»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
As Earth Heaved a Sigh
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
As Earth Heaved a Sigh |
|
|
hailfellow Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 28 |
At the request of several moderators in my usual forum, I have moved this one here to be picked a part. Have fun. This one, though neither written for nor about her, is dedicated to a little Dove. As she knows well, lost love, to a poet, is a terrible thing. Enjoy. Ominous silence, foreboding unholy invention, Horrid oratorio of mischievous goblins, Tolls unchecked, without holy intervention, Under the lonely, slowly ascending, harvester’s moon. Whispering, mist settles softly into sodden earth, Soaking the saturated, silty, stagnant, swampy ground. Distant lightning, harbinger to a break in the silence. The earth heaves a sigh awaiting the oncoming storm. Not observing, not caring, yet silently despairing, The lone poet stands staring over the infant grave of his love, His dark bliss, his golden sun, his bright star outshining the moon. Unseen is her soft glowing, her pale brightness unknowing Beneath Hell’s greedy, unforgiving, impenetrable clay. Once a poet’s sole muse, now only a mind’s apparition, Even her blind vision sheds an unnatural light. Once banished memories now surface as sweet ambrosia. In the infinite boundaries of a broken poet’s mind, As an omniscient whirlwind, summer days glaze together, Pushing, shoving, combining with the ecstasy of nights. Woodland trepidations, like epic invocations, Once providing nourishment to a poet’s ravenous pen, Now serve to cramp the broken heart of a man. Shattered dreams flee with goals, beneath the ground with lost love. Tears fuse with rain to hide a broken heart’s failed intentions. Shared moments, soft kisses, true love’s trivial wishes, All plague this poet’s addlepated heart, broken mind. Unanswered questions with unthought of conversations, Seem to spring out as taboo in the poet’s lost selfness. Times of sickness, times of illness, gone but will be missed. They were times together, now times buried forever, Entombed in the blindness of the recess of man’s deepest thought, Past the moon’s last ascension, now in soft depression. Withered trees whistle sadly on the whims of the wind. Finally, nature decrees this stark silence to an end. Unknowing, unhindered, but heart not unlimbered, The poet still stands amidst nature’s fullest fury. His mind too encumbered to allow physical worry. Following God’s justice and Mother Nature’s mercy, The poet fell blinded by a supernatural light. Lost love, sad love, gone save for everlasting memory. Epitaph: Wrapped in Earth's embrace lying; God deemed an end to crying. Such love deserved not sad goodbying, So forever intervened. [This message has been edited by hailfellow (edited 03-07-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 hailfellow - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
hailfellow I have printed the poem out and will get back to you on this one. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I really loved this poem for its unique language and vocabulary, and great imagery. Nice job. Here are my suggestions/questions/comments: -Is it supposed to be "omnibus" or maybe is it "ominous" in the first line? -In the 6th line, I kind of overdosed on alliteration, all the "s" adjectives were a little too much for my tastes. -The first stanza and second stanza vocabulary seem almost as if they are by different authors or from different poets. I personally enjoy the strange and compelling language of the first stanza and would try to make the rest of the poem live up to its standard. -"Whithered trees whistle sadly"--I personally, am okay with it. Some however, will contest that trees can't whistle. I think they call it "pathetic fallacy". I liked it but just thought I would warn you that some might complain.(There are also other instances when you crossed from personification to p.f. but I will just give one example.) -You repeated "encumber(ed)". I absolutely love the epitaph. Beautiful. |
||
|
hailfellow Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 28 |
Kirk, I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. -I guess you're right. Omnibus wasn't the right adjective. Ominous is much better, thanks. -If you read the 6th line aloud and slowly, but at a whisper, it really brings out a feeling of mystery. I think I'll keep it the way it is. -You are quite observent with the change in writing style from the first stanza to the rest of the poem. I must admit, I wrote the first eight lines in Trigonometry class one day, but didn't strive to complete the poem until over a month later. I think, and I'll hold to this, that the first stanza SHOULD come from almost a different voice. It is part of the character of the poem. The first eight lines are slow and swaying, if you will, since it is discribing a scene that is divoid of anything of comfort or feeling. Contrariwise, the rest of the poem, since it is transporting the reader into the mind of the poet, is quicker and full of emotion. I hope you understand what I mean. -I have personally witnessed whithered trees wistling sadly. I like how the line conveys a feeling of climax, since the poem is approaching the climax at this point. -I know I repeat "encumbered", and I wish I could replace it. I don't know what with, though. Two "encumbered"s have bugged me for quite awhile now. I'd appreciate any tips about that one. The epitaph was added at an even later date. I felt that the poem ended kind of abruptly and didn't know how to finish it. I think it gives a sort of resolution to the reader. Thanks for all the really helpful comments. Have a nice day. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
hailfellow: I wasn't disagreeing with you about the trees, I just wanted to let you know that some people may have a problem (one of my profesors often complains about it in the works of famous authors). My personal attitude is that if YOU say that "the trees played badmitton," then that is exactly what they did; YOU know because YOU are the poet. Here are some suggestions to replace encumber: His mind too **1** to allow physical worry. Now serve to **2** the broken heart of a man **1**=burdened, hindered, hampered (I think I would keep encumbered here and replace the second one) **2**=burden, weight, hinder, saddle, hamper, or (here is an intereseting one since it refers to the heart muscle) cramp |
||
|
hailfellow Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 28 |
Kirk: Thanks a lot for the ideas. Hmmmm... I think "cramp" conveys the feeling rather nicely. If I knew how to edit it the poem on here, I'd do it right now. Since I do not know, it shall have to wait until a later publication. Thanks again for all of your help. -Gavin |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
