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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Games |
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Sassy New Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 5 |
Is this a game you like to play? You steal my heart, then run away. My feelings are not toys you know, For you to yank on to-and-fro. I cannot take much more you see, So stop the games or let me be. Am I a fool and in denial? Perhaps my pain just makes you smile. I put my trust in you too fast, I took a chance despite my past. I tell myself, " No, not again." This is a game I'll never win. Do you care for me at all? Are you hiding, still behind your wall? I want your love - you hold it in. Can you swallow pride - try love again? My wish is just to be with you. If you don't feel the same there's nothing I can do. I did a little tweaking thanks to the great feedback I received. I'm not quite finished... [This message has been edited by Sassy (edited 03-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sassy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello welcome. I read your poem and enjoyed a lot of the honesty in it. The rhyme was great. Just one suggestion, try and keep the line lengths and syllables the same for each line. I am not very good at structured poetry. Some of the other poets in here are far better and will probably, no for sure, be able to give you more constructive critisism. |
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Sassy New Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 5 |
Thank you Tony for replying. It has been years since I wrote any poetry. I used to write songs...therefore I tend to be stuck on the more structured formats. Sometimes I'm more focused on purging my pain than respecting the proper forms of poetry. I just thought I'd take a shot at it, and see what other people thought. I changed one of the lines from "Are you scared to come out from behind your wall?" to "Are you hiding still, behind your wall?". It will still be a work in progress. I really enjoyed your poem about "The Prophet". Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply. [This message has been edited by Sassy (edited 03-09-2000).] |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Welocme to Passions Sassy. You took quite a leap to post in CA right off the bat...lol. We have these wonderful men that moderate this forum who seem to like tearing my ego to shreds...lol. It is not often that I stick my head in here. It is a great learning experience but I fear it greatly.  I enjoyed this poem but began to stumble when you changed the line meter. the flow of the poem was broken and you tend to lose a reader when that happens. I am not much of a critiquer and I am sure you will get lots of helpful hints from our resident poets. Just thought I would say hello and thanks for posting. |
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Sassy New Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 5 |
Thank you so much for replying Marilyn. I agree it was a little gutsy for me to post right in to CA. I did want some serious critiquing, though. It has been a lot of years since I did any writing, so I needed a kick in the butt to get my brain in gear. I shall continue to tweak this poem. Nice to "meet" you. Thanks for your comments. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Sassy, And I'd like to add my "welcome to Passions." It's good to see new faces in here. I like your poem, actually I think I like the closed couplet format anyway. I don't have a lot to add but I agree with Tony and Marilyn about the meter thing. I don't think you necessarily have to have all lines with the same number of feet, but I think at least both lines of each couplet should have. I definately would make the stanzas longer; two lines each is just distracting. Also, I would work on the punctuation a little, particularly the commas. Finally, I propose some wording changes to make the meter a little smoother. I don't propose this as a final version but one possible arrangement might be: Is this a game you like to play? You steal my heart then run away. My feelings are not toys, you know, For you to yank on to-and-fro, I cannot take much more you see, So stop the games and let me be. Am I a fool and in denial? Perhaps my hurt will make you smile, I put my trust in you too fast, And took a chance depite my past, So now I'm saying, "Not again", This is a game I'll never win. Do you feel this thing at all? Or are you hiding behind your wall? I can't love if you won't let me in, Can you swallow pride -- try love again? All I want is just to be with you, If you don't care there's nothing I can do. You'll notice I have removed several commas which I thought were not really necessary and maybe even broke up the flow a little. Also, I changed some of the periods to commas. Technically, a period was the grammatically correct punctuation but I felt like a full stop at those points was not desirable. I think poets can get by with that. Sorry about changing your wording so much, particularly in the last stanza. Like I said, I don't propose this a s final revision, but just as a quickly composed example for your review. A couple of the original lines seemed a little forced, possibly to maintain the rhyme. They still are in my suggestion. The last stanza is still a little rough. But these are my suggestions. Of course, this is just one humble, uneducated and unqualified opinion so don't feel obligated to give it more credability than it deserves.  You have an excellent start here. Keep up the good work. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Sassy New Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 5 |
