When Lightening Strikes - pipTalk Forums

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Critical Analysis #1

When Lightening Strikes

Joanna T. Lopez
Junior Member

since 2000-02-02

Posts 33
El Paso, Texas

0 posted 2000-02-24 02:22 PM

A night of uncumbered serenity.
Early morning hours, illuminating
A caressing coolness that entertwines
The ignited flesh of two lovers.
Distant rains surrendering to a flashing,
Yet gentle seducing light, as the flesh
Unites becoming one again.

[This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-24-2000).]

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2000-02-24 05:18 PM

Nice poem. Good sounds. uncumbered is good. Here are my suggestions: I don't like "one once" right together, the sound is good but for me it disturbs the rythym. I would drop "once" because it is also sort of redundant ("becoming one again" instead of "becoming one once again") Also I would use commas to make it read smoother.

patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

2 posted 2000-02-24 11:48 PM

Hi, you have great intent with this poem, but it needs a little work with vocabulary and the poetic intent that you are getting across. I.e. from your first line, are you going into a transition to the morning that comes from the serene evening? Also, yet gentle seducing light, is too much, it is a bit redundant, gentle seducing. I'll give you my idea, of what i think you might be going for.

A night of unemcumbered serenity
Is taken into early morning hours
Where the flesh of two lovers
Is illuminated by their own caresses

While outside
Distant rains fall
Through flashes of lightning
United by purpose
They both remain together
And apart
As lovers
Stealing time
To feel one another

I don't know if that makes sense, but reading your poem the first time it seemed really convoluted, that you had the feeling for what you wanted to describe but you were a little unsure of the words. Hope this might have helped...
Marc

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