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cortisone
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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cortisone |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The woman drinks moonshine straight-faced. You get off on a girl who was never a girl. You think she’s a pet name; she thinks you’re straight-laced. She is your cortisone cream. She pays eye service with lip candy and sugarplums through your dreams. I guess she’s what you wanted succulent trash and desire but she can’t set house to your fire. --- Just a few specific questions- in line 3 of stanza 2, does sugarplums read as a noun or a verb? I mean it to be a verb- as in she is sugarplum-ing- but does it work? I mean, besides as a general image (I want to know that, too) but the sentence structure- does it run on to the line before it? Does it seem like she's paying eyes service with lip candy AND sugarplums.. through the dreams? Do I need to add a 'she' (which makes me really unhappy, because it's already repeated lot -- BTW, would this read better is any 'she's were cut?) or 'then' before sugarplums to indicate it's verb status? Also, cortisone was just the working title, and it stuck- is it an effective, eye catching title? Does it fit the poem okay? Thanks, everyone, in advance. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman [This message has been edited by hush (edited 08-20-2001).] |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
I would replace 'and' with 'then', no she needed. Maybe 'she' isn't needed in the line previous to this, either. She is your cortisone cream. Pays eye service with lip candy then sugarplums through your dreams. I like the title, it is eye catching but I'm not sure it fits because cortisone cream is used basically to stop sensation/reaction in the area used. It also impairs the healing process. If you mean that she is used to 'stop an itch' (emotionally, physically, etc.) then yes, it works. Also, I like the last line alot. but she can’t set house to your fire. Though, initially it reads almost like a typo, it's meaning comes through with further attention. Just my opinion, I think the poems very good. |
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judih New Member
since 2001-08-20
Posts 1israel |
Hi Nicole, I like this a lot, and am a true believer in all kinds of things becoming verbs. That's the secret to involving a reader in your unique way of seeing things. (i believe it!) I'd cut a 'she' if you are in the mood. Let me see...here's the poem... The woman drinks moonshine straight-faced. You get off on a girl who was never a girl. You think she’s a pet name; she thinks you’re straight-laced. She is your cortisone cream. She pays eye service with lip candy and sugarplums through your dreams. okay...2nd line of 2nd stanza...don't need the 'she'...start it with pays. I guess she’s what you wanted succulent trash and desire but she can’t set house to your fire. These 'she's' are needed. Great poem ! thanks judih |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Hush I only have a moment. just quickly on your questions. I read the poem before your comments thank goodness, but the bad news is that for me there is no doubt that as presently written "sugarplums" is a noun. Having said that I didnt think badly of it because of that. Although I can see why you want it as a verb another "she" is too much, and such is the "thingness" of a "sugarplum" that I still want to read it as a noun even prefacing with "then". Won't you consider making up the new word "sugarplumming"? I don't think it mucks up the flow particularly. "Cortisone" is great. I understand it to be the principle treatment for rheumatoid arthritis - perfect for a poem about an ageing sugar-daddy! Just one small comment. I suspect you are fond of the rhyme "straight-laced" but that 4th line kind of stuck out. The poem's strength I think is the focus which it applies to the selfish wants and needs of the sugar-daddy i.e the content of the piece mirrors the way he might think and desire. Given this, I think its important that the girl's views do not intrude, and furthermore the line adds nothing to our knowledge of the man because we already assume him to be shallow conservative and bigoted from the way he behaves. It's important that the girl's possible mental attributes don't come through at all - she isn't paid to think, her views don't matter. I could write half a page about the nuances in the last line - well done! F |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I seem to be just going along with the crowd here, particularly on sugarplum being a verb. I like the way Furlong expressed, sugarplum is just a thing and it is too much of a stretch for me to see it as anything but a moun. I too would prefer making a new word, sugarpluming, which would be a verb. As far as the title, it works well for me. Thanks, Pete |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Would also go along with the comments above for the most part... I prefer sugarplumming... as well and the use of "then" as noted. I troubled over the first line a bit... it seemed too out of meter for the rest of the verse and almost awkward when I read it to myself... that may only be my ignorance. Overall.. a nice well written poem.. I enjoyed |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
