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Critical Analysis #1
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Joanna T. Lopez
Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33
El Paso, Texas

0 posted 2000-02-24 07:23 PM


Remembering vaguely, watching..
Starring..as he stood over me.
Do you have any requests
Before your journey begins?

Intrigued, stunned, disbelief
At the sight of him! Twenty one years,
Never absorbing the thought of him
Revealing his mortal self.

At my request, quarter notes
Were played on his saxophone.
Hearing this, seeing him, the pieces,
The puzzle, nothing seemed to fit.

Family standing around my mortal
Life, tears decending from their ducts.
I spoke at them...what?
I don't under.....?
Were my words silent to them?

Turning towards him, in amazement,
Satisfied and content with
Quarter notes that were
Being played for me.

I understand now, I am ready.
He took my hand,
Saxophone strapped over his shoulder,
As we proceeded up the aisle for the dead.



[This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-25-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Joanna T. Lopez - All Rights Reserved
patchoulipumpkin
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196
Bermuda
1 posted 2000-02-24 11:25 PM


This is a really interesting poem. i had to read a couple of times to really understand it, that you were talking about Death incarnate at your side.  My suggestion is that you might want to make "him" more clear, so the reader understands exactly what you are talking about.  Also, in the second stanza you say, "intrigued, stunned, disbelief"  The disbelief doesn't really work because its not a descriptive word.  Maybe if you said, disbelieving in its place it might work.

Also its a minor adjustment, but I think the poem would work if you broke it up a little bit.  As it is now, it can stand as prose, and can be written that way, but changing the words a little might give it a poetic edge that is lost in the prose version.

Here's an idea

Remembering vaguely
Watching..
Starring...
As he stood over me

Do you have any requests?
He asked me
ME!

Intrigued
Stunned
Overwhelmed
I could see him!

Twenty one years
Never absorbing
Never realizing
He had a mortal self

He played quarter notes
On a saxophone
At my request

Hearing this
Seeing him
The pieces
The puzzle
It made sense somewhere
But not here
Not now

My family stands
Around my mortal life
Tears falling from their ducts
I speak at them...
What?
I don't under...
Can they not hear me?

Turning towards him
Amazed
With the quarter notes
Being played for me
It makes sense now
I'm ready

He takes my hand
Saxophone strapped over his shoulder
And we walk up
The aisle for the dead

Sorry I took the liberty to add and change it a bit, but i think it gives it a different feel. Anyway, enjoyed the poem.

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