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Misconceptioning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Misconceptioning |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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arid waterfalls of a tear-stained reflectioning scream silence into her eyes whil’st she dwells denial in transient dreaming foregoing faith for pain in the solitary crowding of her thoughtless mind’s beseechments sharing a past with herself in a future never-come so- she blinks away the sounding of hope’s doubtfully caressing since she only sees the changes and never sees the change |
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| © Copyright 2000 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi Christopher! wow, this is sorta trippy  i like the neologisms - or they seem that way to me. i never heard of "reflectioning" being a word  - they're inriguing, and i like the way you play with them, and i love the last two lines, but im not sure what you're trying to do with the wierd way the lines lay. its a little distracting and disconcerting, and honestly, i cant see as it adds much to the poem. but its a cool one, no denying that. luv Elyse ps - how do you spell denying? this dictionary sux.  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well...is this a double post? I thought I saw this in Open ~shrug~ could be wrong... Now - I must start of with a HUGE gripe C. What on earth is the ' doing in whilst? I just have to say one big 'huh?' here and give you a mystified 'look'... nope - it just doesn't work... Lovely freeverse though - and contrary to Elyse (who did indeed spell denying right) I think the form is excellent. If it is at all disconcerting then that might add to the tone of the poem - like someone grasping for understanding (of change perhaps) or just missing it - jumping around in their mind, you know what I mean. The lines that stand out for me are: she blinks away the sounding of hope’s doubtfully caressing since she only sees the changes and never sees the change really good lines with a thought provoking end. BUT again - this is quite awkward I feel: in the solitary crowding of her thoughtless mind’s beseechments I think it has to be modified - at first I thought to suggest getting rid of the 'mind's' but realiSed (  ) that you need it there, so perhaps removing the plural of beseechment would work - those two s endings jar.All in all good stuff C. K [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 05-01-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
christopher-- an interesting piece, you have some good lines here, i guess (although i personally am not a huge fan of oxymoronic phrases like "arid waterfalls", "scream silence" and "solitary crowding"). but there are a couple of really confusing, awkward phrases here: "whil'st she dwells denial in transient dreaming" what does this mean? are you using "dwells" as a sort of transitive verb, like saying "she makes denial dwell in transient dreaming" (if that's the case, it is awkward in the extreme), or that she dwells both in denial and in transient dreaming, or what? it just doesn't make any sense. and what's up with the word "whil'st"? why use an archaic form like that (the only one in the entire piece), when the word "while" works just as well? combining "whil'st" with all the oxymoronic phrasing makes it seem like you're trying awfully hard to be "poetic." "the sound of hope's doubtfully caressing" is another awkward phrase, in my opinion, it feels like there's a missing noun in there.... "hope's doubtfully caressing monkeys," or whatever. do you mean hope's doubtful caresses? if so, why not just say it like that? or maybe you intended "hope's" to be not the possessive but the plural "hopes"? either way, that line needs a little revision, i think. the words "reflectioning" and "beseechments", as well as the title "misconceptioning", are awkward, too, corrupting nouns into verbs and verbs into nouns; there's got to be a better way of getting your point across. anyway, i agree with severn about your format; i think it serves the poem well. i like what you're saying in the piece, summed up in the last two lines; a little re-tooling of some of the more awkward things could make this a really nice poem, i think. thanks for an interesting read, jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-01-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Sorry Chris, Jenni, YOU'RE BACK!!!!! I hope you can stay for a long, long time. I missed you. Brad |
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