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Fragrance of Her Lily (another rewrite)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fragrance of Her Lily (another rewrite) |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
Fragrance of Her Lily once a year i open her memory box take out the things she loved so much and set them by the lily in remembrance. i see her mothers brooch a cameo silhouette of gentleness worn in a lifetime of hard labors, a lock of hair tied with blue satin ribbon from her only child a daughter loved who walked the same footsteps into darkness, several photos black and white of family mostly gone now that few remember, letters from the past telling her of sorrows like the day her brother died, it was the war he didnt survive, and perhaps it took also a part of her, the small blue metallic purse she carried on her wedding day and so did i, his watch and wedding ring, golden like the memories of him she kept in cherished silence, secrets of her heart, her silver watch i held close the day she died, victim of her own loneliness on an April day when the house was full of lilies waiting for the resurrection that for her never came. for the season i keep the fragrant lilies in tribute to this woman i loved so much and it breaks my heart as i wonder did i ever really tell her..... [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 03-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Diana B - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
DianaB~ I found this beauty while sifting through the archives. I just wanted to take a moment to say that it is such a pretty piece, written with much love. When the heart plunders through our memories, we find some amazing treasures. I think this is a treasure. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Diana, How's it going? Interesting piece that gets bogged down in the commentary on the list. Give us the list and suggest the emotion (perhaps through symbol?) rather than telling us all about that pain and suffering. once a year i open her memory box take out the things she loved so much and set them by the lily in remembrance. i see her mothers brooch a cameo silhouette of gentleness worn in worn labor, a lock of hair tied with blue satin ribbon from her only child several photos black and white of family yellowed, forgotten by most letters from the past telling her the day her brother died, he didn't survive [name of specific battle] did she? the small blue metallic purse she carried on her wedding day so did i, his watch and wedding ring, golden like memories, her silver watch i held close the day she died, she was alone on an April day when the house was full of lilies and I sit with lillies --You might want to bring in a circular element here to show the relationship between the two women or something. --Of course, these are only suggestions and is not intended as a rewrite nor am I suggesting that this is better the way I've revised it (it's not). --just some points that you might want to consider. Just an opinion, Brad |
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