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Leslie
New Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 8


0 posted 2000-03-01 02:14 PM



The cotton fields have all been burned and paved,
the heat of blacktop blisters in the sun.
Now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave.

They bend confused, unsure how to behave,
the overseer is absent with the gun.
The cotton fields have all been burned and paved.

There are no chains or documents that waive
their freedom, mark their slavery or their son.
Now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave.

Language coils around them like a whip, they've
been warned that all 'associates' are one.
The cotton fields have all been burned and paved.

Resigned, they don the red vest of the knave,
its head hole, side-slits, cut for anyone.
Now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave.

They drag their canvas sacks through rows and save
their pickings for the weight of meager sums.
The cotton fields have all been burned and paved,
now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave.


 Kadoom. Kadoom. Ka-
diiiim. Kadoom. Now
I have beaten a song back into you,
rise & walk away like a panther.

'Ode to the Drum' by Usef Komunyakaa

© Copyright 2000 Leslie - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-03-01 03:51 PM


Leslie:

A villanelle?!?  Can you offer me any pointers on how to write one of these things?  Any villanelle written well is a noteworthy accomplishment in itself.  I commend you on your effort.  Welcome to Passions, by the way.

Although I've never written one to date, I've tried and, therefore, know the format of the villanelle pretty well.  They are usually written in iambic pentameter  (with the usual, conventional variations) and the first and last lines of the first stanza repeat alternatively as the end lines of the subsequent stanzas and as the last two lines of the poem.  Whew!

Now let's take a closer look at your villanelle.

"The cotton fields have all been burned and paved,
the heat of blacktop blisters in the sun.
Now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave."

This gave me the immediate impression of a southern urban highway during the heat of the summer (worst summers in the states).  I may have the interpretation of this poem completely wrong but I cannot help but to think this is about a modern "chain gang" becoming more popular in the southern USA.

"They bend confused, unsure how to behave,
the overseer is absent with the gun.
The cotton fields have all been burned and paved."

The first line of this stanza didn't flow as well as I think it could. Your meter is right but "...unsure how to behave" just didn't read smoothly to me.  

"There are no chains or documents that waive
their freedom, mark their slavery or their son.
Now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave."

This contributed to my prior suspicion that we are talking about a modern chain gang.  Something has been nagging at me with this.  What is the significance of the "twilight of the brave"?  Who are "the brave"?  "Twilight" implies an imminent end of something but because I'm not sure who "the brave" are I have a hard time grasping the meaning of the line and, as a consequence, the entire poem.  Ugh ... I hate when I can't figure them out!  

"Language coils around them like a whip, they've
been warned that all 'associates' are one.
The cotton fields have all been burned and paved."

Sounds like the same dehumanization that took place in the pre-Civil War era.  The only breakdown in the analogy that I can see is that the 18th & 19th century slaves were innocent of any wrong but it is likely that those on the chain gangs were guilty, at some point, of a crime that, in essence, dehumanized the victim.  Do you see what I mean?  But I can see how the "chain gang" mentality could be considered by some to be a trend that violates some basic human rights.  Just a thought.

"Resigned, they don the red vest of the knave,
its head hole, side-slits, cut for anyone.
Now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave."

I read this line as:

re-SIGNED / they DON / the RED / VEST OF / the KNAVE

The substitution of a spondaic foot for an iambic foot is pretty standard and I suppose "vest" could be pronounced with in a slightly less accented way.  Either way, I have no problems with it but if you do, I just wanted to point it out.  Good imagery here.  I seem to remember that "INMATE" was slapped on the backs of these vests in reflective, white letters.  Good imagery.

"They drag their canvas sacks through rows and save
their pickings for the weight of meager sums.
The cotton fields have all been burned and paved,
now slavery stocks the twilight of the brave."

I think they compensate the inmates a few dollars a day for picking up litter along the highways.  Your last lines tied this all together for me and I think you did this skillfully.  If the "twilight of the brave" suggests a decline or a backpedal toward darker days then I think I've gotten the message of this one loud and clear.

Good job.  I look forward to reading more of your work soon.

Jim







[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 03-01-2000).]

Ted Reynolds
Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331

2 posted 2000-03-01 04:05 PM


I felt much as Jim did during my first reading, but came up short at the end with the thought (suggested also by the title) that we just might be talking about malls and supermarkets here -- a new slavery.  The meaning is not clear to me, but the mood certainly is, and it is stark. The metrics work for me, (and I particularly admire your getting "they've" in as a neat rhyme.)  But who these slaves are . . . I'm not sure yet.
Leslie
New Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 8

3 posted 2000-03-01 06:50 PM


Thanks Jim for the welcome!

