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Shallow little light....
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Shallow little light.... |
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The Jackal Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 426Springfield, Massachusetts U.S.A |
is it me or is it miserable sitting in the dark with my life turned off again its irresistable...a pure delight to bother.. to pester.. you basking and bathing in your good for nothing shallow little light... |
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| © Copyright 2000 John Dixon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Jackal, "is it me or is it miserable sitting in the dark with my life turned off again its irresistable...a pure delight" I found this part contridictory. First you are saying how miserable it is that your life seems turned off again but then you are saying you're actually happy by pestering this person whom you say is falsely happy? Is it miserable sitting in the dark pestering this person or is it delightful? "to bother.. to pester.." Normally I don't like "..."s (I'll remember there tech, term one of these days) but I thought they fit this poem because they add a sense of peskiness. "you basking and bathing in your good for nothing shallow little light..." Maybe consider a different line break instead of the one you used. One suggestion is "you basking and bathing in your good for nothing shallow little light." or maybe a more standard, "you basking and bathing in your good for nothing shallow little light" it just seemed to me that having "you basking" on its own added nothing to the flow nor the meaning. Basking seemed less important that good for nothing or shallow little light. Also, in my opinion, I didn't think the "..."s worked for the last line. I thought the poem was a little too short and felt myself wanting to hear more, more descrips, more story. Minimal can be good but I find when describing such angry emotions that it usually doesn't work. From the little bit of min. things I've read, they seemed to be more successful with it when describing inanimate objects or nature. Anyways, think if you expanded a bit more it would help. Nonetheless, your sense of anger and bitterness does come through in this poem and that is a success in itself. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello I can see where Trevor is coming from concerning the miserable/delightful bit, but I think it could work if you replaced the ‘it’s’ with ‘or’ on the fifth line. I enjoyed this piece and if really forced I’d have to admit that I would never have even noticed the possible contradiction if Trevor hadn’t mentioned it. I think that sort of proves my inability as a worthwhile critic and casts doubts on my advice but I’ve said it now so it’ll have to stand. About the length of the poem, I liked it as it is, it got over the anger and the clever use of the life/light metaphor in about the right number of words and lines, not that expanding wouldn’t produce an equally good poem, it’s just that as you have a good one to start with why risk it all on filling it out? I better inform you that these are only my opinions, if they happen to be any good it will be more by luck than by judgment on my part. I just thought I’d let you know what my opinion was. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig  Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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