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Hanging On
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hanging On |
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Robin Junior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 48Cardiff, Wales, UK |
Hanging On By Robin Laffan April 2000 The squirming spirit now trapped upon the hook, bait for bigger fish to pull beneath the waves of mighty dread and land-locked, tear-filled pain that stretch to far horizons, twists in agony upon the point of grief’s spite awaiting its fate with tight-held breath. This hook that holds my struggling self above the teaming waters below which mouths gape ready to swallow this titbit of love, runs me through with the barbed point of hatred holding me waiting in fear and sweat-soaked dread. I hang on, a morsel for the yawning maws of doubt and conscience, enemies of what is said, who’ll tear me flesh from bone should I but fall. Seeking the one whose will, I surely know will swallow me up to watch us both grow. [This message has been edited by Robin (edited 04-30-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
At end of first stanza consider "Awaits its fate..." rather than "awaiting..." The lines in the second last and particularly the last stanza seem to me excessively short, maybe in some way combine these last two stanzas. Other than that maybe just tighten up the other stanzas a bit to make it more striking. Good work and nice imagery. I like "yawning maws" etc. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Liked your analogies and a certain something I can`t quite put my finger on. forrest |
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