»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Static Clouds
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Static Clouds |
|
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Static Clouds by Kirk T Walker Static clouds, lazy and ominous, hang in unbudging white form, Painted a perfect fluffy white with grey bellies, As if someone forgot to wind the world Or took another Sunday. I listen nervously for my own pulse, Hear at first only that familiar Victorian echo. Am I still wound, Driven by that same force? Will the clouds slowly drift apart and away As the world from a painted Eden? Is there something in the pale blue and unsuspicious sky To water down the clouds? This certain Slant of light has driven my world to a dull doldrum. It snowed just this morning. Were the frozen drops His tear’s grown tired and cold? Already the heat of the ground has melted them away To puddles and wetness like dew. Infinite white cattle graze on the other side of a barbwire fence, On dead grass, beneath leafless trees That never seemed more hopeless, hurting, and infinite. Beneath the static clouds, The same old decaying house With broken windows and rotting doors, And the same brown owl that lives in the attic Take new meaning. For what evolution can there be for clouds, except to storms? |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
This is good, good, good. My suggestions (mostly for removing words, as in brackets) stem from my own desire to concentrate as much as possible. If that's not one of your aims, ignore this. Static clouds, lazy and ominous, hang in unbudging white [form], Painted a perfect fluffy white with grey bellies, As if someone forgot to wind the world Or took another Sunday. {These two lines are absolutely precious.} I listen [nervously] for my own pulse, Hear [at first] only that familiar Victorian echo. Am I still wound, Driven by that same force? Will the clouds slowly drift apart [and away] As the world from a painted Eden? Is there something in the pale blue [and] unsuspicious sky To water down the clouds? This certain Slant of light has driven my world to a [dull] doldrum. Enough, or more than. Also you have repetitions of "static clouds," "infinite," "painted," which I thought could find other words. But to return to the start, I thought this good and good and good. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Ted: Thank you for your comments. I was aware of the repetition and have debated with myself as to whether or not I should change the words. I was attempting to add emphasis on these ideas by repeating the exact words, but I also think that using synonymous language could have the same effect--I will play with it. I agree with most of the suggested cuts of unnecessary language. Your suggestions will be very helpful when I revise. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: Excuse my tardiness, please. I am soooo far behind. "Static clouds, lazy and ominous, hang in unbudging white form, Painted a perfect fluffy white with grey bellies," I thought that you might be able to combine these lines. You mention "white" twice and I think you may be able to use its first mention as a transition that draws more attention to the grey bellies (I think the grey bellies are, in large part, what makes the clouds appear ominous). "As if someone forgot to wind the world Or took another Sunday. I listen nervously for my own pulse, Hear at first only that familiar Victorian echo." These are great lines, Kirk. I assume that the "familiar Victorian echo" refers to the question that follows and alludes (slightly) to deism. "Am I still wound, Driven by that same force? Will the clouds slowly drift apart and away As the world from a painted Eden?" Very good wording here. "Is there something in the pale blue and unsuspicious sky To water down the clouds? This certain Slant of light has driven my world to a dull doldrum." I'm curious as to why you capitalized "Slant". I think I know why but I'm going to remain silent on this one in fear of being wrong (still recovering from being soooo wrong in Philip's recent post).  Liked "dull doldrum.""It snowed just this morning. Were the frozen drops His tear’s grown tired and cold? Already the heat of the ground has melted them away To puddles and wetness like dew." There is quite a bit of depth in these contemplative lines. Capitalized "His" leads me to believe you are talking about God. "Infinite white cattle graze on the other side of a barbwire fence, On dead grass, beneath leafless trees That never seemed more hopeless, hurting, and infinite." What a great description of clouds in the distance. Reminds me of the winters I spent in North Dakota, actually. Endless brown farmland where you can see the clouds meet the ground in the distance. Strong imagery here. "Beneath the static clouds, The same old decaying house With broken windows and rotting doors, And the same brown owl that lives in the attic Take new meaning." You lost me a little bit with the mention of the house's "new meaning". Perhaps this is a reminder that time does move on (and pass some by). I'm curious to hear you explanation. "For what evolution can there be for clouds, except to storms?" Sounds almost prophetic as if the static clouds foretell something far worse coming soon. I really liked this ending. I thought you worded it very well and drove your message home (provided I didn't miss the message as badly as I did in Philip's poem ... lol ... see how self-conscious he made me?). Good, quality stuff here, Kirk. Sorry again for being so late. Jim |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Jim, Thanks for the response and all the comments. "Slant" is capitalized because the phrase "certain Slant of light" is from a poem by Emily Dickinson. "His" was capitalized to refer to God. The grey bellies really were meant to be more descriptive than to add to the "ominous" quality, what is ominous is the fact that they are "static"--not moving at all (or atleast it was my intention). I had actually given up on getting any more comments on this poem and have revised already, I dropped one "white" (and made some other changes)and I did leave "dull doldrum". As for the house: I wrote this while driving home. There were infinite white cattle. There were static clouds. There also was a old falling-apart house, so I included it (I called it "new meaning" because I had never thought of it symbolically before, but at that moment it took on a new meaning parallel to the meaning of the static clouds.) The brown owl is a symbol for death, but also in my poetry for supernatural things in general and often God. In the poem the decaying and deserted house is symbolic of the world, while the owl (God) sits in the attic and does nothing. I may change it from "lives in" to "perches in" to imply a lack of action but to show that he is still there and maybe watching (want to leave this ambiguous for the purpose of the poem.) |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
