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Your Body
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Your Body |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Your body, Seductively, Seductively Next to me. Next to me, Not a sound, Not a sound On the bed. I watched Like a voyeur, Like a poet. Like a poet, I took a pen And wrote On you. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Brad Must be spring,love is in the air.Your poem is precise and to the point,just the way I like them.5th stanza I would break up though,to keep in the two beat rhythm (heart beat?).Just my opinion. tom sticks and stones may break my bones,only if you hit me. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- hey, a really wonderful poem, liked this one a lot! very well done. i especially liked the double way the last stanza reads, writing literally on the body next to you (very, very sensual, btw, mmmm  ) and writing "on" or about the person as a subject. i think writers have to be voyeurs to some extent, but ya gotta live it, too, lol. very nicely done. i liked the repetition, too, it just draws the reader in, and you knew just when to break it. i disagree with tom, i like that one stanza being three lines; it adds depth to the piece and keeps it fresh, in my opinion. wonderful job, brad, thanks for a great read. jenni |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I like it too Brad. I especially like the way the that attention of the reader is switched away from the body on the bed to the speaker (the poet) by sharply breaking the repetition and the couplets. This effect is immensely enhanced by the rather lulling almost soporific effect of the 3 syllable count in each of the lines in the first 4 couplets followed by the short two syllable line with the "sharp" word "watched". I also appreciated the wind down towards the end .. a slightly longer line "I took a pen" and two simple short and, as jenni has pointed out, suggestive lines to finish. Simple sensuous and silky brad......  P |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Brad, Very nice...and very different from anything I've seen from you. However, IMHO, it would be better if you stuck with the format throughout. Perhaps... "I watched Like a voyeur, Like a voyeur, Like a poet," I, too, like the lines about taking the "pen" and writing on the partner. Original and sensual. Good work, Brad Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-03-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
jenni and kris both used "sensual", i used "sensuous". I would like to know brad who is correct? ......."sensuous" implies gratification of the senses for the sake of aesthetic pleasure {the sensuous delights of great poetry} "sensual" tends to imply the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of physical appetites as ends in themselves {a life devoted to sensual pleasures} (Merriam-Webster 1997) so which was it brad, as you lay scribbling on the body on the bed? ..... the ever inquisitive Philip |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
how cool brad. i like the minimism of this. it does kinda seem like a heartbeat now he mentions it. only thing i would say is to maybe add on a couple extra stanzas to make it symmetric as to where the 3 line stanza lies. nah, maybe i would just take one out before it. but i dunno, it might be hard. its great as is, but ya, know, thought i might suggest somethin - let me end this inarticulate rambling now. luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to everybody who commented. Philip, It's an interesting question. I was just reading (last week) a column by Safire on this subject. Apparently, Milton created the word 'sensuous' in order to keep the sense of gratification but not the carnal 'feel'. In the 1970's, with the publication of "The Sensual Woman" the distinction began to get muddied up again. Why can't it be both? Sensuous in the joys of writing and reading this poem (or at least I hope) and sensual in the joys of being written on -- by the way, I also intended a certain ominous note to that. Sex and danger -- that kind of thing. Kafka wrote a story where the same idea was used as torture. Actually, I'm just glad that any variation of that word was used with this poem. I wanted the poem associated with that word. As far as the symmetry goes, I suppose it's just a matter of personal taste -- the original version was designed as many of you 'symmetrists' have suggested but it just didn't read correctly to my ear. I often like to break up rhythms and structure to show some type of turn, but you can certainly make the argument that I should have done it more subtly. The downside would be that it can often come across as a certain laziness on my part -- hell, CAN Brad keep a structure going through the whole poem? Anyway, I like the heartbeat idea although it hadn't occured to me. You know, iambic is often considered the base in the English language because it supposedly mimics the beating of the human heart. For me, this was an exercise in rhythm and tempo. I'm not a big minimalist fan (my own limitations); but as a result of this, I saw this poem as a challenge. Brad |
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camellia New Member
since 2000-05-03
Posts 5 |
ooooh--nice writing. i liked the repeating words especially. i agree with the others who said that the poem would be better with the repeats and two lines through to the ending, which was very good. camellia |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Precise, concise and very nice. Question? What did you write and where did it lead. Always looking for ideas you know. Liked it. forrest |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I wrote this for my wife. Passion does not die when you get married. It just gets better. I think Jim might agree with me? Brad |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Brad~ This was kind of a tease. I think you should continue with it. So instead of ending at: And wrote On you. Ten thousand words in black face on pillow ass in air zebra-like I continued keep it going! bboog |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Bob, This just cracked me up. Sometimes you get so caught up in what you want to do that you lose many of those variation. I'm a little leery of those animal metaphors though. Brad |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Brad~ Yeah those animal images can get pretty wild. I guess I thought if you wrote ten thousand words on a naked woman's body she'd (eventually) look like a zebra, but then Zebras are known to be stubborn too. Glad you got a laugh. best regards, bboog |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: After reading this I thought I should try a minimalist piece too. This evoked numerous images for me (partly because they were so easy for me to apply). To answer your question, passion does get better after you are married but it is important, especially after kids enter into the equation, that you maintain the passion. Spontaneity is always possible (at least as far as my eight years of marriage allows me to say so). I couldn't imagine myself with anybody else. Brad, I really enjoyed the poem and finally gave up on trying to find hidden meanings just to tell you I liked it. If I was less familiar with your writing I think the break in the structure would have bothered me. I think the pace of the three lined stanza read faster than the others because of the "Like a ... Like a ..." lines and, because of this, I think, there was no break in the movement of the poem. Later. Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Brad, "Your body, Seductively, Seductively Next to me. Next to me, Not a sound, Not a sound On the bed." To be honest Brad I didn't really like the poem all that much up to this point, though after a few reads I think it works well in constrast to the more indepth/layered second half of the poem. "I watched Like a voyeur, Like a poet." I really liked how you changed the style by making this three lines, thought it worked well and held the flow of the poem while opening up the story. "Like a poet, I took a pen And wrote On you." At first I really didn't like "On you", I kept wanting to read "of you" but after a couple more reads it grew on me a bit more but still....seemed incomplete or too abrupt. Here's my suggestion: "And wrote On you. On you of you of you seducing poets" Just an idea my friend...and a damn fine one at that! I like the beginning of your poem and appreciate it but not while I'm reading it, only at the end of the poem because it helps set the "mood" of the story. It reminds me a bit of the movie, "Pillow Book Story" (I think that's what it was called and the poem has a sensuality to it but doesn't get aggressive with it. Anyways, all in all a very good offering Brad, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Trevor, Just wanted to pop in and say that I like that addition. The trick, from my point of view, was to keep this thing short, or it would just come off tedious. Maybe I was too conservative here because I think what you wrote works well. Brad |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Brad~ This sure works sensuously sensual for me. I like the break in the couplets ... gave me a chance to *sigh* I also think Trevor's suggestion adds depth to the poem. Enjoyed very much and like this style. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
This creates a wonderfully powerful feeling of silence, love, reality... The short lines create a scene... you put the reader there... it is very well done. The only thing I would change would be the last lines to read, "And wrote you". In fact, you've inspired me... --------------- james desperado is headed to korea.. he should be there by now, actually... he had a layover near me so stopped by and i took him to the airport again for the next leg of his journey... he said he is going to look you up. hope you two can meet. --------------- doreen |
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