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Critical Analysis #1
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Cold
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Cold |
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Caroline7 New Member
since 2000-03-23
Posts 8Florida, USA |
This morning I woke up early and alone With a breeze blowing threw my window It was cold Like a man I tryed to roll over and keep myself warm But the blankets were way too thin They left me cold Just like a man I finally awoken, let the shower hit my skin Like ice it burnt right through me Frozen Like a man Went out to my car, to be on my way The raindrops started falling The sky was only gray Felt the dampness in the air Then deep, I breathed it in Felt a chill run right through me It left me cold Just like a man As I arrived at my destination I looked him lovingly in the eyes He turned his back right to me As I began to cry And then I felt the tear As it rolled down off my face Cool, and so familar He left me cold Just like a man I wrote this years ago after a breakup, I have since recovered! Any suggestions/comments will be appriecated. I am a first timer..  |
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| © Copyright 2000 CarolineP. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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CrEaTuRe Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 260Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia |
sorry about this one  my comp. got a little screwed up... [This message has been edited by CrEaTuRe (edited 03-23-2000).] |
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CrEaTuRe Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 260Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia |
it's a lovely piece with the feelings of that are so true .....sometimes men are like it makes me wonder why they leave us so cold and the reminders are always there when we see a certain thing  very well stated and there is a good flow of words too and it's nice to know that you have moved on dear ... nice first post By the way, Welcome to Passions  |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello Caroline I come here in defense of men(lol). I like you poem and i think that you have some good images present in it. I am not a big fan of repetition, although i have used it myself. I read you poem without the cold man part at the end of each stanza and I think it is a far more moving peice. For example.( I am just about to do something I hate) This morning I woke up early and alone With a breeze blowing threw my window I tryed to roll over and keep myself warm But the blankets were way too thin I finally awoken, let the shower hit my skin Like ice it burnt right through me Went out to my car, to be on my way The raindrops started falling The sky was only gray Felt the dampness in the air Then deep, I breathed it in Felt a chill run right through me It left me cold Just like a man Well you see what I mean, maybe. I think that if you re-write this poem a little tighter it can definitely pack a good punch. That's just my opinion anyway. See ya |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Caroline, and welcome to CA, I liked most everything about the poem...structure, rythym,the words you chose, and the manner in which you describe your feelings. However, I think it might improve it if you used something other than the generalization of "like a man". Just my opinion, but I would change it to something like..."just like him". It might read: "This morning I woke up early and alone With a breeze blowing threw my window It was cold" Just like him. "I tryed to roll over and keep myself warm But the blankets were way too thin They left me cold" Just as he did. In the third stanza, I'd make a couple of corrections: I finally awoke, let the shower hit my skin Like ice it burned right through me Frozen As his absent touch. I'd also combine the fifth and sixth stanzas, and change the last three lines...make them two, perhaps reading: Cool, so familiar Just like him. You have the makings of an excellent poem here, Caroline. Just needs some tweaking. Very good work. Hope to see more. Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
C~ Kristine's advise is right on the money. Work on variations of your theme and I think you'll make a good poem even better! best regards, bboog |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Caroline, Welcome to Passions and the CA. When I first read this, I was tempted to jump in defending men. But I see that Tony has already done that. (Thanks Tony) Both he and Kristine have offered excellent advice so I won't try to add there. But I do suggest you check spelling and word usage carefully before submitting. For instance, in your second line, the context calls for through instead of threw. In some cases you might get by with using thru but threw is actually the past tense of throw, an entirely different word. I the second stanza, I believe the correct spelling is tried instead of tryed although our language is sometimes spelled differently in different countries. In the third stanza, awoke is required where you have awoken. Well, you see what I mean. Don't take this wrong. I am not trying to nit-pick. I only want to do whatever small part I can in helping you improve. Of course, none of this applies if this is a style you want to adopt, but I would be very cautious in doing that. Thanks and keep them coming. I look forward to your next submission. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
Obvioulsy that was a bad break-up, something I am sure that we have all been through. I know that I have... Your poem has given me a few things to think about... Thanks |
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