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The Grim Reaper
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Grim Reaper |
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nona Member
since 2000-03-03
Posts 139Fla |
I've met the "Grim Reaper" up close and personal I've seen him face to face. You see we ply our trades in the same place. We have different reasons for being here you see and often competed in a dead heat race.Both vying for the person we each try to embrace. He has his own agenda and I have mine, both very different in design. For he is here to take away While I must do my best to help this person stay to see another day. But there have been times he didn't come and I wished that he would For death can be a blessing too comes time to say adieu. nona |
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| © Copyright 2000 Nona-Madonna Neumann - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Nona: This seems to be a telling of the experiences of a healthcare worker in a hospital and his/her encounters with death. My first suggestion would be to either try to control your meter or drop the rhyme. Rhyme is very difficult to successfully pull off if the poet is not conscious of his/her meter. This is how I scanned your first few lines. The capital letters indicate accented syllables and the lower case unstressed syllables. i've MET / the GRIM / REAP - er / UP CLOSE / and PERS- / on AL i've SEEN / him FACE / to FACE. you SEE / we PLY / our TRADES / in the / SAME PLACE. WE have / DIFF - erent / REAS - ons / for BE- / -ing HERE / you SEE Notice when you have a regular up-down-up-down-up-down rhythm your lines flow better. If you want to preserve your rhyme I highly suggest trying to regulate your meter. As far as content is concerned, the second line seems, more or less, to be a restatement of what you already said in the first line. Usually tautology is something we should try to avoid in our writing unless we are trying to drive a point home. and OFT- / -en com- / -PET - ed / in a / DEAD HEAT / RACE. both VY- / -ing FOR / the PERS- / -on we / each TRY / to em- / -BRACE. You can see that your meter in these lines is irregular. I suggest that you read the poem to yourself out loud and ask yourself if it sounds as though you could speak the lines naturally, that the rhyme blends in with its surrounding words, and that the word arrangement isn't forced to accommodate the rhyme. Writing in rhyme can be difficult. I often spend hours on one poem just trying to get the rhyme and meter to blend with the poem so as to be almost unnoticeable. I recommend a good rhyming dictionary and much patience. As for the content of the lines, I like the subject but I think you could be more descriptive in your race against death. What are you feeling during these contests? What does death look like? What do the people you are striving to save look like? Do they know that the struggle is taking place or are they oblivious to it? Are they in pain? Are they pleading for death or for life? There are so many directions you could take with this that it could make anyone's head spin. Don't merely tell of your race with death, describe it. Put us right there with you. I liked your last stanza but, again, thought you could be more descriptive. This is a good subject and I think there is much potential for a good poem in there. I simply suggest that you attempt to paint a more vivid picture of this struggle with death, perhaps focusing on one particularly difficult encounter. Make us feel your feelings through your words. That, after all, is much of what poetry is about, right? Jim |
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nona Member
since 2000-03-03
Posts 139Fla |
Thank you so much for your critique. I have made many attempts to get this written in a way to convey what I am trying to say. You are right I have a lot of images and feelings I didn't touch on but find it hard to stay in rhyme. Perhaps it would be better to attempt this in Prose instead so I can focus more on meaning than on rhyme. At least you saw who I was and where I was coming from!! That is why I posted here I feel I have something to say but it doesn't roll off the end of my pencil like my other poems have. Perhaps because when we are passionate about something we are more incumbered to be sure we deliver a perfect package.Or perhaps it is just my inexperience after all..........nona  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nona, Rather than prose, I like Jim's suggestion, for the reasons he stated. I think I would find it impossible to write an acceptable poem with rhyme but no rhythm (this seems to always make it look like you had to force the rhyme). I only find it very difficult to write one without either.  Just drop the rhymes and let it come out as free verse.Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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