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Finding Someone
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Finding Someone |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
The single beats in my chest, regularly, Like the solo river flows, Day in, day out, Only shattered by thoughts of old age. I look after the beats like I do the hair on my own head- Just my concern, give or take the passing comments about my- my messy appearance. Take care of your hair, try these on, maybe this will do the trick, A voice sharing precious concern? Suddenly, a second beat echoes close to my own and that head of hair or shabby appearance are no longer only my concerns, and that river conflates a churning sound as another break its regular run. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Welcome to Passions  It's so rare that I get a chance to be the first to say that anymore. Nice to see someone else in this part of the world writing poetry. Overall, not a bad poem but it might do with some expansion here and there. Day in, day out, Only shattered by thoughts of old age. I like the trochaic shift here with 'Day in, Day out' but what about expanding that a bit and making the sound of the 'beat' clearer? 'messy' doesn't work for me. Nor does 'precious concern' -- reminds me to much of "My preciousssssss" as worded my Golum in Tolkien. Still, you have some nice double plays going here and I like the use of some of your metaphors -- the hair part and the rivers conflating did indeed give me that 'spark' of recognition that I look for in a poem. thanks, Brad |
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redshoes Junior Member
since 2000-05-22
Posts 12Massachusetts |
I like your use of "solo" and "single" with plurals like "beats". Very well written and insightful, with a lot of contrasting words. I'm new to the forum too- I'm glad I'm not the only newbie!-redshoes |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
first critique the critique (or maybe query the critique would be better) ...... What is a "trochaic shift" ? What is a "double play" ? Gollum has two ells unlike Philip which has ONE  Hi Seoulman ... ever consider changing the screen name to "Soulman" you'd please one of our moderators soooooo much? Although I liked the overall "feel" and "sound" of this it bothered me that i was having trouble interpreting parts of it. Brad mentions "double plays", well either i don't know what one of those is or else i do and I’m just being slow tonight, but i’m having problems finding any of them. I guess the central theme is someone alone with his own introversions and his perceived deficiencies who then subsequently and fortuitously meets his “soulmate”! A kind of “problem shared is a problem halved” scenario, although i’m sure that’s way too simplistic. quote: still has me puzzled. Are we talking music here! Ah HA even as we type ..lol..... a modicum of comprehension dawns ... heh heh .....double play ... cancel the question Brad i guess i have one of your double plays - single as in sole as well .. .. gawd i am sooooooo intelligent !! Also i notice we now have a selection of the “s” word:seoul ......... soul .............. sole ...... a small diversion that ... anyway ... as i was saying .. nice double play on single and i like the way you develop the theme of aloneness until the third stanza when another voice is introduced (although i have to say that my wife and i have never shared the same concern about my hair or lack of it .. so this doesn’t have a convincing ring to me ) .. i digress again ... i didn’t have the same difficultly as brad with the “precious” .. but all the same i disliked it for less convoluted reasons than it conjuring up visions of some slimy creature in a cave playing riddles, quite simply it sounded ... well .. just a little too precious. (You may not have the other (sorta slang) meaning of precious that we have in the UK ..in which case you won’t know what the heck i mean!) The very best bit of the poem for me was: quote: although i think i might have used “the” instead of “that”... Sorry to ramble and obfuscate I’m just in a kinda funny mood tonight (yes jim even funnier than usual) .. they aren’t all like me here y’know .. some are quite normal ............ pushed to think who right now .. but anyway .. welcome to CA ... Philip |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Phirrup, I see no reason why you must continuallly point out my 'plobrem' with 'elle'. Just because I have made a few errors here and there and ocasionarry add or subtract one of those pesky rittllle creatures, is no reason to keep pointing it out. You know, I could spell your name Pirupu which is how it would be pronounced in Japanese. LLeave me arone. Blad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Exhibit 1 m'lud - the above reply ... ... like i said .. "normal" doesn't come as standard round these parts ... (lol Bad )[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 05-31-2000).] |
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