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would you pick me??????
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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would you pick me?????? |
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Collins Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 57 |
disposed. I feel my life has been disposed, within a truth that no one knows. hide my face, hide my pain, hide the way i feel inside. I look at you with lonely eyes, i see storm clound plague the sky. Hide the sun, hide moonlight, hide the planets and all the stars. I take the path to your heart, but it just leads to the start. Hide my love, hide my feeling, hide them far away from you. collins. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Collins: Hello, Collins, and welcome to Critical Analysis. I appreciate the sincerity of your poem and respect its personal nature. I want you to know that what I offer you is intended to be constructive criticism and some suggestions that, in my opinion, may help you improve your poem. I reiterate, I appreciated the sincerity of your poem. I can tell that you meant the words that you wrote to be directed at someone who is special to you. But good love poetry is particularly difficult to write because of the incredibly large number of love poems out there. If you are going for a poem that expresses your feelings well I think you have succeeded here. But if you are going for a poem that has potential for longevity then this poem is going to need some work. The place I would start is in shifting the focus of the language from the general to the particular. You say much about the way you look at her and the path you take toward her but you don't tell me anything about her. Part of what separates Shakespeare's love sonnets from Halmark love cards (besides the quality) is the specific nature of the description of the object of Shakespeare's feelings. Tell us why you look at her and why you persistantly take "the path toward her heart". I hope the best for you and her. Thanks for posting and, again, welcome to Critical Analysis and Passions. Jim |
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Collins Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 57 |
Jim, if you are still there, can i just thank you for your views. I do appriciate them alot. If you have the time could you look at my other poems on the "open" forum. I think they are of a better quaility, but i would still love to hear your views. Cheers mate. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
C~ Good job. bboog |
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