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and tomorrow
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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and tomorrow |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Once to be lovers, then to be friends, never really comes. For who wants to share a bed then stoop, to being chums. Not you, nor I, not any mortal man. So lets lust the night away, and tomorrow, salvage what we can. But what of tomorrow, will it ever pass. For who amongst us is bold enough to grasp, and hold, these hearts of glass. Not you, nor I, not any mortal man. So lets talk the night away, and tomorrow, cherish what we have. -and tomorrow- tom |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tom Walborn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wonderous Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 75 |
fantastic is so apt for my situation i feel like i could ve written it although i dont write as well as you do |
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LittleBoyLost Junior Member
since 2000-03-14
Posts 28 |
I thought this was very good. I think "lets" should be "let's" in the fourth line. I know what it's like to be pulled in those two directions and you did a good job of bringing those feelings back. I'm afraid I'm new to poetry so I can't offer much more. Thank you. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tom: Welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis. I want to let you know that any criticism I offer is intended to be constructive and I in no way intend any of my comments to be understood as personal. That said, I thought that this was good work. "Once to be lovers, then to be friends, never really comes. For who wants to share a bed then stoop, to being chums." The only thing I didn't like about these lines was "chums". Also the comma after "stoop" is unnecessary. "Not you, nor I, not any mortal man. So lets lust the night away, and tomorrow, salvage what we can." I think you would be better off leaving out "mortal". The combo "mortal man" sounds too formal for this poem. Small typo with "lets" should be "let's". "But what of tomorrow, will it ever pass. For who amongst us is bold enough to grasp, and hold, these hearts of glass." I liked these lines and think they had the best flow of all the rest in your poem. The commas after "grasp" and "hold" are not necessary. "Not you, nor I, not any mortal man. So lets talk the night away, and tomorrow, cherish what we have." Again "mortal" and "lets". I like what you've done here, showing the tug-of-war that goes on in these situations. You've communicated your feelings very well, I think, and your poem only seems to need some very minor polishing. I look forward to reading more of your work in the near future. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Tom, A little late though I am, let me add my "Welcome to Passions and the CA." I hope you will find this an interesting place; I certainly have. I like your poem. It very aptly relates a situation many, or probably most, of us have experienced at some time. I liked your rhyme scheme including the half rhymes you added at times. Your choice of words was interesting, pulling the whole thing together quite well. I do agree with Jim on chums and mortal man. Also, as usual, he is spot on on the punctuation. But it's easy for me to point these things out after following him. Finally, in line 9, I would change amongst to among. That archaic word just doesn't fit with the rest of your wording or the modern message. Thanks for the read. Hope to see more soon. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
To all Thank you for the time you took to respond to my poem. I use poor grammar and punctuation like a alcoholic uses cheep wine, often. The commas were ment as speed bumps to slow you down, but not nessecery.As for mortal man,I wanted every one, male and female,to feel this could apply to them.I can't think of anything else that would fit? I'll keep workin on it. Once again thanks! Tom |
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