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Critical Analysis #1
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bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California

0 posted 2000-03-04 08:11 PM


If You Let Him In
by bboog

His perfect love is nothing like a sonnet.
It doesn’t follow meter, structure,rhyme.
It has no boundry, space, or borders - yet
His love is greater than the end of time.
So why would he love somebody like me?
Someone who harbors hatred, fear and lust?
Why take his time? Why in the world would he?
Or, perhaps I'm only dreaming? Well just
As others talk of people that they know
I'll tell you my experience with him:
He gives me comfort in my times of sorrow
He inspires me. He's become my friend.
His love is a kite that can soar and glide
One tug will lift up your spirit inside.



[This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-06-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-03-04 09:30 PM


Hey bboog:

It's good to see you back.  Sonnet means little song but I think it is appropriate, in this case, to call your sonnet a little psalm.  I enjoyed this.  I suspect that if this is "(an attempt at a sonnet)" then it is one of your first and if this is one of your first then I have to tell you that you've got me beat.  I woke up in the emergency room with a mild concussion after Brad critiqued my first sonnet.    While I've been known to stir up trouble from time to time (this prose vs. poetry thing keeps coming up) I'm much gentler than The Ogre (again,   ).  So, let's take a look at your little gem.

"His pure love is nothing like a sonnet."

This is a good, strong opener, especially considering the content of your piece.  I scan this line as: "his / PURE LOVE / is NOTH- / -ing LIKE / a SON- / net".  The lower case indicates non-accented syllables and the upper case accented.  I know what you were trying to do here (keep the syllable count at 10 syllables in iambic pentameter).  This is difficult when your end word is "SON-net".  What many sonnet writers do in this case is consider "-net" a feminine ending, allowing for an 11th syllable in the line.  In other words, the 11th syllable (in this case, "-net") is considered an extra syllable and is not counted as part of the iambic line.  This allows the iambic pentameter to be preserved.  I would suggest: "His perfect love is nothing like a sonnet."  I hope I haven't confused you.

"It doesn’t follow meter, structure-rhyme.
It knows no bounds, no space, or borders - yet"

These lines are technically solid.  I'm not sure why you hyphenated "structure-rhyme" since the "structure" and "rhyme" are distinct in a sonnet.  Maybe a comma instead?

"His love is greater than the end of time."

I thought this line was fine as well but I was not sure how well it followed "yet" in the previous line.  It seems to me that "and" would be the more fitting conjunction.  Just my opinion.

"Why would he want to love someone like me?
Someone who harbors hatred, fear and lust?
Why take his time? Why in the world does he?"

These are my favorite three lines in the sonnet.  The meter in the first two is perfect and in the third line "DOES he" is trochaic (DUM-da) rather than iambic (da-DUM) but I'm okay with that here because the "sound" has the right effect on me.  Many would ask, "How dare you judge me!"  It's actually refreshing to read that tonight.

"Perhaps he lacks street-smarts? Savvy? Well just"

I'm not sure how I feel about "streat-smarts". It throws your meter off a bit and I'm not sure I quite follow your meaning.  As a fellow city-boy, I understand "street-smarts" to be kinda like instinct (you know when a car is coming without looking because you can hear the sound its tires make on the street, you feel a little uncomfortable if someone is walking too close behind you, you know what I mean).  I'm not saying that I don't like it, I'm saying that I'm not sure how you are applying it to God.

"As others talk of people that they know"

This line is solid.

"I can only tell you my times with him.
He gives me comfort in times of sorrow.
He inspires me. He became my friend.
His love is a kite that can soar and glide
And it can tug at a string that’s inside."

What makes the sonnet so challenging to write is the cage you are forced to write it in.  The meter, rhyme and syllable count are hard enough but then some ancient guy said you had to say it all in 14 lines, no more, no less.  I am guessing that these last five lines comprised exactly what you wanted to say but the sonnet format just drove you nuts (I've been there).  I have no problems with the content, btw.  Again, I find the personal nature of them and their sincerity refreshing.  So lets take a closer look.

"I can / ON-ly / TELL you / my TIMES / with HIM."

Only the last two feet in this line are iambic.  Perhaps with a little tweaking: "i'll TELL / you OF / the TIMES / i've SPENT / with HIM"

"he GIVES / me COM- / -fort in / TIMES of / SOR-row."

Same comments about the feminine ending above.  Perhaps: "he GIVES / me COM- / -fort IN / my TIMES / of SOR- / -row".  "-row" being the feminine, or 11th, syllable.  I think this would fix your meter in this line and stay within the "rules" of writing verse.

"HE / in-SPIRES / me.  HE / be-CAME / my  FRIEND."

The only problem I found here is that you were a syllable short.  "And" at the beginning for fix this.  I think "He's become my friend" is more personal sounding but that is only my opinion.

"his LOVE / is a KITE / that can SOAR / and GLIDE
and it / can TUG / at a string / that’s in-SIDE."

I personally don't mind the anapests (da-da-DUM) in your concluding couplet.  It gives the ending a lilting effect that sounds almost musical (one of the reasons why I mentioned calling this a "little psalm" would be appropriate).

So this is what my suggestions do to your last five lines:

"I'll tell you of the times I've spent with him:
He gives me comfort in my times of sorrow
And He inspires me.  He's become my friend.
His love is a kite that can soar and glide
And it can tug at a string that’s inside."

Just suggestions, of course.  You've done a good job with this.  I look forward to reading you next one (hint-hint) soon.

