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The Scene
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Scene |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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She tries to sleep, but... It plays again and again on that screen in her head, Each word, each look, every movement, In slow motion, occasional freeze-frame, With no controls, she has no way to stop it... "I wanted to meet for a reason,' she says, Struggling to keep emotions in check, He sits, leaning back in the chair, Hands loosely together, resting at his belt, Wearing his 'so together-I don't give a damn' attitude, But as she says, 'We need to talk.', The facade crumbles, a questioning look filling his steel-blue eyes, He sits up, laying his hands on the table. She takes his hands into hers, And the words she'd planned so carefully Come tumbling out, too quickly, unexpectedly, With too much emotion, words not said, And soon, she sits alone, head in hands, Her teardrops sprinkling upon wilted Romaine." After it plays yet another time, She reasons, rationalizes... "He's hurt, I'm hurting, I did it all wrong, Yet all for the best, for him, only for him, He needs to move on, find someone closer to his age, Marry , and have a family; all the things he might regret not doing, We loved passionately, but not deeply, With little else in common, It would have ended sooner or later, Less pain, less heart-ache now, Oh, Lord, I miss him so... Yes, sooner was better, Before I loved too much to let him go." She sleeps, though restlessly, As pieces of the scene occupy her dreams. Kristine < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-27-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LittleBoyLost Junior Member
since 2000-03-14
Posts 28 |
As sad as this is I have to say I liked this poem. I liked the way your first line and the last two seem to form parentheses around the body of your poem and how the those lines that form the body seem to naturally follow the thought patterns of someone who can't help but to disect every second of a hurtful moment in order to find fault with his or her self and how it all ends up being rationalized in the end with "Yes, sooner was better". You have some talent, ya know. LBL |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: I agree with LittleBoy in regards to the format. I think your background lends well to your ability to see both the natural progression of rationalization and the effect the said rationalization has on the rationalizer. You paint an excellent picture here, as usual, Kris and I can't say I have any negative criticism to offer. Well written piece. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
LBL, Thank you so very much for reading, and for the extremely kind comments. I'm going to throw one of them back at ya. I just finished reading and replying to your poem, and, "You have some talent, ya know". Thanks again, LBL Jim, Thanks teach...a positive reply from you always makes my day (cuz I know that you know what you're talking about). Haven't seen you 'round much lately. Everything all right? (If you haven't yet, check out my reply to you in 101.) Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Kris, As always, a well written and interesting piece. Couldn't stop reading once I started. Seems like I'm always saying that  about your writing (well, nearly). I like and agree with LBL about the beginning and ending almost forming parentheses aroung the rest. Good observation and description LBL. When I read this part,"I wanted to meet for a reason,' she says, Struggling to keep emotions in check, He sits, leaning back in the chair, Hands loosely together, resting at his belt, Wearing his 'so together-I don't give a damn' attitude, But as she says, 'We need to talk.', The facade crumbles, a questioning look filling his steel-blue eyes, He sits up, laying his hands on the table. She takes his hands into hers, And the words she'd planned so carefully Come tumbling out, too quickly, unexpectedly, With too much emotion, words not said, And soon, she sits alone, head in hands, it suddenly hit me. I remember being on one side or the other in this exact scene, but not with Warmhrt. How did she know? Very effective and accurate. Thanks for the read. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, You're so sweet...gonna start calling you Sweet Pete. No, I won't...have a notion you may not like that too much. You are always so kind with your words, and your critiques, and I value that, coming from such a good poet. I also thank you for finding those spelling errors in the last poem I posted...Eagle-eye. Thanks, Pete, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hmmmm ... Sweet Pete ... I think I like the sound of that! Maybe I'll start using it!  No, Kris, everything is okay with me. Just been blasted busy the past couple of weeks. Hopefully things have calmed down for atleast a few days. Thanks for asking. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jim, it's one thing for Kris to maybe call me that, But folks may start to wonder or worry if you do too  Sweet Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yeah, Jim...remember when I was telling you about an incident on the Grammy's? Your response was to cover your ears while saying, "La, la ,la ,la, la, la, la, la..." Hilarious! < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-27-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kris, I liked this very much Very captivation. You told a wealth of info about a relationship in a short, short span. (In fact, on a tiny screen) I see the makings of a novelist in our midst. Ever consider this? (Or have you already written?) Liz |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kris, I'm going to make several suggestions but first, and foremost, you have set a scene that many of us can relate to. We've all been through this at one time or another. Good job at making this into its current form. Here are my suggestions. First I think you should have a chat with Ted Reynolds about how to import/use italics. I think italics might add a bit more power to the couple's words. (See Ted's poem, The Cruise.) Next, I know this may appear odd, but a question that popped into mind upon reading this was, where are these two people? In an apartment? At first I thought that they were meeting at his office because he leans back in his chair. Then I thought they might be in a restaurant, as her teardrops are falling on the lettuce. An easy fix to this question is to simply title your poem differently. Call it At La Scalia Restaurant. Or At Apartment 3B. The benefit of doing so is that the reader knows that something is going to be happening at that location, we don't know what, but we do know where. Does that make any sense? We can understand that there is a scene by reading the work. And you answer all the other, who, what, when, and how questions. But where is this action taking place? Not sure. As far as the framing technique with the sleep is concerned, I'm not a big fan of it. I think you start out stronger at "It plays again" and ending at "Before I loved too much to let him go." That's my opinion. One other thing. I think that you might do well with a few less words. Example, a cut and paste number with these lines: He sits, leaning back in the chair, Hands loosely together, resting at his belt, Wearing his 'so together-I don't give a damn' attitude, But as she says, 'We need to talk.', The facade crumbles, a questioning look filling his steel-blue eyes Maybe: He sits with his steel-blue eyes Wearing his 'so together-I don't give a damn' attitude, But as she says, 'We need to talk.', The facade crumbles, a questioning look. I guess, economize a little bit. Kris, you do have talent and you do set an interesting scene. You've got the pieces to a great poem here. It's yours to put together. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-28-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Liz, I sincerely appreciate your comments, and thank you so much for reading. Writing, whether poetry or prose, is my passion.(This is a good place for me, I guess) My life's dream is to have a book I have written published, and be successful. I am but in the infant stages of that dream, and realize there are huge odds against me ever achieving it. But, as is said, you will never get there if you don't walk out the door. I'm walking, slowly at the moment, but I'm determined. Please wish me luck...I need all I can get. Thanks, Liz, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hey bboog, You must have commented while I was replying to Liz. I hit submit, and there you were, and you hadn't been there before. I thank you so very much for your critique, and, yes, I agree that italics would work well in the stanzas where the character is telling the details of the "scene". However, I don't know how to do it.  As for the place in which the scene is played out...well, I really don't think that is all that important, and, besides, I think most people would get the idea that it is a restaraunt from what is already there.Addressing the cutting of words, phrases...I'll have to think on that...I kinda like it the way it is. I do appreciate the effort you put into the critique, and am so glad you read the poem so carefully.Thanks again, bboog, Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-29-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: You will find everything you need to know here. Jim /pip/ubbcode.htm |
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