navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » The Future
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic The Future Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2000-03-21 07:47 AM


t
he
e f
fut
futur
uture
ture is
ure is b
re is bui
e is built
is built u
is built upo
s built upon
built upon th
built upon the
uilt upon the pa
ilt upon the past
lt upon the past f
t upon the past fut
upon the past futur
upon the past futures



[This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 03-21-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved
Ted Reynolds
Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331

1 posted 2000-03-21 08:11 AM


and
nd a
a dn
dna

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

2 posted 2000-03-21 08:16 AM


hey Trevor this is really kewl, loved it, WOW!   excellent!

 What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge



Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

3 posted 2000-03-21 08:23 AM


Alright!
Something to get stuck into...

Well, not really actually...

Now - I absolutely love this Trevor (just popped back in to say I hope it is ok to say that here...anyway, don't get used to it! LOL - j/k) - this is more an artform to me than a poem.

I find the way you have started lines without whole words highly orignal. Most experimental, Trevor (snobby applause).

Now looking at this aesthetically - I see the slow descent of the 'built upon's' as very fluid - it is like a visual river cutting through the whole piece. And to me - it kind of mocks the line of the poem...as if the past is a weak foundation - a subtle way of saying visually that the past is doomed to repeat itself - and that it is as weak as a soft river bank. Now, I suppose you are thinking I really am a weird freaky arty type who is constantly obscure - but it is obscenely late here and if I don't make sense then yet AGAIN I apologise...lol  

No that is how I see it...am I anywhere near your intent?

  K




< !signature-->

 'Writing sharpens life;
life enriches writing'
Sylvia Plath


[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 03-21-2000).]

haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
4 posted 2000-03-21 09:38 AM


Very cool form and design-nice wind to the philosophic close

"the future is built upon the past futures"

KUDOS

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-03-21 10:12 AM


T
re
vor
i th
ink t
his co
uld hav
e been s
aid in so
more simpl
e manner wi
a little eff
ort my friend
But it seems
that I have
no repetit
ion or pa
rtial wo
rds for
this r
espon
se t
hou
gh
!


Pete

 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

6 posted 2000-03-21 02:48 PM


Trev!!

Like the style, the format, the original manner in which you stated the message...but I disagree, to some extent.

Nice work...
Kris

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
7 posted 2000-03-21 03:17 PM


Trev:

Well, I have to live up to my reputation (what are we without our reputation) and ask a question only a ... er ... pedantic person such as myself might ask:

1   t
2   he
3   e fu
4   futu
5   futur
6   future i
7   uture is
8   ture is bu
9   ure is buil
9   re is built
10  e is built up
11  is built upon
12  is built upon t
13  s built upon the
13  built upon the p
15  built upon the pas
15  uilt upon the past
15  ilt upon the past f
16  lt upon the past fut
17  t upon the past futur
18  upon the past futures

Until your 9th line you have an evenly progressing letter count.  Then you do two lines of 9, two lines of 13, skip 14 and do three lines of 15.  LOL.  Sorry, my maple-leaf friend, couldn't resist.

I agree with Kris that the format and style of this one is interesting.  The statement works for me, as a generality, but not necessarily as a universal.  This is one for Philosophy 101, dontcha think?  Enjoyed it.

Later.

Jim

haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
8 posted 2000-03-21 05:12 PM


Personally I found the winding like a spiral staicase. I never count the rungs, only the view--
AND NOW
that I have the attention of TWO of the moderators of this forum-there is a gurrl down there by the name of Nikkisweet who's small poem received one comment. She seems to want help...she needs it-and the only thing she's gotten is my rhetoric...
and about 4 of my poems as examples (poor girl)

so...shall we lead by example or--
GET ANOTHER DISSERTATION
from BRAD

patchoulipumpkin
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196
Bermuda
9 posted 2000-03-21 08:27 PM


very cool!
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
10 posted 2000-03-23 05:05 AM


Trevor

Nice to have something different for a change. As well as the obvious broadening base reflecting the concept of a foundation to build upon I also saw another possible angle. Essentially, assuming creation started with some sort of big bang, (ie a single event) your form kind of mirrors this with its initial single character and then as time progresses the options widening and multiplying presumably at some kind of exponential rate .. nice idea ..

Also I loved your DNA piece Ted .. here's my attempt:

LIFE is not

                    mate
                    rial

it is


        P                          T

   I                 U      
              R                         I
                          A
                                 L
        S  

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
11 posted 2000-03-25 06:17 PM


Well, everybody else seems to have liked it. I admit I enjoyed the initial impact. I like the breaks in the words, the attempts of the past (both in the micro and macro sense of that word) to create a future that never, or almost never, conforms to our expectations. Chaos theory seems to abound in this one.

I also liked Ted's 'dna' thing and Philip's little doodle:  

material -- order
spiritual -- chaos

or did you mean this, Philip:

material -- limited
spiritual -- everything

Hey, don't we have to discuss that sometime?

I guess you could say it made me think but, you know me, it's just far too general for me to be saying anything really interesting to me. It's getting kind of scary but Haze is now predicting what I like and dislike (with a fair degree of accuracy). I can't believe I've become this predictable.

Brad

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » The Future

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary