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hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271


0 posted 2000-02-26 01:17 AM



I put alot of thought into this poem to make it have a statement within the poem, took a while but i think i got it fixed,  see what ya think

Ode To Him

touched you once
loved you twice
watched you more
cold as ice

seen you there
your not here
show no emotion
heart stand still

bright eye shines
heart grows dim
sit alone tonight
your with him

--Hoppy


2-4-00  


 "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
Littlewings
Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62

1 posted 2000-02-26 01:25 AM


I love it.I really get what you are saying.It cuts to the chase and stays to the point.Honest and good.
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
2 posted 2000-02-26 12:57 PM


Nice, simple, and to the point.  I know it is hard working with short (Really, really, short actually!) rhyming lines, but I think you handle it pretty well.Here are my suggestions:

Ode To Him

touched you once
loved you twice
watched you grow* ? Just a suggestion.
cold as ice

seen you there
you're not here* added apostrophe
show no emotion
heart stand still*Did you mean "stands" or "stand", the way it is makes it sound like a command to your heart (which I like)

bright eye shines
heart grows dim
sit alone tonight
you're with him* added apostrophe

Ryhme pattern is not the same in the middle stanza, which is okay by me, but I thought I would point it out
1st and 3rd stanzas: ABCB
2nd stanza:          DDEF



hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

3 posted 2000-02-26 01:48 PM


thanks for the comments.  Yes i realize that the second stanza is out of the rhyme scheme but i meant to do that.  sort of break the redundancy a little.  and another reason it's the only way i could figure to make the poem do what i wanted.

I'll show you this cause i don't think anyone will catch it.  If you start with the last word in the first line and read everyother last word in each line you will see it says "once more there emotion shines tonight"  which complements the poem.  Thought i'd tell you that for the heck of it

 "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

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