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Critical Analysis #1
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Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

0 posted 2000-04-16 04:20 PM



Music is visceral
essential as breatheing.

It courses through your arterys
transparant, weightless, phantasmal, melody yet unsung.

It dances in the electric
sparkings leaping the furrows
of your brain.  It twists
in time to a rhythm
all its own, yet unknown.

But soon, you will hear.

And perhaps you will play,
setting free that haunting melody
thrumming wildly to the baseline
so long pulsing in your mind

And someone will listen
and your chords will burrow
in them, and bloom there, warmly,
spreading softly, coating all.

And in that moment
I will hear.
and feel somehow
your music call to mine,
the blooming deepening my breath

and for that moment
we are locked
in the most intimate of sharings
pouring passion, like honey,
Thick and Sweet
though the radio.


-Elyse Wilcock

© Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-04-16 09:15 PM


Elyse:

I'm hoping I don't have to cut my response short, considering how much I liked this poem, but I am hearing thunder out here in PA's Susquehanna Valley. I'll hold out a little longer, in spite of the risk to my precious computer.  

I enjoyed the way you crafted the music metaphor but I am wondering why you abandoned it in the last stanza (except for the last line)?  The imagery and wording in your previous stanzas is colorful and originally written but the last stanza seemed to be rather ordinary in an otherwise extraordinary poem.  I loved the last line, though.

"Music is visceral/ essential as breatheing" ... "It dances in the electric/ sparkings leaping the furrows
of your brain" ...  "thrumming wildly to the baseline / so long pulsing in your mind" ... "and your chords will burrow
in them" ... are all excellent lines.  Thanks for posting.  I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Jim

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-04-17 12:06 PM


Elyse,

I once wrote a poem using a similar music metaphor, but it was not near as good as this one is. It is smooth, rhythmic, full of imagery and the word choices are excellent. I have but one criticism (after all, this is CA). The poem would be even better if you watched your spelling, and were consistent with your puctuation. Okay...sorry...that's two. Anyway, you have a beautifully crafted, enjoyable poem here, and your first post! I can't wait to see more.

Kristine

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
3 posted 2000-04-17 12:08 PM


thanx jim, ill think about what you said.  (oh, and can you tell me how to make those cute smiley faces??)

i didnt notice it before but in the second stanza there's a line missing (!)  i have no idea how i missed that.  anyway, it ought to read -

transparant, weightless, phantasmal,
cradling an embryonic
melody yet unsung.  

im such a dork.  how do you miss a thing like that? Answer: it takes great skill.

 if poems were currency, we poets would still be poor. for any fool can string up lines that rhyme, but it takes a poet to trap some meaning between them.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-04-17 03:04 PM


Hi Elyse,

I love your name, BTW, and welcome to Passions. This is really strong for a first post. I too like the music metaphor. Very well worded and thought out.

Thanks for sharing.
OBTW, to get those cute little smiley faces, when entering an original post or a response, just scroll the browser window down a little bit and you will see an option bar (right below the "Submit" button. One of the options is "Available Smilies". Click there for a list of faces and their respective character strings. Enter the string for the face you want (be sure to leave spaces on both sides of it) at the appropriate place in your text.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



Darin
Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 17

5 posted 2000-04-18 02:18 AM


I like the way your words flow as the reader progresses through the poem.  
bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
6 posted 2000-04-18 04:39 PM


E~
I too noticed too many distracting spelling errors but liked the music metaphor. Suggestion: I think that this one might work better if it were made more personal and specific. By that I mean, the reader is never certain of the "you" and "your" that is expressed. Perhaps, music doesn't strike me as being visceral. Then what? So instead of the current 2 stanzas which read as:

Music is visceral
essential as breatheing.
It courses through your arterys
transparant, weightless, phantasmal, melody yet unsung.

It dances in the electric
sparkings leaping the furrows
of your brain.  It twists
in time to a rhythm
all its own, yet unknown.

Something like:

His music is a melody unsung
essential as my breathing.
It courses through my arteries
transparent, weightless, phantasmal
visceral.

It dances in the electric
sparkings leaping the furrows
of my brain.  It twists
in time to a rhythm
all its own, yet unknown.

I think that by comparing the music to a particular person that you know, the poem would work better. Again, this is just a suggestion, you are the author of this one, not me. Oh, by the way, I'm not a perfect speller either, but there is an edit feature in this software that makes it easy to edit typos and goofs that we all make.
best regards,
bboog


Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
7 posted 2000-04-18 06:55 PM


so, i bought a brand new dictionary, im sure you'll all be pleased to know    to bboog, i feel ya there, but i dont know how i would work that in with the rest of the poem.  besides, i was kinda tryin to imply that we all had the music in us.  and, y'all keep talkin bout a music metaphor. what do y'all think that is, cuz, see, what had happened was, i was talkin bout real music. i used to have a little dedication up there for the members of my fav. band. interesting the way other people read what you put down.  
ciao y'all - Elyse

 if poems were currency, we poets would still be poor. for any fool can string up lines that rhyme, but it takes a poet to trap meaning between them.

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