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The Burden of Saving
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Burden of Saving |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
This heat is seductive The sun it's bait Like an old flame To the same moth The dog lies in the yard 11am - temperature 103 degrees Her eyes flat like the edge of a dime Her tongue an empty ladle She is still like a coffin Drugged without consent Her breath slow but cooler Than the balm in the sultry air I call her by name But her ears have gone deaf Deceived by smoldering earth She does not respond I grab her by the collar Burn my fingers on the leash links Drag her sweaty flank Into the air-conditioned house Inside she ignores me Indifferent to her rescue Whining at the back door Front paws on the warm glass Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 08-13-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
For the most part, i really like this. There are a couple things I would work on, though... You start out with a seductive heat description... I see the point, but it's boring... it's been done too many times before. Your descriptions are very good.... but i have an idea. Would you be willing to see how it would go if you changed your similes to metaphors? I think it would make your statements more powerful and close... for example: 'Her eyes flat like the edge of a dime Her tongue an empty ladle' becomes 'Her eyes are the flat edge of a dime Her tongue an empty ladle' and 'She is still like a coffin' becomes 'She is a still coffin' Other than that, this works. It is written with the indifference particular to a hot day, and the irony at the end makes the peice itself a nice peice of metaphor. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
I enjoyed the read, some really great images "Drugged without consent Her breath slow but cooler Than the balm in the sultry air" but I agree with Hush about metaphors, and also the flow of the poem, many of the sentences are self contained, the poem does not flow quite how I feel it should, and this is really only a matter of editing. for example, "Her eyes flat like the edge of a dime Her tongue an empty ladle" I would definitely remove the second "her" from the start. I think these two lines should flow into each other. The use of the word "like" really disrupts the flow of the poem, you have some great images And the last two verses are very well written "I grab her by the collar Burn my fingers on the leash links Drag her sweaty flank Into the air-conditioned house Inside she ignores me Indifferent to her rescue Whining at the back door Front paws on the warm glass" it is just parts of the other verses don't flow with the same ease. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hush & Citizen Thanks for the careful critical analysis. I really agree with every point you both have made. I have had the problem lately of writing and editing my work concurrently, so that I can't even remember what I was intending to say when I'm done. This time I wrote the boring (Hush, I knew the first line would have to go)so that my ideas could form fully formed without being pruned before they had shape. You are both correct about the metaphors, and I am going to look through all my work to see if some ideas could not be better expressed using them. Thank you for the close read. Jeen |
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