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The Memory Of Trees
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Memory Of Trees |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
There are old memories, beautiful memories memories beyond knowing in trees memories of water and light and the way the leaves hold the wind just so the shadows crossing the hill muted green the pattern, from the start to be and breathe a good beginning, a perfect beginning, river and sky the colors flow blue on blue and yellow sun owl memories crow memories memories of God in trees. ...sufficient to see we climb above the undergrowth in the distance the hills shimmer and blur the edges purple and persimmon... and there are dream memories, birth memories memories of innocence in trees memories of fairies and stars and mountains splashing down and the way one holds a newborn child just so to rock by an open fire lap memories song memories memories of wonder in trees bird nest child, scarecrow child child with leaves in his hair (we step quietly along the margins) ...the fabric folds back on itself again and again as delicate as the wings of a dragonfly fanning a silver mist... and there are sad memories, cruel memories memories of bloodshed in trees memories of death and despair and the way the sun filters through just so the light that touches his face like shadow puppets or butterflies the movement of the leaves that play across his mottled face bent beneath the tree earth memories flower memories memories of darkness in trees. ...long forgotten an old red bicycle lies rusting in the rain to see it there makes us cry. We balance the memories one to a side bird song apple blossom the tracings of snow along the branch the stillness, the motion the whispers of the tree one and alone or together the memories come storm memories drought memories memories of ice-age in trees broken twig child muddy creek child child who fell from the sky. ...and I think to myself what a terrible thing to hang from a tree and die what a terrible thing to do to a tree... (your life is not your own it belongs to those you love and to thse who love you) forrest 1999 In memory of Freddie Williams who I loved but not enough. [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 06-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
This is marvellously crafted. I hope Brad picks it for a "Moderator's Choice." I think a lot of us can learn from this one. "Memory of Trees" is the perfect title. I hope readers take the time to notice the recurrent repetitions (but never mechanically precise) of the meters and cadences in each stanza. This adds to a series of "deja vu"s that enhances the flowing feel of real memories. The evocation of all the senses -- not only sight -- is also lovingly rendered. "Their" should be "there" in a couple of places, "it's self" is "itself," "broken-heart child" might work, but, for me, "broke-heart" doesn't. The "intrauteral the unborn" lines really don't work for me . . . not in that way in this poem. The last lines, although fine, don't really have the closure to end the poem, and I feel I've seen similar too many times before. Perhaps something "better," either stronger or dreamier, IMHO. Everything else is pure dream, flow, and gold. I love this poem. [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 04-25-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Ted thank you for your wonderful critique. This was written for one individual and the intauterine was part of the horrors that was occuring at that time. The hanging of my best friend, the murder by drug dealers of a young friends nine month pregnant sister I had reservations about it working but thought I`d float it out to see. I`ve had a terrible time with the ending and will continue to revise. Thanks again. cony |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Forrest Cain Yes I did enjoy this poem,giving the trees perspective did add a twist to the brutality of death(murder).The last stanza did distract from the intent of the poem, if I may An old red tennis shoe long forgotten lies rotting in the rain to see it there makes us cry it splits the focus between the tree and the memory of the person,for me anyway just a thought tom |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Forest~ This poem features some lovely images and word choices and I liked it. I wonder though, if it might be more aptly titled "My Memory of Trees"? (As you are writing about how you remember/associate things/memories with trees). Also "their" is written several times. Example: and "their" are heart memories, soul memories. Perhaps "there" or "theirs"? One other suggestion: I think it might flow better with just one speaker. What I mean is to simply stick to "me" and "I" instead of "we" and "us" (or vice-versa) as the reader isn't certain who the "we" and "us" really are. Example: You start out with: sufficient to see "we" climb above the undergrowth Then move to:to see it there makes "us" cry... "we" balance the memories one to a side Then finally:and someone calls "my" name but I can`t remember So it might read, sufficient to see I climb above the undergrowth Then move to:to see it there makes me cry... I balance the memories one to a side Then finally:and someone calls my name Last of all, I think you need to create a more evocative line than the "iron memories" and "wolf memories". You want the "mottled" line to stand out a bit more. Maybe "damaged memories" and "damned memories" - something that will jump out at us. Also, perhaps change "sparrows" to "despair"? And the "smell of ashes" instead of "memory of ashes" I think might work better. Anyway, good job and nicely done. Hope this helps you. If not, I still enjoyed it. best regards, bboog memories of one's childhood are intertwined with the memories of tree [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-25-2000).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Bboog I truly appreciate the time and thought put into this critque. My original intent in using iron memories was to evoke the thought of axes, chainsaws etc. I had used fire/lightening/ice and so forth but couldn`t really find the words I wanted. I will try shifting the emphasis in a different direction. Have also changed the endings somewhat. I have numerus spare parts from this poem. The input I recieve is valuable as I tend to loose my objectivity at some point. Thanks forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
i must say i really enjoyed the word choice and rythm of this poem. however am deeply distressed that the lines everyone refers to in their comments did not appear when i read the poem. i was so confused when i read what people had written and i was like, he said that? is it my computer actin up, or did forrest pull a fast one on me as payback for making him overheat?   |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse thanks for the reply .I took a cold shower and can focus again. The parts I took outside and shot at the end of the third verse ...intrauteral the unborn wait a pregnant girl screams just once and dies a bystander wipes the blood fromm her breathe... and near the end of the forth I think to myself what a terrible thing to take your life and die what a terrible thing to do to a tree. Thanks forrest |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Forrest: I told you I'd get to this and I apologize for taking so much time to get to it. I printed this out the other night and took a closer look at it today. First, I must say that I thought that this was an exceptional piece of poetry and that I was able to find very few weaknesses in my reading (and believe me, I looked for them). The only questions I was left with were relatively minor ones. First, I noticed that you shifted from "memories" (plural) to "memory" (singular) without any discernible reason. As long as this poem is already, I think you could expand a little bit on the theme in order to smooth out the transitions from the positive memories to the negative ones. Brad may disagree with me here but I would suggest that you check out "The Bells" by Edgar Allan Poe to see how he shifts the meaning of the ringing of bells in each successive stanza. This may give you some ideas on how to make the transition from positive to negative subject matter. Just a suggestion. I liked your description of time passing as "fabric fold[ing] back on itself..." and your wording throughout the entire poem was exceptional. This was a very welcome read, Forrest. Nice work. Thanks for sharing. Jim |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Jim thanks for your critique. I can`t overstate how much the objective comments I`ve recieve from yourself and others have opened my eyes. I envy this ability and hope to contribute something more meaningful than "I like this" at some point. I will check out the bells because this transition has posed problems for me here as well as other poems. thanks forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 04-30-2000).] |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Hello Forrest, I too would like to get beyond the "I like this" stage - but for the moment I'd just like to say that I found your poem to be wondrous good. I found myself instantly transported up among the fresh green leaves and the sunlight. Thanks for bringing a breath of freshness into my tired spirit tonight.  |
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