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Independence (Elegy)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Independence (Elegy) |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
The cheap sparklers' mad erruptions, found themselves a cool death, in the gutters of the streets. Too similar to your life... faster we burn, prettier we are. And you were always the brightest flame. Where we sat there on the corner, was your Academy, your philosophy was eaten, hungrily by starving ears. What was really left in you, you were so empty that day, that last day, just before holiday, when you hugged me and whispered... "I got it"... I wouldn't realize the real impact, the sheer force those words lacked; until two weeks later. Defeated... Deflated.. Dead. You left not like the hero, Not the king of "Cool", you left broken, Your scars would never heal, Your ink would never dry, The face of your portrait... Forever Youthful. < !signature--> Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 04-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Jason, Where ya been? Nice to see you back. I liked this very much...the opening stanza was excellent...set the tone, and was full of images. The wording, and feeling in the remainder was good, too...except for: "Defeated... Deflated.. Dead." I felt you should have perhaps expanded on this...given it more feeling. Actually, those three words alone have little feeling at all. If you can just add some to that stanza, it would add a lot to a very good piece of work. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Overall tone of the poem, I enjoyed. I like elegies, I like they're tragic nature. Some lines seemed choppy, like fragments, and that made it hard to follow sometimes. Maybe due to all the commas you use. I think I've talked about that before sometime, but I guess it's not that big of a deal. Makes the reader think, pay attention. I don't know about the "King of 'Cool'" line, that seems sort of silly. Not serious enough maybe. Also, the last line come across as clicheish (is that even a word? lol). Makes me think of that Mel Gibson movie where he's frozen and wakes up 40 years later. Maybe something more original but with the same intent at the end. I like the stanza beginning with "'I got it.'" Leaves it very open to the reader's interpretations, and sort of gives motives for the character's actions. Very nice job with this one. Till later. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
warmhrt(kristine), Hi, nice to be back, been caught up in the juggling act again; school, paper, work, school paper. The usual drudgeries (sp?). Thanks for your comments on the poem. The line you mentioned is a conveyance of my state of being upon learning of the suicide of my friend. I do agree that that aspect of the subject needs expansion. Thanks again. J.L.H. Ryan, How've ya been? The commas,we have talked about before, but I believe, once again, that commas are...cool.  (I like elipses too.) The king of "Cool"..."Cool" is a poem I based on this person while he was still alive. I agree about the Mel Gibson thing. This poem still needs work, but I hashed it out sometime in the early still of Thursday A.M. Thanks for the comments. J.L.H. P.S. I'll post "Cool" to try to show the real tragedy of the poem. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jason, I'm sorry about your friend. Though I've never personally dealt with losing someone I cared about in this manner, I have talked with many others who have. It is excruciatingly painful, and again I'm sorry. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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