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Road to Nowhere
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Road to Nowhere |
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
It twists, It turns in so many ways, with beautiful flowers, and trees that sway. It looks so inviting, and smells of flowers so sweet. I feel dirt...A path under my feet. Walking and walking the Road to Nowhere, I get a cold feeling a sudden scare.. Does my family remember me? Will it last? Or will I forever be trapped in this past? A feeling of warmth, a feeling of love, greeted with a quick push, a quick shove. Am I in hell? Does anyone care? Or am I still walking the Road to Nowhere? I wake up in a terrible fright. In my bed all snuggled in tight. Dana [This message has been edited by dazed (edited 03-22-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Dana Wheeler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
OK just to give you some background on this poem...I wrote it when I was like 16 and very depressed..I'm now older and dont feel that way... The line I feel dirt a path under my feet was supposed to be below the other line dont ask me why its out in the middle of the page that way, so i know this much is wrong hehehe Anyway I really need some help on how to lay this poem out...It's hard to type it down the way I want someone to read it... Dana  P.S if you guys use any fancy words let me know what they mean... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Dana, I thought that line looked out of place. Just a little quick help here. You can fix that. When you view the poem, there will be some icons (little pictures) above the post. Set your pointer over one of them for a couple of seconds and a brief description will appear. Keep trying until you find the one which says "Edit/Delete Message". Click that one and like magic, you will get a copy of your poem as it currently exists. Set you pointer where you want the line to break (after ". . . so sweet.", I presume) and hit the "Enter" key. Scroll down to where you find the "Submit Now" button and click it. Like more magic, your problem is fixed. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-20-2000).] |
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dazed Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 119USA |
hey pete thanx alot!! Dana |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Dana, I'll try to add a little more of substance now. I confess, my first instinct was to want to work on the rhythm a little and make it into a sonnet (a personal thing  ).It does seem that some of your rhymes are a little forced and the rhythm a little ragged in places. For example, read the first stanza aloud. Notice how it flows smoothly except for the third line which breaks the rhythm a little. The last line does too. Now I don't mean to say that you must maintain the same rhythm or meter throughout but I get the impression from reading that this one should. That impression may partly be caused by the couplet rhyme scheme. If you don't want a metered feel then it may be better to not rhyme. (Hard to believe I said that.) It seems that we instinctively want to feel meter when we hear rhyme. Also the fourth line seems awkwardly worded when read in the context of its stanza. I see what you wanted to say and understand it needs to be there to lead into the "Road to Nowhere" theme. But the wording could be improved IMHO. Similar comments could be made about the rest. But just for grins, here is how it might look as a sort of sonnet This is not intended to be critiqued or anything like that but just for fun.It twists, It turns in many ways, Looks so inviting, and smells so sweet. With beautiful flowers, and trees that sway. The feel of dirt ... A path for my feet. Walking and walking the Road to Nowhere, Do they remember and will it last? I get a cold feeling a sudden scare. Will I forever be trapped in the past? A feeling of warmth, a feeling of love, Or am I in hell? Does anyone care? I'm met by a push, no really a shove. And am I still walking that Road to Nowhere? I wake up now in a terrible fright. But in my bed all snuggled in tight. Well, I can't wait for the sonnet police to get their hands on this one. There are still some lines which seem a little trite, like the last one. These are what makes it look like we just needed something to make the rhyme work, hence forced rhyme. You have a nice image here and I would like to see you perfect it. You might also want to look into writing it as free verse (cringes here). Thanks. Now lets wait for some more comments. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-22-2000).] |
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