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Critical Analysis #1
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Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

0 posted 2000-05-03 09:12 PM


Sounds Of The Wind

I remember a time of
drift river sun
and green mountain nights
looking up at the sky
and seeing the light of stars
as it danced from her eyes
like a nebulous  mist  
to spill like water
past my fingertips
its beauty too perfect to hold
and the night birds sang a dizzy song
as I followed the night path home.

(her hair a brush of moonlight
wisps of clouds woven through)


And I remember a time
beneath the shade of the willow
drowsy nearly asleep
then the winds picked up
and the clouds darkened
and the hills shook with thunder
and we ran with reckless abandon
arms outstretched splattering every puddle
and we saved the stuff that rainbows
are made of
for a day when the sun
wouldn`t shine.

(breathless the rain
her breasts as she ran)


and I remember a time
of four leaf clovers and wildwood honey
and sipping water from lost rock spring
and we picked blackberries along crooked
creek run and dug sassafras root
to make tea
and I remember our times together
chasing moonshadows
and lightening bugs
and butterflies
like flowers adrift on the wind.
and I carried her across drowning man
creek so she wouldn`t get mud on her feet.

(her legs reaching up
the curve of her back)


and I remember a time
of Sunday night sermons
and long-winded preachers
and how we set in the
back of the church pew
side by side holding hands
she`d  blush at the thought
that someone would see
us there.
and after church we`d walk
the ridge road home
my jacket draped over
her shoulder
and in the evenings
we`d sit where the
curve of the hill
touched the sky
and watched
the sun colors
splash from the clouds
and the trees
and the wings of a bird

(and she touched my face
with the back of her hand
and I can still feel the
heat of her kiss)

  

and I remember that
once upon a time and a long time ago
and they lived ... ever after
and if I could wish upon a star or
drop a coin down a wishing well
I would wish for a time of
innocence and wonder and beauty
just to breathe
the stir of her mouth
and springs first rain
that falls along the blossomed branch
and if I could wish a wish
I`d wish that we
were as children again
following the road through the
sweet scented wood that leads
the way home.

near death he whispers these words
by his hospital bed I listen
he talked of her beauty
and her sweet gentle soul
and how he loved her so
his breathing was shallow
and his face was pale
the sounds of his heart irregular
and the pain that he felt
like a fist of wild horses
bucking against his chest
then the morphine kicked in
and he closed his eyes
three hours later he died.

(she took his hand
and lifted him up
and ...}

kneeling there I placed a
rose/white as snow
on her grave
and to him I give back
the words that he said
and the promise
that I`ll never forget
the look on his face
as he spoke of his love
and the light of the  
stars in her eyes.

and in the distance
I hear the sounds of the wind
wispy, whispered, dreamy sounds
and I can almost understand
the words being said
"come with me
come with me my love
and we`ll fly beyond the stars."

John Jacobs  1896-1987
Mary Jacobs  1899-1928

He never remarried
he waited his whole life
for her.

forrest cain
2000



[This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-16-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved
Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
1 posted 2000-05-04 12:05 PM


so, are those real people?   related to you maybe??  some of these images are just excellent.  but now for the "slice and dice" (mwahahaha)

i wouldnt say these two together like this:

and drift river sun
looking up at the night

i would just stick with the nighttime images.  throwing the sun in there kinda skews the stanza, where you talk of silvery things and moonlight and stars n stuff.

i wouldnt say "until" in stanza 2.  i cant say why.  i would try then or and instead.  im probably just being wierd.
reckless is spelled like this <----
i would choose a more evocative verb than "stepping" for the puddles.  think bigger.  
that rainbow line is killer  

should "crooked fork creek" be capitalized?  it is a place, yes? how bout "drownding man creek"?

long-winded should be hyphenated i think.
i would go with something different from "looked"

im not sure what youre tryin to do with "and my heart" in the parentheses.  its wierd, it doesnt seem to go with anything else, and i dont understand what you mean.  the () on stanza 2 dont make sense to me either.  it seems like 3 totally different things.  maybe add a preposition (such as on) to make it work better.  and nix that heart stuff.  or 'splain it better.  

i would drop "tired" from that first line, it'll be more alliterative, and have a better rhythm.

i would go with just
"rose/white as snow"
i think its clear enough, and gives better flow.

i might say
"and of my heart"  but its fine as is

you did mean "he waited his whole life/for her", yes?

lastly, you might consider a dash more punctuation, and to recheck for spelling errors.  

so really, not many comments at this time  
luv Elyse

 Do I contradict myself?
Very well then . . . . I contradict myself;
I am large . . . . I contain multitudes.

-Papa Walt

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
2 posted 2000-05-04 12:38 PM


forrest--

this was simply beautiful; ever so slightly on the side of being too lengthy, but you maintain that tone of "innocence, wonder and beauty" in a simple, down-home, folksy kind of way throughout without ever getting too maudlin.  very well done.  

i have to echo elyse's comments about the "...and my heart" lines, though; i thought they were confusing, disruptive, and a bit awkward.  if you were trying to tie them in somehow with john jacob's heart condition in the final stanzas, and with the speaker's own heart in the final line, i don't think it worked (at least not for me).  

i'd keep "drift river sun" in stanza 1, i think it goes with the green mountain skies quite nicely (i don't see the entire first stanza as night), but elyse has a good point to think about there (making it all night).  i like her suggestion of dropping the first "as" in "as white as snow" in stanza 7.  

there are a number of minor spelling mistakes (though i see you corrected some since the first time i read this about 20 minutes ago, and substituted blackberries for raspberries, lol) and at least one missing apostrophe, and i think you left a word out in the second to last line ("he waited his whole LIFE"); a little more proofreading might be in order.  

still, this is a remarkable, evocative poem with a subtle emotional power.  great job, forrest.  thanks for sharing it with us.

jenni

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
3 posted 2000-05-04 01:09 AM


Miss elyse I thank you deeply and most
sincerly for your very excellent evaluation. I have tried to smooth out the spelling etc.
but am having a hard time letting loose of sun in the first verse. It   just seems to loose power when I substitute dusk etc.
This poem is actually about a man I took
care of for several months in the hospital and I was there when he died. But the story is his and I`ve told it the best I could. Lord I know I have lousy spelling/grammer. Thank goodness for angels like you.
As always I value your opinion.

your barely literate friend
forrest
  

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
4 posted 2000-05-04 01:16 AM


jenny thank you very much for  your words
and I have made several corections.
Originaly I wanted to trace the story of there love from childhood to death and beyond. And wish I would have edited more before submitting. The "and my heart"
was supposed to symbolize his following in
love but was to vaque to work. I just
started this today and probably rushedit. Anyway thanks for reading and please
offer any suggestions you may have.

your friend forrest

allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road
5 posted 2000-05-04 06:11 PM


I loved this Forrest. With this poem and the other about the tree I was instantly transported to a beautiful place. You have a wonderful ability to communicate image and feel.

Some possible typos:

her beauty to perfect to hold
her beauty too perfect to hold

beneathe the shade of the willow
(beneath)

and I carried you across Drownding Man
creek
(should that be "Drowning Man"? & creek - with capital?)

my jacket drapped on
her shoulders
(draped)

and we saved the stuff that rainbows
are made of for a day when the sun
wouldn`t shine.

(i think would read better with a new line after 'of':

and we saved the stuff that rainbows
are made of
for a day when the sun
wouldn`t shine.)

and how we set in the
back of the church
('set' to 'sat')

his heart was dieing
and he never woke up
(dying)

and kneeling there I placed a
rose/white as snow on her grave
(rose, white...)(?)

or:

and kneeling there I placed a
rose
white as snow
on her grave



[This message has been edited by allan (edited 05-04-2000).]

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
6 posted 2000-05-04 06:35 PM


can i just say something about the creek names?  i know they are used here as proper nouns, but i don't think they should be capitalized.  forrest, of course, you're the boss here, and perhaps they are real names of actual creeks.  but i think it has a better feel if the names aren't capitalized, as if "last rock spring," "crooked run creek" and "drowning man creek" weren't their real names, but simply what the two people called them privately between themselves.  of course, i recognize that even then they'd be proper nouns.  but capitalizing them, i think, announces them as Named Things for the entire world, and loses a little of the sense of intimacy that these people have for these places.  

anyway, just a thought on a very minor point.

oh, one more thing on reading allan's post again a little more carefully, lol.  i love the use of "set" instead of "sat" in church.  this is an american colloquialism, allan, absolutely perfectly in keeping with the tone and voice of the piece.  i wouldn't change that, forrest.  

