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Dreams of the Dreamer
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dreams of the Dreamer |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
Dreams of the Dreamer Always of him I dream, My eyes open and wide Lying in my bed at night As fond memories of him Come crowding into my mind, Surrounding me, Lulling me I can feel him there Right there At my side Holding me close to him, Making me feel so very safe, As he holds me so very tightly Sometimes I can turn my head, Just ever so slightly, Thats all it takes, And then, If I'm lucky, Feel his soft, gentle lips Touching my neck, and my cheek As they tenderly caress me And lightly kiss me there Then closing my eyes, His fingers stroking my hair I slide into sleep And yes, While I sleep, He is there with me too Still holding me tight Appearing to watch over me, Maybe seeing me in his dreams? Maybe one day I'll ask him He keeps me warm and safe Into and all throughout The long, lonely night Well, At least to me, This is just how it seems Dedicated by Clara to 'The Dreamer' with love [This message has been edited by Clara (edited 05-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Clara - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Welcome to the forum, Clara! Nice poem, the shape of the line lengths reminds me of a poem by Herrick. A small typo with lieing (e goes away when ing comes to stay!!) but good work! -Tim |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
Thank you Tim for your warm welcome and your kindness. I have also now corrected my spelling error lol |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
I liked the message this gave me. It read well and evoked good feelings. Good work!! Peppermint Life is a Wheel |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS and also to CA, enjoy your stay here. btw, this one is quite good. Regards, sudhir p.s. critiques reserved for future poems..  Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. |
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Clara Junior Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 21England, but moving to Sweden this year |
Thanks guys I suddenly thought if I want help it might be useful to post how this poem started life as it was a bit different to how it appears now. I would be very interested in any comments about the changes, the original or the one above....even if it is my first post. I value your advice as you all seem far more experieinced than I . I also promise not to cry First I dream with eyes open wide As fond memories of him surround me I can feel him right there at my side Holding me close, so very tightly I can turn my head just slightly if I dare To feel his soft lips on my neck and cheek As they gently caress and kiss me there Before closing my eyes, I drift off to sleep In my dreams he is there holding me tight Watching over me, seeing me in his dreams? Keeping me safe throughout the night Or at least to me that is just how it seems Clara |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome again, to PIP & CA, Clara, I thought this was a very tender, romantic poem. I liked the second version bettet (unusual for me as I usually write free verse). That version had a smooth, lyrical rhythm befitting the poem. The only change I would suggest would be the last line. The rest of the piece has an almost surreal feel to it, and the last line just has too much reality, or is worded in a way that kinda bursts the bubble. For a first post, this was very nicely done. I enjoyed the read. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
clara-- welcome to passions! i like the original version in your reply above better than the longer revision, i think because it is tighter. adding more doesn't always add more, know what i mean? neither version uses any kind of imagery, but this didn't bother me when reading the original version as much as it did in the longer revision. the revision is perhaps more dreamy in a sense, but that is not totally absent from the original, and the original is much less wordy. (compare the original's "In my dreams he is there holding me tight / Watching over me, seeing me in his dreams?" to the revision "And yes, / While I sleep, / He is there with me too / Still holding me tight / Appearing to watch over me, / Maybe seeing me in his dreams?") the rhyming in the original needs a little work, perhaps, but overall i thought it was a much more satisfying poem, very sweet. i agree with kris, though, the last line in either version is a let down, i think it's a flippant way to end a poem, and kind of a cheap trick; it doesn't, in my opinion, add depth, like i think you may have intended. thanks for sharing this with us; i really enjoyed seeing the different versions of the poem, thought that was very interesting. i hope to see more of your work out here soon. jenni |
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