Moonlight Danse Macabre (repost from OP#5)

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Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2000-03-09 10:27 PM

In the moonlight, shadows dancing,
As her form moves into view.
Upon this cliff, she stands enchanted,
With the view of rocks below.

As the sea boils up in anger,
Tossing waves upon the shore.
A single tear drops falls in sorrow,
To the depth of horrors throws.

Her tears are done and she's left empty,
Whilest wind whips through her hair.
A single rose cluched in her fingers,
Salted by the halted stream.

Fingers grip the very petals,
That once were the sign of love.
Falling softly now are rested,
On the rocks which were his doom.

Ever now she carries onward,
Hollowed from that fateful eve.
Silent now the screams of terror,
Dancing on that moon lit grave.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-03-10 10:28 AM

Marilyn:

I thought this one was very well done.  I'm glad you decided not to rhyme this one.  I think a lyrical format works well with you subject.

"In the moonlight, shadows dancing,
As her form moves into view.
Upon this cliff, she stands enchanted,
With the view of rocks below."

I scan your first line as: "IN the MOON-light SHAD-ows DANC-ing".  The line is trochaic.  Trochaic meter tends to do two thinks: (1) speed the reading of the line and (2) read more forcefully than iambic lines.  An example from Blake: "Tyger, Tyger burning bright / In the forest of the night".  Blake's poem wouldn't have sounded nearly as forceful if written as "The Tyger, Tyger, burning bright".  The reason I am mentioning this is because I don't think you are trying for either speed or forcefulness with your first stanza.  The next stanza with the tossing waves, yes, but it seems to me that you want to set a more dour mood in the beginning.  I would suggest:

"The shadows dancing in the moonlight
As her form moves into view ..."

Just a suggestion.

"As the sea boils up in anger,
Tossing waves upon the shore.
A single tear drops falls in sorrow,
To the depth of horrors throws."

I think the some of wording here could be strengthened.  I'd like to be shown what a sea that "boils up" in anger looks like.  "Tossing" doesn't seem as angry as "Slamming" or "Pounding".  I've read your poem a couple of times and I am wondering if you intended a double meaning with "throws" or if you meant "throes".  Just curious.

"Her tears are done and she's left empty,
Whilest wind whips through her hair.
A single rose cluched in her fingers,
Salted by the halted stream."

I liked these lines.  I'm not a great fan of archaic language in a poem if it is not used consistently throughout so I would change "Whilest" to "While".  I don't think this alters the mood or sound of the poem very much,

"Fingers grip the very petals,
That once were the sign of love.
Falling softly now are rested,
On the rocks which were his doom."

The first three lines here are very good but the last line seemed to end a bit flat.  In the line, your most important words are "rocks", "his" and "doom" but the rest are "On", "the", "which", and "were".  The later grouping does little to describe these "rocks of doom".  How would you characterize these "rocks of doom"?  Were they ominous? Mocking? Does she hate the rocks?  I think you could expand a little on the "rocks of doom" idea.

"Ever now she carries onward,
Hollowed from that fateful eve.
Silent now the screams of terror,
Dancing on that moon lit grave."

This is a strong conclusion but I think it would be made stronger by strengthening the prior stanza.  Over all I would say this is a strong and moving piece that has the potential of being much stronger with a few small tweaks.

Thanks for posting.

Jim

Sassy
New Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 5

2 posted 2000-03-10 11:02 AM

I hope you don't mind comments from someone so "wet behind the ears".

I loved this poem.
I felt her pain and sorrow.
You did a wonderful job creating the mood and the strong emotion.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2000-03-11 09:34 AM

Jim...Thanks for looking at this for me.

This poem was written for a challange. I was supposed to use the first line in a poem. The entire thing evolved around the power of that line. I would hate to change it because it was the inspiration for the whole piece.

As for thows in the second stanza, yes it was ment to have a double meaning there. I knew a detail man like you wouldn't miss that..lol. I would have to say you are right about the strength of Tossing. I will consider your suggestions.

Whilest....I am not sure exactly why I used this tern. It just came out that way, felt right. I know how you think..lol... it is no reason to use it.

On the rocks which were his is doom.....in this line I was trying to introduce the reason for her sorrow. Her love had fallen to his death there. If you have any suggestions on how to strengthen that line and introduce the reason for her sorrow, I would appreciate the help.

Sassy.....A comment from a newbie, oldbie or anyone is appreciated. Thanks for reading this piece.

I do not post often in this form because I am not totally comfortable with my technical skill yet.

I know this is a place to improve but time is not always on my side. I would hate to get some great feed back and not be able to use it constructively. *sigh*. (always my critiquing skills are not strong. Form is not my strong point. I see a poem as flowing (meter escapes me) and I do not often count syllables..lol)

Diana B
Member

since 2000-03-10

Posts 97

4 posted 2000-03-11 01:05 PM

oh lordy i am in over my head...i know not the forms and techniques to critique, just from my heartlet me say...i loved this work...beautiful!

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

5 posted 2000-10-11 03:31 PM

Marilyn

This poem i much preferred. Jim has covered most of the bases, but i think where this gains over your other piece is in the way in which you relate a discernible story or message. In this poem i can “see” the girl standing on the cliff top clutching the rose and the tears pouring. There is a clear image and with relative economy of words you succeed in giving us a reason for her being there and the feeling and subsequent life which flows from that terrible event.

Nice writing Marilyn, I’m sorry i missed this first time round, must have been one of my quiet periods......lol

Thanks

philip

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