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Child Of The Earth
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Child Of The Earth |
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Tess Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 288Australia 
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Child Of the Earth In the still of the night I go walking, Moon shadows tenuously follow me, Sinuously snake across the dusty ground, Leave crunch, breaking like bones beneath my feet, 'Though I step carefully. The silent stars proudly display their beauty, Against the black velvet night. Orion is my guiding light. A breeze softly stirs in the towering trees, As they quietly whisper my name, Telling my secrets to the infinite darkness. The slow moving water calls seductively to me, Let me caress you, Soothe you, Cover you with my love. Unpeeling my day skin I join her. The cold shook of contact, Awakens me momentarily from my trance, Until she rocks me smoothly, As l melt with her. We move in a duet for one in fluid motion, An unending symphony from a single refrain, Flowing through my body, Playing in my brain. Regretfully I wrench myself from the safety of her womb, Moonbeams dance across my rippled flesh, I raise my hands to the heavens, And celebrate my oneness with the earth. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tess - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
T~ So you're the one I saw down at the beach the other night! I happen to like nature poems and this was a nice one. Suggest you edit some words, "leave" should be "leaves" "shook" might be "shock"? I imagined that this was a river that you were walking to? Wasn't certain. Might want to clear that point up in the first line. In the still of the night I walk to the lake. (So the reader can better capture the beauty of your rippled flesh in the water) best regards, bboog |
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Tess Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 288Australia |
B- And all that time I thought I was alone too...I'll have to be more aware  Oh and thanks for the suggestions. You were right (proof reading was never my strong point!!) Tess "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." -Aristotle |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tess: You have an interesting rhythm going on here that suggests to me that you pay close attention to the sound of the words you choose. Am I right? I enjoyed reading this one aloud. A few minor suggestions. You may want to consider rearranging the last two lines of the first stanza like this: "Leave[s] crunch, though I step carefully, breaking like bones beneath my feet." I think the way you have it now draws too much attention to the incidental "though I step carefully". A little change and, I think, more attention is given to the description of the sound that the crunching leaves make. Just my opinion. "The silent stars proudly display their beauty, Against the black velvet night. Orion is my guiding light." I really liked the wording of the stanza but the "Orion" line seemed a little abrupt. I think Orion is in the southwestern sky right now ... could it be you are somewhere in California? Anyway, I think some rewording, perhaps making the stanza one complete sentence, would give the Orion line more prominence. "We move in a duet for one in fluid motion, An unending symphony from a single refrain, Flowing through my body, Playing in my brain." This is also a very solid line. I love the play of the musical references and the multiple applications of "fluid" in "fluid motion". I thought "brain" was a little bit out of place in this line, however. Yeah, it rhymes, but with words like "duet", "fluid motion", "symphony" and "refrain" preceding it, "brain" was a little disappointing. Even so, I really liked this line. "Regretfully I wrench myself from the safety of her womb, Moonbeams dance across my rippled flesh, I raise my hands to the heavens, And celebrate my oneness with the earth." Since you are personifying "earth" you may want to consider capitalizing her. You describe the scene and your experience very well and your word choice and play is interesting. There were stanzas that I thought were stronger than others. You may want to consider tweaking some of the weaker ones but, overall, I would say you have a pretty strong piece here. Thanks for posting. I enjoyed the read. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Tess, Nice poem. Great symbolism in the water and moonlight. Jim has already done the slice and dice thing and I really can't improve on that. But I must say you painted a beautiful visual image here. I feel like I was there, with Bboog, behind a bush, secretely watching.  Oops, got to run, will finish later(A few minutes later he finishes that urgent call and returns to here but can't remember his train of thought at the time he quickly exited.) Well anyway, I did want to make one more point. In response to Bboog, you said "proofreading is not your strong point" or words to that effect. I would encourage you to rethink that. Simple errors can be distracting for your readers. You should care enough about your work to spellcheck and otherwise carefully proofread before submitting it. If not, it may be presumptious to expect readers to care much either. Just my thoughts but you might want to consider. Thanks and BTW I really did enjoy this poem. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-23-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Tess I have walked on those "black velvet nights" and felt the moonlight touch my face and gazed upon the "silent stars". I enjoy any poem about nature or the heavens, especially when they're written like this. Some beautiful phrases in this poem, but the feel of it leads up nicely to that wonderful last line, "and celebrate my oneness with the earth" Excellent Liz |
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Tess Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 288Australia |
THank you all for your responses to me poem.and for your help..it is much appreciated....I am trying to digest everything that has been said and I will keep in mind all you have suggested and now wil work on a new version 2 of the poem thanks to those comments... Oh and I'm not in California ..I'm in Australia..and yes l agree with the Orion thing Also the brain one...Thanks Jim I guess what l was trying to say was it was in my mind..perhaps this is better..l'm not sure will work on it My Proof reading "not A Poet" what I meant was I use a spell check and stuff..but I always still seem to miss a few things..I'll try harder "Love is the only drug you can take that will convince you each time that you've never had it before." ~author unknown~ |
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