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Sunburnt
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sunburnt |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Sunburnt by bboog Sit my ass down on the sandy beach. Waiting. Walk out to the water. Trunks filled with wet grit. Waiting. Like a phone call that doesn't come. I keep looking for you. Wondering. How long is it going to be? My trunks feel dry. Better have a good excuse. Walk back out to the water. Dry, then back again. I can't keep waiting here. But I do. I'm sunburnt. And I love you. [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-22-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
This is good...the encapsulation of the 'w' words in the three lines, quick lines that don't get bogged down with too many nouns, adjectives or verbs--just the bare essentials. Pretty good. Wordshaman |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
bboog I don't know where you come up with this stuff(in the good way).You just described my last 10 beach vacations with the inlaws.You bring back fond memories with this one,a mans gota do... Good job on the waiting-wondering lines,the pause creates the feel of time passing slowly. good read. tom |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Tom & Word~ Thanks for taking your time to read and post a response! best regards, bboog |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I just wanted to tell you that I thought this poem was really nice. I especially liked the effect created by the ryhming of "do" and "you". |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kirk~ Thank you for reading and responding. best regards, bboog |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
B-: I know it has been a while since I've commented on one of your poems and I'm here to make restitution.  Seriously, I am glad to see you posting and replying in here regularly. I'm sorry to say that I had to laugh at the first line. The frustration is palpable and, at risk of sounding like a Mountain Dew commercial, I've been there and done that. Perhaps that is why the first line struck me as being a little funny.You've made good use of line breaks and punctuation ... left me with the impression that I was eavesdropping on someone's thoughts. The single word lines added to the temporal movement of the poem by interjecting those little pauses. I'm actually a little surprised that I didn't see more of the frustration after the first line. I enjoyed this, Bob. Good work. Jim |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Jim~ Cool. Always fun to see your replies. best regards, bboog |
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
oh, i love it! my mental picture is of a father sitting on the beach waiting half-impatiently for a child who wants to play for "just a few more minutes"... or a guy on vacation waiting for his significant who's trying on some swimsuits... i can see it either way  .the one comment i would make (my humble opinion ONLY, that goes without saying)... you use "sand" in the first and fourth lines... while the "waiting" emphasizes the frustration and boredom of the speaker, using "sand" twice so close together just sounds like you couldn't think of another word. i'd use "grit" or something like that the second time... or maybe "beach" the first. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Rev~ Good catch. Think I'll change it now. Thanks for reading and commenting too. best regards, bboog |
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Karina New Member
since 2000-04-19
Posts 4 |
This is a very sweet poem. I loved the last two lines. Funny what we do for the people we love. This poem shows that very well. Karina |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Karina~ Thanks for your response. I think you hit the nail on the head. best regards, bboog |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Bob, I felt left out here. What time is it on the beach? How long were you waiting? I don't see much imagery here; nothing to make me see anything but you waiting and that is vague enough. The double play (daughter or lover) is very similar to something you've done before, isn't it? I think you're holding out the full picture from us and you're not letting us into wherever your thoughts actually go in these waiting moments. I suppose I'm railing on some of the things that many others seemed to like about this one but, hey, who says you have to listen to me? Brad |
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
hmm... i didn't feel that there was anything missing--it seems to me a poet's job, in such a space-limited, dense medium, to decide which details are relevant and which are extraneous. moreover, the focus of some poems is indeed to "paint a picture" in vivid detail, whereas others are simply meant to capture a mood--and a mood is in its very nature a hazy "airy nothing" sort of thing. to fill in back-story might have made this poem unnecessarily long and might have detracted from the main thrust of "what we do for people we love." a prime example is frost's "fire and ice": "SOME say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To know that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice." do we know how hot the fire is, or what it looks like as it's consuming the world? do we even have details about "hate" and "desire"? no. but are these even necessary? anyway, i'm not trying to discredit your point; certainly difference of opinion is necessary for the reforging of poetry that goes on here. just disagreeing. < !signature--> The land sustaining us seemed to hold firm Only when we embraced it in extremis. All I believe happened there was vision. --Seamus Heaney [This message has been edited by revolution (edited 04-20-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Bob, I haven't commented on this one before because I didn't feel like I could add anything. Well, I still can't but just wanted to say hello anyway. I seem to get the feeling that most responders have a point. On Brad's end, you don't give much detail or information. But from Revolution's side, you do set a mood. Sorry to be so wishy-washy here but I just don't have anything original to add. I did enjoy reading, however. So, sorry I didn't at least say that earlier  Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Loved this poem the first time so I came back to read it again just for fun and browse through the responses. I would like to add (in response to Brad's comment) that I do not think that poetry has to present specific images. This poem evoked images for me--especially the first line and there are other specific details to compensate (trunks feel dry, etc) I did not feel left out, but as Jim pointed out, I felt as if I was "eavesdropping" on the thoughts of the speaker. What time it is (other than daytime, hence the sunburn) is irrelevant. The length is not as important as the level of frustration (which I thought you expressed well). What this poem lacks in visual images (which I think could become distracting from this poems simple-thoughts-of-a-guy-waiting-on-the-beach nature) in the idea and mood presented. I really liked this poem. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Brad, Pete, Kirk and Rev~ Thank you for reading and responding. Somebody once called me the "master of the clipped verse" because I do shape my poems with a minimum of detail. Here's how I would try to explain my style. I generally do like to create a specific image in my mind that is hopefully open enough for a reader to bring their own past or present experiences to the plate. I am primarily concerned with expressing thoughts/moods/feelings. I'm fond of using metaphors. I like to play with words, and consider myself more of a player than a poet. I'm not a writer, I'm a re-writer. I'm not so concerned about rhyme or meter as much as the mood or feeling. I don't know if these kinds of "clipped" poems are better or worse than poems that take shape in other ways (rhyme/meter/detail). I read an article years ago by a poet who said that he was visited by something (words, language, a feeling) he/she didn't expect and felt compelled to write them down. That's probably a good way to explain the way I write. It's like a polycolored parrot that suddenly appears at the window. And I yield to it. Does that make any sense? Thanks again for reading and responding! best regards, bboog |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I've read this through several times plus the replies, which were mostly positive, and frankly I don't see it. 'Go out to the water' is an atrocious line and you use it not once but twice. If one analyzes this poem line by line and considers each line on its own merits -- there's little of substance here. The only two lines I like in this poem are the first one and 'Like a phone call that doesn't come'. Sorry to be the voice of negativity but.... |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Marq, I understand how you feel, that you don't "get it". And many people have felt the same way too. What I've found is that it's helpful to keep the title in mind when reading these poems. A sunburn is sore, red skin caused by staying in sunlight too long. Just as waiting for someone too long can cause pain. Don't know if this helps. Thanks for reading and responding. bboog |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Marq, Got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, did we? I revised your comments to a more tactful version, here are my suggestions: I've read this through several times plus the replies, which were mostly positive, but I would like to point out a few things that I thought you could change. I didn't care for the line 'Go out to the water'. Also, you repeat this line twice. The individual lines seemed a little weak. I liked the first line and 'Like a phone call that doesn't come'. I hope my comments might be helpful to you... See--> much more tactful, still honest, still gets the point across Keep in mind this is a poetry forum where people are sharing their poems with you and trusting you to help them. This is NOT the monstertruck races--we don't have to demolish each other to get the job done. "If you can't say nothing nice, then don't say nothing at all."--Thumper from Disney's Bambi Kirk |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Marq, Feel free to fire away anytime. If it's not your "cuppa" tea, that's cool. Thanks for reading anyway. best regards, bboog |
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