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The Piper
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Piper |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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His fingers covered holes carved in the wood, His breath was offered to it, as it should To form mesmerizing, dancing melodies. She watched him playing, Entranced by his song, Her eyes kept straying back to notes so strong, She ignored what was played out on the stage. And then, it was done, She started to leave, Then noticed the one, (Such spells did he weave.) In the lobby, thanking patrons filing out. When his hand touched hers, And she looked in his eyes, She'd already concurred that it would be wise To speak of her enchantment. When she did, he backed away from the crowd, Not breaking contact, As she spoke aloud Of her love of the music of flutes. He picked up the flute, Put it to her lips, Then did substitute with his fingertips, As he asked her to blow smoothly and gently. Her breath was unsteady, The notes were too soft, And she was so heady, As notes rose aloft, And she thought of his lips having been where hers were now. He lowered the flute, Then picked up her hand, I'll make one to suit these fingers. I plan to fashion it only for you. He left, and returned holding paper and pen, Her stomach, it churned, As he took her hands, Then gently placed them on the paper just so. With dark ink, he traced 'round ev'ry finger, She felt soft embrace, as his hands lingered, Upon hers, though the pattern was complete. I see you don't wear wedding rings, he winked. Do you think you'd care to go out for a drink? And he looked into her eyes for the answer. She thought she would faint, as she answered, "yes", Though she used restraint, and did not confess That she found his charm quite irresistible. She traveled back home, His address in hand, She sent him her poems, and dreamt of white sand, Though she heard not one thing in return. Then one cloudy morn, She received a box, When wrappings were torn, She gazed so awestruck, For inside lay the flute he had made. And a note explained, Just how busy he'd been, That he was not trained In using the pen, And feared writing a response to her words. Every word in the note meant so much to her, Not just what he wrote, Each sound and color, To her, it read just like Shakespeare. She's learning to play, He's learning to write, A duet someday, He'll play, she'll recite. Poetry and music, dreams can come true. Kristine< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-24-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Damn, this is fascinating. I don't know whether it means more to me as a former musician or as a stumbling novice poet. Well, I also like to make things  This is a beautiful story exceptionally well told. But where did all that structure come from?Made my day. I loved it. Thanks so much. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Kristine- This is so entrancing...your flow of words and images is delightful as music. It's an incredibly delicate story and the close...perfect. I love this. the only thing i could even begin to suggest is the last line of the first stanza. "To form mesmerizing, dancing melodies." I keep reading as "forming mesmerizing, dancing melodies." for what ever reason it flows more smoothly to me...but this is indeed a very small quip in such a lovely lace of work. |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kristine, This was so enjoyable a read with the rhyming, non rhyming scheme. I was smiling all the way through, not only at the story, but at that last non rhyming line. What a pleasure! Liz |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I know you're not a stumbling, novice poet...you're a wonderful poet...but were you really a musician? What did you play? Thank you so much for your kind words, and I'm thrilled that I added a bit of cheer to your day. The structure is similar to that of Shelley's "To a Skylark". I came across it a few days ago, and thought I'd try writing something close in structure or format. Thanks again, Pete Haze, Girl, I must say that your responses are almost as poetic as your work. Glad you enjoyed this...very different writing for me...kind of an experiment. So far it looks like no exploding test tubes, but none of our moderators have got in the mix as yet. Later...thanx again. Liz, That this piece made someone smile in enjoyment means to me that I did something right. Thank you so very much for reading and commenting. Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-23-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Didn't mean that particular structure. I meant what is causing you to suddenly write anything as structured as this was  Yep, way back in a former life I helped pay my way through college as a saxophone player. Interestingly enough, most sax players also play a little flute, and I was no exception. No, I didn't meet my lovely wife this way, or any other girls for that matter, but your poem still brought back some pleasant memories from an easier time. So, thanks again for a delightful story. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, You know I usually write free verse, but I've also written a few sonnets...I like to try different forms. Basically, I like a challenge...but this "epic" thing in Poetry Workshop...I don't know if I'm up for that. A sax man, huh? Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: I read this when you first posted it and was struck by the proficiency of your telling. I suppose you could say I was a piper years ago. While growing up I was the best male clarinetist in the Lancaster School District ... okay ... so I was the only male clarinetist in the Lancaster School District. But I was pretty good. I liked your format here (very regular ... comfortable for the high C personality that I am) and the subject matter was ... well ... very romantic. I enjoyed it a great deal and refuse to profane it with a slice and dice. Very strong work here Kris.Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, You never profane anything...you always offer sound, helpful advice...if you're not involved in some sort of imaginary battle with Philip or Pete. Last I heard it was darts. Tsk, tsk. Don't you know those things can put your eye out? We need to get together, and form our own band...we've got a sax, a clarinet, what else do we need? Drums? Trumpet? Guitars? I don't play an instument, but I could manage, or be a gofer...or maybe even sing. (ouch) We could make "The Star Spangled Banner" our specialty, open hockey games, and other sports, and get in for nothin! Okay, a little tangential thinking there...I'll get back on track. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it, and found it romantic (I have difficulty writing that way sometimes), and I guess this means there'll be no test tubes exploding, and the experiment was somewhat successful. The chemteach hates a mess. Thanks, Jimteach, Grasshoppa the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
K~ I liked the title of this piece, The Piper because it kind of suggests The Pied Piper. This might seem nit-picky but my first thought in reading it was why didn't he pick up the phone and call her? It came across to me that this man was (excuse the pun) a "player". Like this man had done this kind of thing before. Perhaps a title of "The Piper of 1859" or something like that, might help bring us back to a time when people depended more on letters to keep in touch. Anyway, just a few thoughts. I enjoyed reading it. best regards, bboog |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
And I suppose this poem is an example of that difficulty you have writing romantically  Right! Even the nit-picky bboog (his own words) can't spoil the romantic theme and setting of this one. I read it again this morn and it's more lovely than yesterday. I printed a copy to show to my wife (hope you don't mind, I didn't take credit for it or anything). But aha! This is critical analysis and (triumphantly, he grins) I finally found something wrong with one of your poems  At the end of the 12th stanza, I believe the proper spelling should be irresist[i]ble and in the 14th stanza, rec[ei]ved.Seriously Kris, thanks again for an absolutely delightful story and poem. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-24-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
bboog, I'm glad you enjoyed. Well, since it was probably half-a-world away, I just figured writing would be a whole lot more practical. Perhaps when the relationship progressed, then occasional calls would be called for. Okay, so I didn't figure it out totally before I wrote it...I'll have to work out every detail next time I write a poem like this, so neither one comes off looking like a "player". Did that word come from rap or hip-hop? It has to be a Generation X word. Thanx boog Pete, Thanks for noticing those mistakes...I went through it again, and noticed a couple more of them. Not gonna tell you where they were, though. It makes me feel soooo good that you found this worthy to share. Now, when are we gonna talk about starting up that musical group??? (btw I am a total Romantic, and I love others romantic poems, but never know if I've captured that feeling until I get feedback.) Thanks again, Saxman, Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-24-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, Brad said it is alright pop the good ones back up. This has always been one of my favorites so with a magic click of the mouse and a wave of my hand, here it is again for our newer members who may not have seen it yet. Enjoy Pete |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
I really liked this. You've told the story very well. The only thing I would like to mention, and it may just be me, was in this stanza, fourth line: She traveled back home, His address in hand, She sent him her poems, and dreamt of white sand, Though she heard not one thing in return. After reading the fourth line, my concentration was broken because "white sand" seemed out of place to me in this piece. You may have a valid reason for using this image besides it rhyming with "hand". Overall, good job! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, argggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh....Personally, I think of this as playing around with words, not as serious poetry, but if anyone enjoys it.... Janie, Thank you for reading and commenting. The "white sand" was what she was travelling home from. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi kris! yes, this is very sweet and romantic. i love pairing poetry with music. and poems about music. but on to the important things - this band. now, i play the piano, or used to, and if i practice i reckon i could fake it pretty well but before we start anything we need a cool name. i cant think of any at the mo. anyone else?luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, to you it may have been "playing around with words" but I found it truly emjoyable. You told a lovely, romantic story without being mushy. And you did it in a most unusual form. I still say it is one of my favorites. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't remember this one. I've missed a few in my time around here. I agree with Janie about the white sand part. Now, others have pointed the same thing out in my poetry so just let me say that there is nothing particularly wrong with that part in itself except that it doesn't seem to connect with any other part of the poem - it simply stands out as 'free' does in my most recent experiment. Still, 'free' is intended to stand out but I wonder is 'sand' is here? Kris, You've got some great images here but I felt a little more description of the flutist and his own insecurities might be in order; I think a little more balance might enhance the piece - it's almost as if the whole poetry angle is deemphasized. Hmmmmm. Can't tell you my flute story; this is a family site. Brad |
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