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My Second Poem - Critcism Wanted
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Second Poem - Critcism Wanted |
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Anthony Woody New Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 3 |
This is only the second poem I've ever written. It doesn't have a name. I would appreciate a little honest criticism. Any comments are greatly appreciated. ----- Some nights when I can't sleep, I start to miss you and close my eyes. I imagine that you're here with me and for a moment the loneliness dies. Maybe when I open my eyes you'll be here and everything will be alright. I open my eyes, but all I find are tears and the loneliness of the night. ----- Thanks in advance for any comments. [This message has been edited by Anthony Woody (edited 04-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Woody - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
this kind of poem tends to work better if you speak from an emotional rather than a narrative point of view. i would explore the imagining, try to convey why you're lonely in the fantasy. just a thought, and keep writing  luv Elyse |
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Merlot New Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 7 |
Fairly good for your second poem, remember to keep an open mind. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
A~ Why apologize and call it generic before we even get to read it? Comments like that make us feel like you've already decided to throw in the towell (unless you're looking for a little sympathy). Keep working at it and it'll get better. bboog |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Anthony: I agree with Bob (bboog) that your preface tends to lead the reader down the road of not taking the poem (or the poet) seriously. But you asked for criticism (always constructive) on your poem and I am always willing to do that. First, love poetry is very difficult poetry to write well because the subject of love has been explored ad nausium. I think the best way to write a love poem that doesn't come across as being either too "generic" or too cliched is to personalize the love poem as much as possible. The next step is to READ, READ, READ, then READ some more THEN write. While the words of your poem do seem a little bit "generic", the feelings behind those words most certainly are not generic. I would recommend you get yourself a copy of William Shakespeare's love sonnets and take note of how colorful and descriptive his language is in describing his feelings and the object of his affections. These two steps (along with practice) will help you improve your poetry. I don't know if anyone can really call poetry their calling (sounds a bit self absorbed, actually) but everyone will probably tell you it is their hobby. A hobby, like any other skill, can be cultivated and refined. Stick with it. Thanks for posting. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-27-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
This isn't bad for an early attempt. Another way to practice, other than those already suggested, is to see how tight you can make your poem, how many words you DON'T need. For instance, I come up with Some nights when I can't sleep, I close my eyes. I imagine you here with me, and loneliness dies. If I'll open my eyes on you, it will be all right. I open my eyes, and see only -- the lonely night. Play with your words, and see what works best for you. But I'm going to differ from Jim here, and be a heretic. I'm not sure sending all and sundry to Shakespeare is always good strategy. Too often the would-be poet either gives up in awe, or wastes time trying to imitate this very difficult model. Even for Elizabethan sonnets, Philip Sidney or Michael Drayton are much better models for the beginner to follow. I feel. End of soap-box time. [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 04-27-2000).] |
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Anthony Woody New Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 3 |
Just wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has left feedback. It is greatly appreciated! |
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rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
to be honest, when i read your title i expected a whimpering peice of rubbish, i was firmly corrected by a poem which i beleive has an extremely strong feeling to it which is backed up by its construction. it is one of the best peices i have read on this site and i have read many. i applaud you as someone i can complement and really mean it. as to the criticism you asked for, well i think the construction of your poem is great, it kind of stumbles over itself like a mumbled speech or a restless hand that doesn't know what to do. it is lonley and is missing that which makes it whole- the 'you' in the poem, if the 'you' were present the verse would flow quite easily and happily, that it does not reinforces the romantic patheticnes of not feeling natural without the one you love. there i one thing that you may have played around with, of course i can't know, but the actual words. long words such as memories and lonliness, you could hange them and make them more blunt if yu wanted to communicate a more 'deadened' feel to the poem, i can't however claim to offer anthing to improve the poem, i think it is marvellous as it is and if it is only your second you should start carrying a notepad with you because i bet about a hundred great poems have blown in and out of your mind before now. well say what you see its a ready money round. your new friend rene |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ted: 'Ware disagreeing with Jim! You've been here long enough to see the lengthy debates that other disagreements have caused in here.  Actually, I agree with you that Shakespeare can be cumbersome and I haven't read anything by the poets you've mentioned so I can't really say one way or the other.So, Anthony, I think Ted and I both agree that reading the works of other poets is very important in improving your own poetry. Find out what worked for them and see if it works for you. Actually, it is really simple. You may even become obsessed and spend $21.95 on a book on "Meter in English" ... well ... maybe Brad and I are the only ones that far gone at the moment ... Jim |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
anthony-- i really don't have much to add about your poem; in fact i second pretty much everything rene said. i would add that in this type of piece using rhyme (however you might arrange the lines; i think you might be better combining it into 2 stanzas of 4 lines each instead of 4 stanzas of 2 lines), you should pay attention to the meter, or rythym of the piece. perhaps this is what rene meant when she said it "kind of stumbles over itself like a mumbled speech or a restless hand". maybe you were striving for that effect? i think it might be more effective, though, with an even feel throughout. see how, in ted's suggested revision, his short rhyming lines all have a similar rythym (two major stresses, or beats)? whether you like that or not is up to you, of course (i think it sounds a little clipped, but that's just me), but you should think about how rythym makes your poem sound and flow. jim (and ted) are absolutely right in saying the best way to learn is to read alot of poetry. rather than ploughing through shakespeare's sonnets, however, probably the best thing you can do is get yourself a copy of the "norton anthology of poetry". i got a new one at borders recently after my copy from college fell apart, and i'm sure you can get it from amazon.com or the barnes & noble website. the introduction has an excellent and refreshingly brief discussion of rythym, meter, rhyme, and the forms of poetry (including free verse), and of course the book itself has poems from everyone -- chaucer, spenser, shakespeare (including a bunch of sonnets, jim, lol), donne, milton, marvel, blake, burns, wordsworth, coleridge, shelley, byron, keats, r. browning, e. browning, poe, tennyson, whitman, dickinson, hardy, yeats, frost, eliot, millay, cummings, auden, thomas, ginsburg, heaney, pinsky, dove (to name just a very, very few) -- from 10th century beowulf to the present on almost every conceiveable subject and in almost every conceiveable form. flip through it from time to time and read all sorts of stuff from all sorts of time periods, see what you like and what you don't like and go from there. but of course, the only way to write good poetry is to write and keep writing, lol. submit stuff here at the forum, show it to your friends and family, and keep at it. you've got a nice little piece here for starters. good luck, and keep writing! jenni |
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Rosebud1229 Senior Member
since 2000-04-05
Posts 1813North Carolina |
To me personally I feel that if you write and compare to something else it puts a picture in your mind.. the more imagination one use's the more you plunge into your reading the more real it becomes to you.. the more descriptive with your words . For example: His eyes are as blue as the deepest oceans' portray's the deep blue color and also the passions that are surfacing with your writing. His arms wrapped around me just like a warm blanket comforting me. Hope this helps some. I know it helps me to really open myself more when I write. Your poem was good, just needs more meaning behind the words.. your title could be ...Lost without You |
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