Hi Not A Poet. Thank you very much for your suggestions. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. It's wonderful to get feedback from more seasoned veterans such as yourself. I agree, the flow is too choppy, and I shall work on it. I'm eager to refine my skills...it's been years since I did any writing. I'm grateful that this forum is here, the feedback is just the incentive I needed. I'm looking forward to the creative challenge. Again thank you. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Sassy, Let join in welcoming you to Critical Analysis. I hope you are enjoying yourself so far. I read your original version and I have to say that I like the format update you used. I think it allows the poem to flow a bit more easily. "Is this a game you like to play? You steal my heart, then run away. My feelings are not toys you know, For you to yank on to-and-fro. I cannot take much more you see, So stop the games or let me be." I feel that the game of love analogy has been done a lot so its kinda tough to come off as completely original when tackling it, especially in rhyming verses. I thought the third and fourth lines were the strong part of this stanza. The first two lines came off as cliched in my opinion. "Am I a fool and in denial? Perhaps my pain just makes you smile. I put my trust in you too fast, I took a chance despite my past. I tell myself, " No, not again." This is a game I'll never win." I liked the first two lines, good and solid and the rest of the stanza is good in context though I thought the wording was a little flat. Perhaps consider expanding on "despite my past" and give the reader a little more meat. "Do you care for me at all? Are you hiding, still behind your wall? I want your love - you hold it in. Can you swallow pride - try love again? My wish is just to be with you. If you don't feel the same there's nothing I can do." The meter seemed off in a lot of this stanza especially the last line and it kinda of seemed forced in there....perhaps even too light of an ending. Consider rewriting the last two lines. Anyways, I found it lacking a bit in descripitions and a little forced in places (which kinda made it a little cliched and light at times) but there were some strong parts to it as well. Just my opinion. Anyways I hope you will continue to post here at CA, I'd love to read more of your work in the future. If you have the time, perhaps check out other member's poetry and comment on them....we are all hams here Thanks again and take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You know, I'm getting a little tired of all this slander running around here. We are the nicest bunch of guys and gals that you're ever going to meet. We will never malign anyone personally. We just have the unique ability (I suppose you could call us conceited) to see the true potential in each and every poet and have the hubris to want to see that come to fruition. Okay, we just like doing this. Trevor touched on what I'm going to say here. You don't give us enough of the actual situation for this to really 'work' in my opinion. You've got to show us what actually happened rather than simply complain about it. We want to read about your 'past'. Actually, I suppose this could be read as a poem that you want people to 'relate to' and there's nothing wrong with that. I just think that a poem should offer some insight into something that I haven't considered before. This doesn't mean it has to be intellectual, it just means I want to hear the whole story (and this will usually create a more complex tale). In other words, I want a poem that will 'expand' my mind and my own experience however slightly. Of course this is an arbitrary distinction; you can't really expand someone's life without to some extent having the reader relate to the story but I hope you see what I'm trying to get at. A few years back I remember hearing an interview from the band 'Loverboy' complaining about the songs of still another band 'Night Ranger'. You see, 'Night Ranger' was actually using women's names in their songs and titles and the 'Loverboy' group thought that this was a poor marketing strategy. If you stick with 'you' than all the women (I actually pictured little girls) will 'really' be thinking that you are singing about them. Ahhh, the genius of mediocre rock and roll bands. Needless to say, I think we should move in the opposite direction and damn marketing strategy (which doesn't seem to have worked for Loverboy for very long anyway). Thanks, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"We have these wonderful men that moderate this forum ..." Marilyn, we've never met (so "Hi"), but you and I need a serious talk about what you can and can't write in this forum... .. you do realise that you've just undone 3 months of carefully crafted ego-bashing? .. You know, I almost had them behaving like normal human beings ..... arggggggg .. NOWWW look what you've done ~sob~ ... ... post a retraction pleeeeeeeeease LOL Nice to meet you btw ... And Sassy, how can I possibly follow THEM!? all has been said I think .. I'll look for your next Philip |
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