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Critical Analysis #1
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Jana Tovey
Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257
USA

0 posted 2000-06-02 10:42 PM


When things were different
between you and I
I loved to see the
whole world
through your eyes.
I liked to hear
the stories of
where you’d been
and when we’d finally go there,
it seemed like meeting
a dear but distant  friend.

All the laughter we shared
directed mostly
at ourselves,
like the beach
in Southern France...
When the rain
pelted down
suddenly, so hard it hurt
and there you were
dancing in the surf
cackling wildly, like a maniac.

Remember how you said
I was your better half?
And as we watched
the world go by us
I thought
we were happy,
our mutual world
safe, secure.
I never saw
the signs, the deeds
that came before me.
Were you haunted by the past?

And tell me, where does love go
when it’s in the past?
All those hours
together, intertwined...
shared experiences,
children, goals,
dreams, support...
Like soap bubbles
bursting in the air
whimsically, it seems,
as the membrane thins.
Is this how love goes...slowly,
or suddenly...I guess it matters not.

© Copyright 2000 Jana Tovey - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-06-03 12:23 PM


Jana,

Don't know if you want my opinion, but I'll give it to you anyway. I liked the original a lot...this one is an entirely different poem. Instead of a "rant, as others called the first one, this exudes a sense of longing for the past, for the love, the security. You express yourself well, and in a situation such as this, there would be the proverbial gamut of emotion, including the hurt and anger in the initial post, and the sadness and longing in this one.

I especially liked the bubble comparison ... thinning, then bursting. You've used straight-forward, simple language, which I prefer also, and presented the thoughts and imagery so nicely.

I don't care what Brad says  ... I liked both of the poems.

Very nice work, Jana, thanks for both of the reads,
Kris

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Jana Tovey
Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257
USA
2 posted 2000-06-03 09:57 PM


This IS a different poem.  I tried to think of just positive things.  I had to keep rewriting, cutting out every other line (nearly), as I wrote this, but having done it...it was a more positive experience.  I guess the rant had to come before it, though.
The sense of longing that you detect here is more a longing for the shared times, the person I used to know and love.  He's SO gone, though, so I'm getting on with life...trying to reach a new level.
Writing about it all helps, too, because I get feelings sorted out in my head.  Thanks for your response.  All of your remarks were very helpful.

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