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hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271


0 posted 2000-04-23 04:14 PM


ok i need some critiquting help.  I'm going to submit this to a poetry contest and i need some crituqing of sorts.  Punctuation, the idea, structure etc...  I know you all are some of the best writters so i brought it here to get help.  What do you think it would fair in a contest with other experienced writters?  So here it is.........
and thanks  


Darkness covered the room;
dim light through window pane;
seeing the impending doom
it felt so mundane.
man came through the door,
the night made him look black.
didn't know what he was,
until I stabbed him in the back.

then he looked up at me,
my brother laying on the floor.
how can this be?
he looked like a black man
when he came through the door.


---Written by:Hoppy


3-16-00


 There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-- Oscar Levant

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken


© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
tom
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.
1 posted 2000-04-23 10:51 PM


hoppy
I don't think this poem should be used in your poetry contest because this could be misconstrued as racist.Your poem "softly falling"would be the better choice in my opinion.

  tom

 I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream



jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 2000-04-24 01:10 PM


Hoppy:

My initial reaction was the same as Tom's.  Your poem does lend itself toward a somewhat racist interpretation that I, for one, cannot get past.  What is the significance of thinking the intruder was a black man?  Is the stabbing (literal or figurative) justified if the intruder is black?

I think you need to be more specific or else you run the risk of being misunderstood here (I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, by the way).  If your poem is intended to be a sort of social commentary on racism then I think that it is important that you clarify the point you are trying to make.  If "black" is intended to symbolize something menacing, I think you should consider another adjective.  Just my opinion.

Jim

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
3 posted 2000-04-24 01:48 PM


yeah, that was a little disarming, and the violence seemed a little random and unexplained.  but to give you a little help, structurewise -

change didnt know to knew not, dont say until, just say til  for better rythm.  and i would say instead  He looked then instead of then he looked - to emphasize the action.  

hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

4 posted 2000-04-24 03:36 PM


as i figured people would jump to saying that it is a horride display of racism but what it is meant to be is a social critique of how people jump to conclusions about blacks and do rash things against them without stoping to think that this man is the same as my brother, the only difference is the shadow that lay on his skin.  I meant to show the stupidity of racism but apparently i didn't do as well as i thought

 There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-- Oscar Levant

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken


Craig
Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444

5 posted 2000-04-24 05:11 PM


Hoppy

I understand your explanation of what you were trying to get across in your poem but despite that I’d have to agree with the others. The problem as I see it is that the narrator is taking on the cloak of racism and so making the whole piece seem racist, it would be better, and lose no impact, if the narrator described the actions of a racist instead of describing his/her racist actions. Instead of ‘ I killed him because he looked black’ it would come across better as ‘ She killed him because he looked black’, that way it would become a poem that highlighted the negative image other people associate with color and not seem a personal statement of belief .

Thanks for giving me the chance to read and reply.


 Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool:
But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet.



Merlot
New Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 7

6 posted 2000-04-26 09:22 PM


I do feel that you did not intend for this poem to come across as a rascist poem.  I viewed this poem an alarm to bring attention to how we treat people of other races because of skin color.
Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

7 posted 2000-04-26 09:37 PM


I can see what you were trying to do with the idea brother/looked like a black man when he came through the door.  I found the poem a little confused, is the man stabbing him because he is black or because he is an intruder.  Perhaps your idea might be better expressed with a less dramatic "fact situation".  Just my opinion.
hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

8 posted 2000-04-26 10:07 PM


the reasoning for the stabbing action is because the man in the house sees the man coming through the door as a black man just walking into his home.  

but the actions themselves arn't the point of the poem,  the main focus is that people percecute, kill, and whatever else to people who are not of their race because they do not take the time to see who they are.  As in the poem the man comes in the door and immediately the man in the house kills and doesn't take time to see who the man is or what he wants, even though it's someone he knows.  

 There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-- Oscar Levant

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken


jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
9 posted 2000-04-27 08:20 AM


Hoppy:

Maybe this poem would be more effective if you told of the stabbing from the perspective of an eyewitness rather than from the perspective of the person doing the stabbing.  This, I think, would quiet some of the "racist" alarms that many of us hear when reading your poem.  I read your last explanation and think that you should expand on those ideas, clarifying your purpose for writing this.  If you want your poem to be contest ready I think this is what you are going to need to do.  Just my opinion.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-27-2000).]

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