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Brent Hotchkin
Junior Member
since 2000-02-15
Posts 42
Florida,USA

0 posted 2000-02-18 05:54 PM




For what we’re worth


Follow the path through the mountains and trees.
It is there where solitude sets you free.
Come closer. Walk deeper into my cave.
Where naivety and conformity no longer enslave.
The freedom long lost and so seldom found.
In this social structure once thought so profound.
It is once upon a time,
And happily ever after,
That drives my soul into this pessimistic laughter.
Although education sheds some light on a brighter day.
My soul still weeps carry me far, far, away.
How wise are you, your knowledge is in vain.
If you don’t head you’re souls warning,
Why play these retched games?  
Arrogance violence and peace
Are the three main choices
As for a direction of this earth.
Which one we choose shows how much were worth.
We only know that which we see and hear.
We seem to be ruled by hatred and fear.
WE are driven by our vices and not by our souls.
Some of us awaken by the time we’ve grown old.
By then it is too late to make a change.
Our lives to possessed to rearrange.


[This message has been edited by Brent Hotchkin (edited 02-21-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Brent Hotchkin - All Rights Reserved
Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
1 posted 2000-02-19 12:54 PM


Hey Brent

I see your new to this forum as well. I just started posting myself.  I am sure that every one has told you not to take any comments to seriously they are only opinions.  So here goes

I think it may a bit to long.  I started to wander near the end.  I think the topic is a great, one near and dear to my heart.  The rhyme is great and helps the flow and there are some lines that I really enjoyed like

That drives my soul into this pessamistic laughter.

Thanks see ya



 Death makes angels of us all
and gives us wings
where we had shoulders
smooth as raven claws

Jim Morrison

Brent Hotchkin
Junior Member
since 2000-02-15
Posts 42
Florida,USA
2 posted 2000-02-19 12:29 PM


Thanks Tony. I was shocked to get a reply. Thank you for breaking the ice. I thought it might stay at 0 for ever. After it stayed at 0 for 4 hours in open poetry 6 I figured I might stick it in here. Thanks for the encouragement. I will remember not to take anything too seriously. Jim Morrison Good choice
jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
3 posted 2000-02-20 02:56 AM


brent--

i think this piece has some potential, with its echoes of the famous cave parable in plato's republic, but, as it is, it is way too general, in my opinion; it just comes off as empty pontificating.

and the misspelled words don't help matters.  if you're going to use words like naivete, pessimistic, sheds, vain, and rearrange, lern how to spel them rite.  i'm assuming "earht" was just a simple typo, but it doesn't hurt to proofread, either.  six misspelled words in a poem, especially one purporting to tout the Wisdom Of The Ages, is six too many.  watch your punctuation, too; a lot of your lines end with periods when you should use commas or nothing at all, and it makes the piece choppy and hard to understand.  these things are important, brent.  if you don't care about your writing, why should anyone else?

sorry, don't mean to be rude; i guess i'm just in a "pessamistic" mood tonight.

like i said, though, i think this poem has alot of potential, your ideas here are very interesting (and having something interesting to say is more than half the battle, lol).  

jenni



[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-20-2000).]

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 2000-02-20 09:39 PM


Brent,
I suppose a poem can be like a walk through the mountains and the trees but be careful you don't run into the Blair Witch along the way. The poem needs more control, more direction -- the spelling errors can be corrected of course but it seems you had a strong image and just 'went with it', perhaps also with the idea of a couplet rhyme scheme. I did kinda like the short sentences in the beginning -- made me think of a wise man talking for some reason but you lose it somewhere along the way. Less telling and more showing.

Jenni,
How in the world do you see Plato's cave parable in this? That's about not knowing and this is all about knowing what to do.

Well, whatever you decide to do, keep writing.
Brad

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
5 posted 2000-02-20 11:08 PM


brad--

i said "echoes" of the cave parable, lol, as in "walk deeper into my cave", "how wise are you your knowledge is in vaine [sic]", and "We only know that which we see and hear."  can't you hear ol' mr. plato in there somewhere?  lol

jenni

Brent Hotchkin
Junior Member
since 2000-02-15
Posts 42
Florida,USA
6 posted 2000-02-21 12:45 PM


Thanks for the advice guys. I apologise for the spelling 100% literacy in three languages is not as easy as one might think. I couldnt get my cut and paste to work right either but I have straightened it out. Thanks again
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