»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
in absence of michele
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
in absence of michele |
|
|
Elliott Junior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 35Chapel Hill, NC |
until you come back, i am doomed to lie in waitful swoon, my heart as a sputtering engine worn down by daytime indecision and, unknowing of your present position, i thus know naught of mine. oh where did you go? oh where did you go? oh, of the existence of God i once did know, but my love, she keeps me waiting; the daylight, it is fading. was it that evil man who would that you wilt as a rose in a desert garden, that chose to hide you from my view? oh, if that is so what can i do? if he knew that my heart could burst, he'd let you come to my doorstep first... my love, she keeps me waiting; her singing voice is fading. i sit at your altar but you are not there; i would drink your sweat and taste your hair, but you still aren't there. i lie on my back at your altar, my heart is beginning to falter. my love, she keeps me waiting; sweet love, my faith is fading. [This message has been edited by Elliott (edited 05-02-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Elliott - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
E~ I suggest you listen to the Beatles song, "Michelle" which says the same thing, except more subtly. The Beatles version, however, would reduce your poem to these lines: Michelle where did you go? oh where did you go? my heart is a sputtering engine worn down by your indecision unknowing of your position, where did you go? oh where did you go? But I think you should start there. best regards, bboog |
||
|
Elliott Junior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 35Chapel Hill, NC |
well, seems like you want me to simplify it, so that it would be even more song-like. i think it's too song-like as it is- it needs to be a little less catchy, and deeper intellectually. if i was going to put a melody to it, i agree with you...actually that might be a good idea. and i should also change the title so that it doesn't remind anyone else of that beatles song. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
