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Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

0 posted 2000-03-17 12:21 PM


I Cannot Say Good-bye

I cannot say good-bye, my love
Good-bye does not exist
The essence of the spoken word
The tides of fate resist
And hopes of our tomorrow are
Engraved upon a kiss

A fond farewell is tender sorrow
Whispering once more
The sweet refrain of longing heartache
Etched upon the door
And blowing in the willow branch
The songs of ever more

And so, my darling, as we part
No farewell will I send
But only wish Godspeed, my love,
Until we meet again
And keep engraved upon your lips
My love til lovers’ end

Elizabeth Santos




[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-17-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-03-17 12:45 PM


Elizabeth,

I know you may get some comments about over-used phrases and such, but I think this was a perfectly lovely poem. I'm a sucker for love poems anyway, but this one, in particular, touched me. The one line I might try to change, because it is so close to "parting is such sweet sorrow", is the first one of the second stanza.

I liked the three rhymes, or near rhymes, in the stanzas of six lines, and the last two lines of each of those. I would recommend, however, to change one of the "engraved"s to another suitable word.

That said, I still feel this is a very nice piece of work...straightforward and heartfelt.

Good job, Elizabeth,
Kristine
I also liked "The essence of the spoken word
                 The tides of fate resist."
Nice phrasing.



 Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2000-03-17 01:05 PM


Hi Elizabeth,

Got to run right now so can't say much except, I wish I had written this. It absolutely fascinated me. I will get back later today and have more to say.

Thanks for your patience.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



Diana B
Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97

3 posted 2000-03-17 01:21 PM


i second the love for romantic poetry...the emotions need no explanation.  love to write them myself and wish i could do them as fluidily as you.  i have a problem with the six line stanza and the "and" connectors but that is just how my ear works...am sure most would find them quite beautiful.
i particularly like these two phrases

" fond farewell is tender sorrow"
"the sweet refrain of longing heartache"


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
4 posted 2000-03-17 02:24 PM


warmhrt, Thank you for your comments. I edited the line you mentioned, and then went back and changed it back again to the original line. Someone else liked the line and I realized that I didn't have the famous "parting is such sweet sorrow" in my mind when I wrote it.I tried to replace the second "etched", but couldn't think of one that improved the line. perhaps someone can suggest another word for me. I appreciate your comments, warmhrt. Thanks
Liz

DianaB, I see what you mean by the "and" connectors. I didn't notice them until you meantioned it, but I guess they are really rhythmic fill-ins. I did change the last one, but am having trouble with the others. I kind of like the six line stanza, although I realize the rhyme is not perfect. Thanks so much for your expertise. much appreciated
Liz
Diana, Now I went back and put the "and" back in because it just flows more smoothly. I'll wait to see if anyone else comments on my "ands". But I will always be aware of this tendancy in my poetry. Thanks
Liz

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-17-2000).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-03-17 02:36 PM


OK Liz,

Lunch is over and I'm back. I have reread and reread and still find that I can't offer much criticism. Personally, I love the ballad meter with the sestet format. But this is CA and we must keep Brad and Trevor at bay   so here goes. Personally I usually like punctuation and since you have used a few commas, I would fully punctuate. Otherwise, probably leave them all out.

First stanza:
1) add a comma after my love (parenthetical element) or remove the one before.
2) I would add a semicolon at end of line 2, a comma at end of line 3 and a period at the end.
3) Finally I would move "Are" from line 6 to line 5, making your meter consistent throughout the poem  
So it looks like:

   "I cannot say good-bye, my love,
   Good-bye does not exist;
   The essence of the spoken word,
   The tides of fate resist
   And hopes of our tomorrow are
   Engraved upon a kiss."

BTW, those last two lines are simply stunning.

Second Stanza: I like a comma at the end of the first line and a period after the last.

   "I'll always feel this tender sorrow,
   Whispering once more
   The sweet refrain of longing heartache
   Etched upon the door
   And blowing in the willow branch
   The songs of ever more."

Third Stanza:

1) Technically, I think the first line wants a comma but I would leave it out as you have.
2) In line 3 "my love" is again parenthetical and should have a comma after or not have one before. I think it flows better with both in but then you might want to remove the one after wish.
3) Another period at the end.

   "And so, my darling, as we part
   No farewell will I send
   But only wish Godspeed, my love,
   Until we meet again
   And keep engraved upon your lips
   My love til lovers’ end."

I know some of this sounds pretty nit-picky and it probably is. But I just can't find anything else to say. Like I said before, I wish I had written it.

Thanks for a great read.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
6 posted 2000-03-17 03:13 PM


Pete,
Thank you so much for your lengthy response. For one who is so particular, your remarks are very flattering. I appreciate the corrections in punctuation. I always thought to only put in that punctuation which would aid in the reading of the poem. Is it necessary to use periods at the end if you use commas in the middle of a phrase? Are there any rules regarding this? I am very lax in punctuation. I am humbled by your compliments.
Thanks again
Liz

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2000-03-17 03:38 PM


Hi again,

Sorry, I'm not the one to give an authoritative answer to your questions about rules and propriety. I know several of our fine poets here and elsewhere avoid punctuation completely and seem to get by with it. My personal preference is to use punctuation as correctly as I am able, with some variants allowed improve readability. I know you are trying to point out places where a pause is desired that I might not realize and you assume I know to stop at the end. But, for some reason, partial punctuation just seems incomplete or something like that. After having said all this, I can't say with any certainty that I understood it either  

So, I don't know what is right or wrong, desirable or not. Only that I am more comfortable with than without, for whatever that's worth. But, having posed such difficult and technical questions, I feel certain that more answers are forthcoming. (Do I hear the approaching footsteps of a moderator?) Some of them will probably be useful and some will likely be as vague as mine  

In any event, I stand by my original appraisal of this poem. A beauty.  


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
8 posted 2000-03-17 03:49 PM


Thanks, Pete, let's hear what they have to say. It's a question I've always had, but never thought to ask. Personally I think in poetry, anything goes. But I am rather new to poetry and never studied it, so I haven't a clue.
Liz

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
9 posted 2000-03-17 11:47 PM


L~
I think this poem would be better if you ended it with the idea of:

And keep these words upon your lips
My love will never end.

instead of

And keep engraved upon your lips
My love til lovers’ end

As a reader, I'd prefer to see something different than something repeated. (But that's just me and it's your poem.)
best regards,
bboog

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
10 posted 2000-03-18 07:51 AM


bboog,
Thanks for the suggestion. You are the second one who didn't like the repetition of the wors "engraved". I like your ending also, but can't decide which one I like better. perhaps we'll get a third opinion. Thanks you for reading and commenting
Liz

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