Critical Analysis #1 |
I took your advise, Brad, so read & critique this! |
Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
When things were different between you and I I loved to see the whole world through your eyes. I liked to hear the stories of where you’d been and when we’d finally go there, it seemed like meeting a dear but distant friend. All the laughter we shared directed mostly at ourselves, like the beach in Southern France... When the rain pelted down suddenly, so hard it hurt and there you were dancing in the surf cackling wildly, like a maniac. Remember how you said I was your better half? And as we watched the world go by us I thought we were happy, our mutual world safe, secure. I never saw the signs, the deeds that came before me. Were you haunted by the past? And tell me, where does love go when it’s in the past? All those hours together, intertwined... shared experiences, children, goals, dreams, support... Like soap bubbles bursting in the air whimsically, it seems, as the membrane thins. Is this how love goes...slowly, or suddenly...I guess it matters not. |
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© Copyright 2000 Jana Tovey - All Rights Reserved | |||
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jana, Don't know if you want my opinion, but I'll give it to you anyway. I liked the original a lot...this one is an entirely different poem. Instead of a "rant, as others called the first one, this exudes a sense of longing for the past, for the love, the security. You express yourself well, and in a situation such as this, there would be the proverbial gamut of emotion, including the hurt and anger in the initial post, and the sadness and longing in this one. I especially liked the bubble comparison ... thinning, then bursting. You've used straight-forward, simple language, which I prefer also, and presented the thoughts and imagery so nicely. I don't care what Brad says ... I liked both of the poems. Very nice work, Jana, thanks for both of the reads, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Jana Tovey Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257USA |
This IS a different poem. I tried to think of just positive things. I had to keep rewriting, cutting out every other line (nearly), as I wrote this, but having done it...it was a more positive experience. I guess the rant had to come before it, though. The sense of longing that you detect here is more a longing for the shared times, the person I used to know and love. He's SO gone, though, so I'm getting on with life...trying to reach a new level. Writing about it all helps, too, because I get feelings sorted out in my head. Thanks for your response. All of your remarks were very helpful. |
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