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Sadness Fills My Soul
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sadness Fills My Soul |
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Abby Junior Member
since 2001-08-12
Posts 12Texas |
It's over now, I turn to leave A single tear runs down my cheek My misery. My mind is blank, shattered and torn Not quite sure if I can carry on. My heart is broken, beaten and worn Again I mourn. Sadness fills my soul, one desperate cry. Many wasted years, all gone and past I want to die One step is hard, the next is pain Was it all for naught with nothing to gain? All in vain? I can't look forward, or even back Frozen in time by life's cruel attack Neither white nor black. Now on my knees, I pray to the heavens above To rescue me, to give me love I fear I am tired, ready to quit As sure as the tears that I cry as I sit Now here I am, the dark has come Yet again on my lonely home My mind is blank, shattered and torn My heart is broken, beaten and worn The decision is made for my sake I must abide To swallow my pride, Cast all aside To start anew with my conscious as my guide Knowing in my heart I tried. © 2000 Poetic Creations All Rights Reserved |
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| © Copyright 2001 Poetic Creations - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
My soul felt your sadness in this poem. It's never easy to part. But it sounds as if you found the secret to moving forward again. Writing is like a giant bandage and a warm hug, it can help heal all kinds of wounds. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Abby, Welcome to Critical Analysis. It's good to have a new voice from time to time. As for your poem, you did get the emotion across very well. I too was able to feel the intensity. I got the feeling, however, that the rhyme got in the way of the message here. This might be a more moving read if you dropped the rhyme entirely. I didn't really feel that it was forced, as so often happens in something of this nature. But without a real rhythm to it the rhyme just didn't seem right. At times it was overdone, too, I think. Check your email for a message. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Well.... I do agree that the rhyme is a bit overdone. Your rhythm is okay... meaning the wording wasn't too bulky or anything. But the words you use to convey your emotions didn't really convey that much to me.... I mean, I don't know how you feel. I know that sadness is filling your soul, but msot of the poem is like that- vague. I would suggest reading some poetry, either here, or preferably well known poets in print, to get ideas about innovation and description. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Abby, I am guessing that your are starting out writing poetry, which is great and keep going. I think the first important rule to remember is that rhyme does not make a poem, in fact rhyme can rule a perfectly good poem. It is not easy, and I think you should focus on just putting your emotions on to the page, like a diary except in some poetic form. I did enjoy the read, and I know that pain at the loss of love. Writing poetry can help heal your heart. I have echo Hush's advice "read," if you are looking for poets I suggest Dylan Thomas. Many of his poems were in rhyme form I think you might find them helpful. Look forward to reading more of your poems. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Abby Junior Member
since 2001-08-12
Posts 12Texas |
hmmm. This poem (although not everyones favourite) was very real to me. I have had others say the same about it, but it tells of a chapter in my life that was so trying for me. Because of this, it's one of my favorites. As far as it being vague, I did mean for it to be due to the emotions I was going through at the time. I didn't want to appear to be an absolute nut case lol. The message I hoped to convey is no matter how bad things may seem, they do get better and you should never give up. Thanks for your comments. |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Hi Abby, the thing about Crit is that people are honest in their opinions and their suggestions are effort to point out things in your poem that could be improved, and help you to be become a better poet. We are all here to learn from each other. I understand that poems can have a special meaning for us because they were written in a time of deep pain or joy, the best poetry can come from those emotions. The important thing is to be honest with your emotions, forget rhyme and structure that can come later over time for the moment just let those emotions run loose on the page, we wouldn't think you are nuts, becuase that is what poets do, don't worry what other people might think or say about your poetry. If those feelings are real for you then express them. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Although I said earlier that I thought the rhyme got in the way of the poem in this case, I did not suggest forgetting rhyme and meter all together, as Citizenx has proposed (j/k) And I suspect all poets are at least a little nuts. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Yeah... What's wrong with sounding like a nutcase? My favorite poet is Allen Ginsberg, and a lot of his poems are raving lunacies (that's probably not a real word...  ) I can understand why someone might want to keep a poem vague, but the problem with keeping a poem vague is that it removes the reader from the emotions the writer is trying to convey, which spoils the effect a poem should have. Maybe you could work on getting the words closer to the nuances of your emotions... the things that make your sad different than my sad. It helps us see emotions in different ways, and it helps celebrate the innate individuality we all have. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Soul Survivor New Member
since 2001-08-15
Posts 7Canada |
Wow Abby, Have I ever been where you are. I felt as though your poem was cathartic. Did you get some peace through it's writing? Sometimes, I think that poetry is like an emotion that allows it's voice to be heard. Thank you for sharing it. |
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