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Critical Analysis #1
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Songbird
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Songbird |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Songbird Too soon from the nest the ground had claimed a songbird struggling on unsure wings. Huddled under the unleafed bush ruffled feathers were not enough to stay the chill and dampening rain the songbird died when morning came. A small girl finds him crumpled there and wraps her hands around with care to smooth the silent form to rise to set him back into the sky. She holds him up with arms outstretched and runs along a broken path to feel the flutter of heart and wing to hear the muted songbird sing. on unsure ground she stumbles there still lifts the songbird in the air and all the mothers in all the world cry to see them fall. [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 04-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I can't offer any critique but I just wanted to say that this took my breath away! Wonderful! I love how each line flows along into the next! The story also touches this mother's heart! Denise |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
Hi Forrest. I think you might make use of some more punctuation. like, i would have a period after "the songbird died" also i think in some of the lines where you have two actions or ideas running into each other (think where she picks it up and pets it and stuff) maybe a comma or two would help to clarify. but definitely keep them bumping into each other, that's a neat effect. oh, and the line "but root and rock" that didnt quite sound right when i read it, i mean, i understand (i think) what you're trying to get at, but maybe its a little awkward put that way. but still, a nice poem  luv Elyse |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse thanks for your review and I have fine tuned hopefully to make it clearer. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Forrest: I am going to disagree with Elyse and say that I preferred this without the punctuation. Can't please everyone, can you? Small typo with "Too" in the first line, by the way.I think this poem has an enjoyable musical quality to it with just enough variations in the meter to keep it from reading like a metronome. I also thought the theme was well developed (this seems to be a strength of yours). It left me thinking about youthful naivete and the "fall" of discovering that all the hope and love in the world cannot make a dead baby bird fly. Nice work, Forrest. I enjoyed this. Jim |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
The above comments were very kind and I appreciate the feedback. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hey Forrest, Good Stuff buddy, got the essence of the feelings of a naive yet so loving little girl right. A little hitch, I felt in these lines She holds him up with arms outstretched and runs along a broken path to feel the flutter of heart and wing to hear the muted songbird sing. the love and caring from the previous stanza becomes a bit less when you say "she holds him up" without an advaerb like 'dearly' etc. The stanza's final words "songbird sing", she is trying to get the poor bird to fly, be lively, but it may have been intended to be subtle like the songbird would sing when it can fly. But words are, as you put it, right. Excellent they are! regards and carry on, sudhir. Take each day as it comes, Consider each day as a flight, Try hard to succeed and fly, Surely then you will reach some height. But if by some chance you don’t, Remember that tomorrow will always come. Learn this well and learn this hard That today’s efforts will pay for tomorrow’s fun. A Crazy Monster, a.k.a Ski |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
forrest-- excellent, excellent piece, i thought. my only little "crit" would be the lines "But hard the way / she stumbles there"; i don't know, seems a little yoda-like, and not in keeping with the tone and style of the rest of the piece. other than that, simply wonderful. thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Forrest All in all liked the flow,message,and style of this poem.Just my two cents. tom |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Forest, Another two cents. I liked it. Nice job. best regards, bboog |
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