to set this whole topic aside for a while. In the 'wipers' line, Brad, I guess I wanted the emphasis on 'even'- of course it wouldn't have been great to be brushed aside by the wipers, but the shock revealed in the diary was that she didn't even have to go that 'far.' |
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