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kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

0 posted 2000-05-29 10:56 PM

Staggering unsteadily, my friend bragged unabashedly
"Why, i don't need to restrain myself.That is only for sissies"
Dismissing me impatiently,
He took another long gulp from the bottle

Those were his final words
Uncannily still, morbidly pretty,
He laid permanent in his coffin
His wife and kids stood trance-like,
their faces contorted with grief
as they valiantly tried to suppress their tears

His car had crashed on that fatal night.
He was killed instantly

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-05-30 01:12 AM

kaile,

Though this piece has a moral and a tale to tell, I would change a few things...

The line about the final words is not truly believable, as the speaker obviously wasn't with the man during his crash. I would perhaps change that to "the last words I heard him say", or something to that effect.

I also think you could probably eliminate the last two lines by just adding a fifth line to the first stanza saying that you watched him as he drove away.

Very good effort, kaile,

Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

peppermint35
Senior Member

since 2000-05-28

Posts 1106
Texas, USA

2 posted 2000-05-30 01:42 AM

I really liked this work. It has a clear and concise message and was presented in a style that left me convinced... good work.

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

3 posted 2000-05-30 01:10 PM

hi kaile! I agree with Kris, its always a little tricky when you're working with a moral. but i have to say, i think the quote is unbeleivable because it doesnt sound like something someone would actually say, especially not while drunk. plus, i think it would add punch to your peice to lay out his words as they actually would've been - highly slurred a touch angry maybe and blunt. not that you need to add in the slurring, cuz that would be kinda confusing and/or annoying, i suspect. i didnt have the confusion between the man and the speaker Kris saw, so i think that parts fine. ill be quiet now.
luv Elyse

Jeffrey Carter

Member Elite

since 2000-04-08

Posts 2367
State of constant confusion!

4 posted 2000-06-26 02:24 AM

Hi Kaile,

I don't normally like to critique anyone's work, but since you asked

I must agree with what Kris has already said. I think you did very well with this piece , it just needs to be refined a little

All my love,
Jeffrey

Forrest Cain
Member

since 2000-04-21

Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

5 posted 2000-06-26 07:32 AM

Kaile I agree with warnheart on the 5th line.
Still liked your poem and it bears out a thought I had last year after my best friend committed suicide. That is:

your life is not your own
it belongs to those who love and need you and to those you love and need.

good piece forrest

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2000-06-26 11:22 AM

Hi Kaile,

Looks like we all tend to agree with Kris on line 5. But I'm not sure I would drop the last 2 lines though. Poems presenting a "moral message" can be difficult to pull off with being too preachy. You have a good start here though.

Although I don't come up with any concrete suggestions at this time, it seems like you might change a few words or even lines to be a little more poetic and a little less preachy.

Pete

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