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-04-2000).]

eldridgejackson
Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91

7 posted 2000-05-05 10:15 PM


I loved the poem. It brought tears to my eyes. If ever a man loved a woman with all his heart surely this man did. You captured the essence of that love and in a simple yet eloquent manner. I wish I could do that. You have a talent Forrest please keep posting.


crooked fork creek, Fireflies, Blackberries,
Sassafras root gives away your location.
WV I assume.

Yet again I remind you the poem was great and then you killed the hero. Please give me a happy ending. I know you can do it.



bisundev
New Member
since 2000-05-05
Posts 9

8 posted 2000-05-06 12:42 PM


All I can say is that this is a beautiful poem. I like the nature images that you have used. They go very well with the poem. The only thing I don't understand is the repetition of the phrase "the sounds of the wind". Does it add any extra effect?

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
9 posted 2000-05-06 04:36 PM


Eldridgejackson how astute, W.V. born
and bred and I thank you for your very
generous feedback.
Bisunder the" sounds of the wind may
seem to be irrelevent" but only because I
wasn`t able to communicate it properly.
The burial place of this beautiful
couple rests in a litte glade surrounded
by huge oak trees. And while contemplating
his death the wind was blowing through
the trees and it sounded like voices and
you could almost hear words. The lone
cry of the whippoorwill just added to
the surrealism of this event. Do you
have any suggestions as how I can make
this clearer. Good feedback and thanks.
I generally don`t always write gloom
and doom but I work in the medical
profesion and all of our patients die over
a period of months to 20 years. I grieve
their passing greatly and writing helps
me cope. I don`t write poetry, poetry writes me.

thanks forrest  

[This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 05-06-2000).]

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
10 posted 2000-05-08 02:02 AM


Bizundev I have made some changes in the last lines.I`m still not sure it conveys
my intentions. Whats your thoughts.

forrest

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
11 posted 2000-05-10 10:25 PM


Jenni  thank you for your very well thought
out critique. It was helpful and I`m sorry
I`ve been so long in replying but something
ate my pass words. Again  my thanks.

forrest

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
12 posted 2000-05-12 04:31 AM


This poem is pretty good. I admit I was a little frustrated with the beginning. Seems you can do a lot more with that idea, expand it and flesh it out (and shorten it at the same time believe it or not).  By the second part, however, you had me going pretty well.

A nice, sentimental poem,

Brad

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
13 posted 2000-06-19 06:43 PM


sorry so long in replying brad but I lost track of this poem. Gosh yes I need to put it on a diet way to sweet. My only excuse is
the valium I was taking for a back injury.
Despite this your comments were very kind.
forrest

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
14 posted 2000-06-19 07:10 PM


hi forrest.  since this is here again, i want to say how really, wonderfuly beautiful it is again.  (plus i have a few more comments,  )

you say "church pew" in one place, i dont think you need to, you can just say "pew", we'll get the idea.  

also, stanza 9, the one right before "he whispered these words", maybe it could, um, go?  i dunno, it doesnt seem to add anything, and its a little whirlly swirlly while the rest of it is calm and sweet.  just a thought  
luv Elyse


Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
15 posted 2000-06-19 08:03 PM


Elyse I agree with you totally on this and about 5 other changes I wanted to make to
make it more readable/less complicated and
couldn`t edit because of the poems age.
So I thought I`d move it to the front and could eliminate stuff like pew entirely, remove the ed from watched. Eliminate the sassafrass root line and instead of using she`d blush I was going to use we`d. You are so very kind to comment I was really trying to clean this up and make it more readable.
thanks
luv forrest

eldridgejackson
Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91

16 posted 2000-06-19 10:15 PM


I agree with Elyse
how we set in the last pew
at the back of the church

something like that maybe.

JC

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
17 posted 2000-06-20 10:36 AM


I guess I'm a little slow in getting to this one. When I first saw it, it just seemed too long so I read a little then went back to work, sorry for that. Today I finally got interested and read a little more. By about the third stanza, I was hooked and couldn't stop.

You already have plenty of advice on how to polish it so I won't try to add more now. I just wanted to say I found it fascinating. A sentimental story well told. As far as the "happy ending", I think changing what you have now would be a big mistake. I don't see this a a sad ending. We all must die eventually and to be remembered like this is truly a pleasant thought.

Thanks

Pete

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