hush.. this is brilliant work -- you shouldn't be concerned about the words though.. this is excellent.. the only slice I'd give it is I hate the punctuation -- I think you could lose all of it and make it stronger... and break the lines a little different for additional layering: The woman drinks moonshine straight-faced You get off on a girl who was never a girl You think she’s a pet name she thinks you’re straight-laced She is your cortisone cream She pays eye service with lip candy and sugarplums through your dreams I guess she’s what you wanted succulent trash and desire but she can’t set house to your fire it's very good and my kind of stuff--applause [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (edited 08-20-2001).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Err... Nicole Blackman's a poet I'm fond of. I'm not Nicole. Anyway... sugarplumming? I'm emitting a Marge Simpson-esque "mmmm" at that one... I hate the sound of it- and besides, it's too passive. I'm really looking for impact with this lines, and taking a passive voice might weaken that. But I guess it's either that or have it mistaken for noun- but what if I switched some 'she's around- She is your cortisone cream- paying eye service with lip candy, she sugarplums through your dreams. Any improvement there? I mean, I take on the passive "ing" with paying but I think it's a lot better than sugarplumming... Furlong- thanks for the input about line 4- I actually wanted a little of the woman to shine through into this poem, because I think it has direct bearing on the man himself. "she thinks you're straight laced" I thought might give the impression that she doesn't take him or his attempts at "bad assed-ness" seriously at all... which makes him look all the more foolish, which is what I was aiming at. Cpat- I never intended any meter in the poem- what particularly seemed awkward or out of meter? LR- Thanks for the ideas, but I personally feel that the line breaks you've suggested break up my ideas too much- I wanted these to read off as one strong idea after another, and... I guess I just feel that I needed punctuation in this. Thanks everyone, for the helpful ideas. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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svandersaar Junior Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 40 |
You want this ripped apart? Okay! The beginning was perfect.
Abstract, terse, the reader is waiting for an explanation, a story, something intricate and smooth to follow these bold cropped lines. However, we’re given:
which lack the elucidation desired, are not as quick and just not as smart; a great intro killed by repetition. Instead of concentrating on keeping the verse neat and concise, look at the picture you’re trying to create. Don’t rely on a single striking word to carry the line! The purpose of poetry, in my opinion, is to say what you can’t with “normal” language… to say it exactly, and in a way no one has ever conceived of before… So, to neglect simple statements because the rest of the stanza can ‘hold it up’ (in your opinion), you miss the opportunity to create a ‘full’ piece. Every line, on it’s own, should be a masterpiece. This is not to say that certain phrases will not be more salient than others, but your focus should be the feel, the idea, and giving it life in whatever manner it demands… not restricting yourself to a certain form. (Please note the word “restricting”; I know many great authors who base their poetry almost completely on form … but in reading one forgets the perfect stanzas, measure, and assonance and is absorbed, instead, in the images (or ideas) blooming in their head). Next:
I agree completely with Local Rebel. Your line breaks should vary. Keep sugarplums. The entire stanza can be reworked without either 'she', but that's your choice and I'll leave it to your voice to find the answer.
Instead, what about it’s what you wanted, in replace of she’s … read that change over a few times and you’ll see the message is the same without the ‘she’ overkill… I guess it’s what you wanted: succulent trash and desire but she can’t set house to your fire. This line: but she can’t set house to your fire. Ooooooo… LOVE it! IWIHWT! Last bit: the rhythm is so rough your rhyming scheme is all but lost, and makes the structure appear clumsy. Overall: liked muchly. I think that, as is, it works as a short little piece to hang on your fridge and impress relatives; but the idea, with some heavy work, could REALLY excel. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hush, I totally agree with Rebel's critique, and like his little edits. This is really excellent work...sharp razor wit combined with good writing and LOVED the last line!!!! Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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