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Love Mulch
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love Mulch |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Splintered streams on battered blue Color of somber angry sky. Hide from the light in shaking memory, Mourning pride and dignity. The night is late, the house is still The shivered breath of fractured will. A caravan of empty 'flawless' promises Weaves its way through erroded trails of reality, Buffeted by stinging sands of faithless deeds. Fain landscape once full with beauty Now blushes nests of brier and weed. Yet doors open, and fear plants still one more seed. Cap. Where the weeds that grew green from the graves of its roses, Now lie dead. "A Forsaken Garden" Algernon Charles Swinburne < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 03-25-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You know, Cap, This seems more like part of a longer poem than one that stands by itself. I like the second stanza far more than the first, it seems to have a stronger narrative flow (and descriptions of the sky are rapidly becoming, for me, too overused to maintain much impact). I found 'Color of somber angry sky' to be a bit stilted. Actually, you're mixing the images and the theme a bit too much for my taste. I know a lot of people like this kind of form but I've found it a little hard to grasp. Seems to me you should let the image and metaphor carry the poem in their own way rather than mixing up the abstract and the concrete: 'fear plants still one more seed' -- for example, would be stronger, I think, if you work on showing the seeds concretely or showing, personifying fear more concretely. Am I making any sense? Brad |
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SuZi New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8Louisville, KY |
I do noy claim to be a poet, I only know what I feel....it is incomplete....there is more, somewhere in your heart or soul is the finished piece, let it out |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Brad and SuZi, you are both right, it is only part of the poem. But I wanted to get a little of it out here in "Crit ana" to see what people thought and maybe to get some thoughts and ideas. It's kind of funny because I wasn't happy with the second stanza. LoL. I thought that the sky thing would adequately describe what a bruise/black eye looked like. Maybe I went about it wrong. But hey, that's why it's in Crit. Thanks for the advice, the rest will be forthcoming. If I can ever finish this chapter, lol. Cap. I murmur under moon and stars In brambly wilderness; I linger by my shingly bars; I loiter round my cresses; And out again I curve and flow To join the brimming river; For men may come and men may go, But I go on for ever. The Brooks Song "Alfred Tennyson" |
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