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Critical Analysis #1
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A woman for a few seconds
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A woman for a few seconds |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
She’s a real poet I mean an artist Jumping around the stage Acting out the words The language she uses Is like sparkling wine It hops, cracks Tickles your mind Dancing Always Too afraid to touch down Her words are fragile Too delicate to survive Without being thrown Into the air She paints too All sorts Styles Themes Landscapes Stills I’ve only seen a couple They have nice texture Smooth Open strokes That invite But never for too long Her smile is uncharacteristic It fools her body into thinking she’s a kid Even though she’s 30 Her teeth and skin around her mouth’s edges Ignite her childhood As hard as she tries to hide it Its always near the surface So she doesn’t smile too often Afraid of revealing What she thinks is a simplicity That might be considered simple She isn’t really sexy A bit nervous for that She’s kind of untrustworthy Skeptical of men She spends a lot of energy Protecting Her childhood From adults Making sure they don’t get too close Too near To despoil her personal garden She tends out of habit For herself Occasionally with a smile You can see it Her garden Of innocence That is being overgrown By indepedence And womanhood Yet she refuses To lose Any of it Her innocence Its like a jewel for her Something to polish Only for her own appreciation And sanity One day while painting a still A round fresh red bike I looked down her top As she leaned into the canvas (Cheap thrill. Maybe. Maybe not) And was surprised at how much she was A woman A beautiful enlarged ring Rippled around her nipple Like the circumference Of sand To an island And for those seconds Her “poet” was gone The dancing words had landed She wasn’t running from anything Anymore Until she moved upwards Back into the “poet” Unsure Uncertain again Dancing Trying to avoid capture She asked for an opinion Expectantly Guarding the woman As much as the child So she wouldn’t be considered Too old Right then I smiled And told her the painting was Great It was She’s a painter Of course it was She smiled nervously Her eyes dashed back and forth From the painting to my face And I waited Hoping the woman would re-appear But she had covered it up She told me with her smile Quietly Insisting she wasn’t what I thought I had seen If I had seen a woman She would say she was a child Or if I saw a child It would be a woman She wanted to keep them apart Away from knowing the other So I obliged And played down to her confusion Pretending she was what she wanted to be But I knew what I had seen It was a woman’s breast Nicely shaped And I was glad If only for a second I was able to see how real She could be Even if she was afraid To believe it < !signature--> quote: [This message has been edited by patchoulipumpkin (edited 03-06-2000).] |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Patch: I really liked this poem. The only quibble is the second line. Out of all the lines in the poem, to me, this is the only awkward one. And I'm not the best at giving advice on how to change things-only that it seemed out of sync. (to me) Maybe say "artist" instead of poet? Everything else flows beautifully with excellent observations and a keen eye for observing the human spirit. Well done! best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-06-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Patch I thought you very nicely caught and held the idea of a girl/woman deliberately unsure of who she is or what she wants to be. There was also some lovely imagery eg: "The language she uses Is like sparkling wine It hops, cracks Tickles your mind Dancing Always Too afraid to touch down Her words are fragile Too delicate to survive Without being thrown Into the air" Read through once the poem appears to be riddled with contradictions which I gradually came to realise was exactly what you intended. For me a key part was: "And for those seconds Her “poet” was gone The dancing words had landed She wasn’t running from anything Anymore Until she moved upwards Back into the “poet” Unsure Uncertain again Dancing Trying to avoid capture" I guess this passage encapsulates most of what the piece is about. In the first part the speaker is aware (and maybe she is aware that he is aware) of the physical reality of the person in front of him. The breast and the graphic detail of the nipple give something to cling onto to (if you'll forgive me..lol). For just a moment "the poet" the dancing uncertainty has gone and stark facts intrude. "The dancing words had landed" I liked, although maybe a little close to "the Eagle has landed" .lol. In the second part of the passage the "barrier" of her art and her "deliberate uncertainty" clamps down again. She is afraid of who she is and denies both the girlhood and the woman hood in turns to avoid being pinned down. Just one small point. You use the word: "untrustworthy" .. this grates badly in my mind with the picture you have portrayed of this lady. Untrustworthy means that the subject person is not worthy of trust. Possibly I think you meant to say "untrusting"? ie the lady is untrusting of others and skeptical of men ..... like me ........lol  Great poem Thanks Philip |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Patch this is a great work... Her smile is uncharacteristic It fools her body into thinking she’s a kid Even though she’s 30 Her teeth and skin around her mouth’s edges Ignite her childhood that's great imagery.. but I thought everything between... She wasn’t running from anything Anymore and I was glad If only for a second I was able to see how real She could be Even if she was afraid To believe it was superfluous to the story... imho |
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Earthtones Junior Member
since 2000-01-18
Posts 10 |
Wonderful Patch. You've painted a type of drama before my eyes. In reading your poem I watch through your eyes a scene painted by the voyeur of a soul. One who looks on with a wise and curious but mystified expression One who looks at innocence from afar and marvells at the curiousities that acompany it. Of course that's just my opinion. Nice job man. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Patch: You demonstrate your strength once again in developing a story well around an unusual subject (a woman's breast!). Your story read smoothly to me and your "cheap thrill" glance caused me some guilty amusement (yeah ... been there). Oh well, I suppose since everyone here already knows my shameless attraction to "cars" I may as well say that this little surprise you tucked into your poem is probably going to be a big (lol ... can't escape my depraved mind) reason I don't forget this one anytime soon.  Excellent job portraying the self-consciousness of this woman and in weaving a very memorable tail. Just be careful about implying that being "30" is old or I might not be so kind in my next critique. Thanks for the good read.Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 03-14-2000).] |
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