In a way it's ironic that my first posting is a villanelle.  I had my only formal training in writing poetry at Connecticut College where we only wrote in form.  Although I've been writing regularly for the past three years, I've only been writing poetry for the past six or seven months and it was very difficult to break out of form.  Now that I've become more comfortable with free verse, I notice that I occassionaly return to form just for pleasure or if I think it will be a good vehicle for content.  Believe me, I never thought I'd voluntarily choose a villanelle.  The form has never worked for me before.  I think I thought of it becaused I wanted to hammer the refrain lines home.  That, I guess, is what makes one work or not; whether the refrain lines bear repeating, for their content value or emphasis.  Here, of course, I used them for emphasis.  Whether they warrent it or not, I can't tell.
Do you know about the b rhymne?
A1bA2 abA1 abA2 abA1 abA2 abA1A2

I don't know. I think these french forms can be a horror!

I want to thank you for your close and thoughtful read.     I have felt discouraged with my writing lately,      and that is not good when you're a compulsive writer.  My regular forum shut down for 48 hours and I went into immediate withdrawal, but I had been thinking of joining an additional forum anyway, so maybe it's not a bad thing.  It gave me the push to post here.

I had already posted this poem in my other forum but unfortunately, with the chatty way we have, I had already let everyone know what it was about; so I was interested to see if my intent came through without an introduction.  It didn't, but it was interesting to see how it still conveyed a coherent meaning to you.  I knew I wasn't leaving many clues with my extended metaphor.  The only clues were in the title, 'stocks', 'associates' and 'red vest'.  If those don't convey it, there's really nothing else there.  I actually hadn't thought that people might associate blacktop with road; duh, I know.  
Guess I was hoping they'd translate the cotton fields into the image of blacktop and just ignored the more obvious association.
I borrowed twilight and brave from Francis Scott Keye.
I'll have to think about how to smooth 'unsure how to behave'.  I really need that end rhyme.  The French don't give you a lot of breathing space!  But I'll work on it.
Thanks again.

Hi Ted:  Thanks for reading and commenting.  Your thinking is very close to what I intended to convey.  I think Bollmarts is not as widespread as I thought, though I understand they are in China.  If you'd ever been to one of their stores, I think 'associate' would bring an immediate association.  I'm a pharmacist and they are the only national chain that I know of, that have been cited by name in a pharmacy journal for lack of ethics.
I also think I have to strengthen or somehow clarify my second refrain.  I'm open to any suggetions.
Thank you both again.
Leslie

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
4 posted 2000-03-02 01:41 PM


Leslie:

LOL.  I should have noticed the allusions to parking lots, stocking shelves, associates, pricing guns and obnoxious smocks (not to mention the title).  You gave us plenty to go on.  Yes, I knew about the "b" rhymes and YES those dang'd French forms can be infuriating (so many more end-rhymes available in French, you know ... I think they're a bit lazy, if you ask me).    But any well executed villanelle is an accomplishment and I commend you again on yours.

I'll think about that second refrain and let you know if my pedantic muse tenders any suggestions.  In the meantime, feel free to make this your second online home (even your first if you would like).  Just beware of the Ogre and the Prissy Brit (stick around and you'll figure it out).  Your thoughtful critiques are appreciated, btw.

Later.

Jim

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
5 posted 2000-03-07 03:18 PM


Hello Leslie,

I didn't have a clue as to what "Bollmarts" was until your response....it sounds a lot like "WalMart". Without your explanation though I wouldn't have caught on to what it was exactly about but knew you were talking about one form of slavery replacing another. After reading the explanation it comes across as very clever. The only clue I picked up on as to what you were referring to "Resigned, they don the red vest of the knave,
its head hole, side-slits, cut for anyone.", which did paint a picture of a retail store worker but then I summed it up as a road worker vest cleaning the highways.

"cut for anyone", very excellent statement in a few words.

ANyways, I'm usually a little more fluid with my critiques but I'm having trouble with this one because my mind can't seem to stop thinking how vague this poem originally seemed and how clever and witty this poem is now that I've read your explanation...so I guess I have to say it's an brilliant poem if you know what Bollmart is but might be a little vague if you don't. Thanks for the read and take care,
Trevor


Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
6 posted 2000-03-07 05:08 PM


Leslie

I once wrote a villanelle .. nearly killed me so I can appreciate what you achieved here and I don't think you made life exactly easy for yourself with the rhymes you chose.

I have to admit, first time round I took one look at the title and just assumed it was "some American poem" with a requirement to have some grasp of what goes on in your country .. so I looked no further ~blush~  .. now I see how wrong i was ... apologies.

My tactful American friend has, as usual, dissected the text, and you've done a pretty good job explaining, so all I can do is repeat "well done" ...

Philip

PS btw take no notice of Jim's hallucinations about monsters and Englishmen, he sees them everywhere ..lol  we're still tryin' to figure out what he's on !!!  

[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 03-07-2000).]

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