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Critical Analysis #1
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919
New York, USA

0 posted 2000-05-13 11:54 AM


Once cocooned in darkness,
Now forced into the light,
Until he feels his mother's touch,
He'll wage his mighty fight.
So clear the eyes of innocence,
Of this child, just minutes old,
The secrets behind them hiding,
Forgotten, unspoken, untold.
He has the look of an aged man,
With a furrowed, troubled brow,
Frowning almost as if he knows,
The struggles life will endow.
Tightly in a blanket wrapped,
Placed gently in her arms,
Contented sighs of comfort,
Protected from life's harms.






[This message has been edited by BSC (edited 05-13-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Bonnie Church - All Rights Reserved
MagnoliaBlue
Member
since 2000-05-12
Posts 367

1 posted 2000-05-13 02:32 PM


This is done very well.Thought-provoking. Descriptive.A good read. Keep writing!

 

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
2 posted 2000-05-13 02:50 PM


hi BSC!  you might get a better flow to this if you cut a few words, i was thinking


Once cocooned in darkness,
now forced into light,

and maybe

Contented sighs of comfort,
protected from life's harms

you dont really need the "he"s here, we know who you're talking about.  and you might consider a few line inversions, such as

the secrets behind them hiding

tightly in a blanket wrapped


it emphasizes the final words a little, and it doesnt hurt your rhyme scheme.  it might be fun to play with that.  that's all from me  
luv Elyse




 Do I contradict myself?
Very well then . . . . I contradict myself;
I am large . . . . I contain multitudes.
-Papa Walt

BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919
New York, USA
3 posted 2000-05-13 03:25 PM


Magnolia - Thanks for reading this, I've still got a lot to learn.
Elyse - Thank you, I know I get too wordy, but have trouble knowing which words to change.  Thanks for the advice.  Bonnie

doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
4 posted 2000-05-13 03:39 PM


there is a lot of truth in these words... i've often saw the age & wisdom in a newborn's face ... you have portrayed this picture well. Thank you for the read.
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

5 posted 2000-05-13 06:34 PM


Hi Bonnie,

I, too liked the lines comparing the babe to an old man. Also very good were the two lines about the secrets forgotten and untold...I loved those.

There are a few extra syllables here and there, but that is easily remedied...for example, in the fourth line, just try to replace continue with a one syllable word that would be appropriate, and you'll see how much better it sounds.

Very nice work, Bonnie,
Kris

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

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