Jim



bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
2 posted 2000-03-05 04:29 PM


Jim: thank you for your careful analysis. I have edited the poem to include most of the revisions you suggested. I think it's helped.
Thanks again,
bboog

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2000-03-06 11:00 AM


Hello again bboog,

Well I see Jim has thoroughly sliced and diced your sonnet and I don't think I can add anything technically. So I will be content to just compliment you on an excellent job. As Jim hinted, it takes more words and lines to write the "rules" for a sonnet than to just write one of the blessed things.

Well, changed my mind, maybe I will do a little "technical" stuff, after all, you did introduce this a "an attempt at a sonnet", so I suspect you wanted suggestions. So here goes, for what it's worth. I didn't see this before you made you changes so will comment on how it reads it its current state.

1) Your message is beautiful,as Jim said, almost a psalm.
2) For the most part, your meter is pretty solid. I have a small problem in line 7. It tries to read as iambic but that forces a stress on "in" which normally would not be stressed in this context, thus.

   Why TAKE | his TIME? | Why IN | the WORLD | would HE?

Then the last 3 lines, although I have reread them several times, still won't come out right for me. The following is how they keep sounding:

   HE ins- | PIRES me. | HE'S be- | COME my | FRIEND.

A trochaic line that might be all right but also might be fixed by simply adding "And" in front, without changing the meaning. This may be a little uncomfortable stressing "He" in the first foot of the line whereas "He" is unstressed in the preceeding line, but it doesn't bother me that much.

His LOVE |is a KITE | that can SOAR | and GLIDE
And IT | can LIFT | up your SPIR- | it in-SIDE.

As Jim said, there are at least some anapestic feet in both lines. Now it's true that there are 10 syllables in each and that you might move the foot divisions around somewhat from where I have put them. And I also agree with Jim that an occasional anapest foot is acceptable. But no matter how I try, I still find just 4 feet in both these lines. I would like to see you add a foot to each of these, even keeping the extra syllables. Personally (and I know I will catch a bunch of flack over this) I rather enjoy a sonnet in which some lines have a different number of feet. But in the couplet, as the most important part of a sonnet, if it is to be different, I think it should be longer rather than shorter.

Well, of course, all this is just one untrained and uncultured opinion so take it for what it's worth.

Oops, with all that BS above, I forgot point number 3 and had to come back to edit it in.  

3) Relates to your feminine endings. I really like these things and use them in most, or at least many, of my sonnets. However, it is usually more desirable to use them in pairs. In lines 1 and 3 you rhyme SON-net with YET where uppercase indicates stress. I don't know how you might fix this particular one, sonnet is a difficult word to rhyme without seeming forced. But I can give and example which, of course, doesn't fit this poem. I once rhymed SON-nets with PO-ets effectively although it seems I did get one negative remark about that seeming forced. What the hell, you can't please everyone. Then in lines 9 and 11, you rhyme KNOW with SOR-row. A much better rhyme for SOR-row would be to-MOR-row, for example although, again, it surely doesn't fit this poem. But do you see what I mean about pairing and balancing feminine endings?

All-in-all, a very nice sonnet and, if it is a first or early attempt, an excellent start. Thanks for writing this and for letting me write a rather long and quite dull response.
< !signature-->

 Pete

     What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
     sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
     for the mere enunciation of my theme?
          Edgar Allan Poe




[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-06-2000).]

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
4 posted 2000-03-06 11:09 AM


bboog & Pete:

Actually, Pete, I've read some who consider an anapestic foot to be a reasonable substitution for an iambic foot.  So you won't be getting any flack from me (I must be getting soft in my early-middle age or something).  So an extra iambic foot in the lines with anapests, I guess, would be okay, but since bboog is just beginning to venture into sonnet writing, I would suggest he focus on trying to strengthen his skills in writing in iambic pentameter before trying to utilize the "conventional variations" in his verse.  

I wonder where Jenni is?  She's probably say, "As long as it sounds better that way, so what?"  Where are you Jenni?

Jim

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-03-06 11:17 AM


Hi Jim,

Looks like you jumped in while I was adding to my response. Glad you are beginning to accept such things in sonnets. Maybe someday I can post some of my early attempts which were loaded with such abominations   But I agree with you, if Bboog is just starting, he should first master the standard, at least to some extent.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



patchoulipumpkin
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196
Bermuda
6 posted 2000-03-06 01:33 PM


Hi bboog, i really like this poem.  I'll be honest, and be the first to tell you i know nothing of a sonnet's mechanics and structures, but i will comment on the content.

I liked the language you used as well as the tone, its very honest

"His perfect love is nothing like a sonnet"
Great

"As others talk of people they know"..
Brilliant, i've said this so many times, but i love reading how the poem is being processed in the poet's head.

the only thing i didn't like was the last line of the sonnet, it seemed too passive when compared to the earlier lines you used.

"And it can lift up your spirit inside".

Before this you stated exactly what "He" does, so i don't see why you shouldn't end it with the same certainty.

Ex. "His love is a kite that soars and glides
And lifts up my spirit inside"

This way it makes it a bit stronger, and the language tighter.  Anyway i loved the poem thanks for the read.

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
7 posted 2000-03-06 02:53 PM


To Pete, Patch and jbouder: Thank you again for taking your time to comment and slice n dice. I changed the last line and am thinking about how to change the "why take his time" line. Thanks again for your help, (I need a little more time to digest all of your comments)
best regards,
bboog

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