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If I could retrieve the arrow of love...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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If I could retrieve the arrow of love... |
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The Exile Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52Ontario, Canada 
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If I could turn back the arrow of time, I would hold you tightly in my arms. And never again let your heart fly, Or loosen my arms and let go your captivating charm. If my selfish love to you is a crime, I’d rather forfeit my life and everything else, Than to let my heart bleed and cry. Besides your eyes, and your smiles - think I of what else? Once again Time has charged its price, On two lovers - who had to reluctantly part. But tomorrow, the sun will also rise, Smiling more radiantly, onto the boat of love sailing far! If I could retrieve, and guide myself, that sweet of love: Can I hold you hand, and fly with you to the stars above? [This message has been edited by The Exile (edited 08-14-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Alex D. Ni - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Exile, It appears that you were attempting a sonnet here. That is probably my favorite form so I encourage everyone to try them. This one does have some problems though. It seems to be pretty widely accepted that sonnets fall into pretty specific forms and those forms should be closely followed if you want to write one. First, there are 14 lines. You are good there. In the Shakespearean sonnet, which this appears to be, there are 3 quatrains, followed by a couplet. Again, you are good. The rhyme scheme is: abab-cdcd-efef-gg which you have come close to. Most of your rhymes, however, are merely near-rhymes. Ordinarily that is not acceptable in a sonnet although it is in many other styles. For example, in the first quatrain, your rhymes are time/fly and arms/charm. The arms/charm may be all right if done rarely but time/fly just won't work. The other quatrains all have similar problems although the couplet is fine. Also, in the second quatrain, you rhyme else/else. Again, I don't think that should be done. Find another word rather than use the same one twice. Another important matter is the meter. A sonnet is generally expected to be iambic pentameter. Yours is decidedly not. Of course, all these "rules" can be broken but before one breaks the rules, he should learn to work within the rules. After you have written several sonnets which are "correct", then you might consider bending things just a little. Such "bendings", however, need to be supportable. In other words, one can't just write anything in any manner. Deviations from the accepted standard must be for a reason and that reason must make sense to the reader. One final comment on the content, one usually expects to find a turn at the ninth line. Sometimes it occurs at the closing couplet. With a little effort, I can find a turn in yours but it would be more effective, I think, if it were a little stronger. Of course, this is all just one opinion. I hope it helps. Keep on working on sonnets. I think you will find them satisfying. Thanks, Pete |
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