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Blue Haze
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Blue Haze |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Blue Haze inner-outer, beyond the stars we`ve lost the meaning of who we are no memories of life`s first breath or fetal dreams that rise and fall like ocean waves that spill the swell across the breech of ancient shores we stroke the flower of measured time and call the name of God. forrest 2000 [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 05-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
some well written lines in here... i'd lose the slash between inner/outer, tho... coin a new word with it... just an idea,,, let's see how it looks "innerouter".. yeah, i like that.. hehe loved these lines, "we stroke the flower of measured time" enjoyed the read. thanks |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
nah, i dont like "innerouter". id put a hyphen or somethin instead. i might not repeat memory again so soon. there must be some other way to say that. for picky things... fedal<---like this lifes needs an apostrophy. also, you might play with naming a type of flower istead of saying just "flower". although its good how it is. really interesting idea, thought provoking. i wonder what kind of haze exactly it was that Forrest was in when he wrote this poem.  luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse how did I ever live without you. forrest |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Forrest, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this smooth-flowing, silken piece; the words are woven together so well. I have read other poems you've written, and you have a great deal of talent. This one has a profound sensuality to it, though it is done so elegantly. Loved it. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The quality of this piece is such that it sounds like thoughts rambling [usually how I think, no wonder I like it] and while the theme stayed true throughout the thoughts took you from birth to death all in the name of God. Well done! Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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redshoes Junior Member
since 2000-05-22
Posts 12Massachusetts |
Reminds me of the inscape and instress of Gerard Manly Hopkins, especially "Pied Beauty" or "Spring". Very rhythmic feel to it. Serene and calming (especially after my commute!) [This message has been edited by redshoes (edited 05-23-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
My thanks for the the feedback which is much to kind, but an excellent means to objective review. thanks forrest |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Forrest, "inner-outer beyond the stars we`ve lost the feeling of who we are no memories of life`s first breath or fetal dreams that rise and fall like ocean waves that spill the swell across the breech of ancient shores we stroke the flower of measured time and call the name of God." I thought that perhaps you could have continued on the thought of fetal dreams swelling across the universe before cutting to the across the breech, also perhaps consider using something other than "of ancient shores" and more directly describe the idea rather than a metaphor, ie. across the breech/ of sublime levees....ya I know that sucks but just a quick idea to maybe inspire. I didn't think the inner-outer worked though the contrast would. Consider rewording that line. Also I didn't think the "flower of measured time" was a fitting description. All in all the poem flows eloquently and has a really good theme though I think it could be worded better. Just my opinion, thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
forrest-- i liked this piece alot once i got past the first line, i'm afraid "inner-outer" just doesn't work for me. i liked the "flower of measured time;" it conjured up, to me, a stem of yesterdays, and today's bloom which will, tomorrow, fade. nice work, forrest, thanks for sharing it with us! jenni |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I enjoyed your poem. Unlike you I remember being in my mother's womb. It was wet and It was crowded. I also remember I did not dream as a fetus. At that time I was the dream. Of course shortly after birth I was soundly brought to reality by my mean and scheming brother. Yes the very one who put me in a wagon and filled it with Kerosene. I am just thankful he had no matches. Loved the poem. It was not morbid or sad just made me ponder. Do you have any poems about monkey cheese? |
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