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So Low??
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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So Low?? |
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devinmaria Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 130Middletown, Ohio |
You ask me why I slither, Upon the dirty gorund, Why I do not stand up, Walk like you, be proud, You question as to my motives, For hiding underground, Answers are no insight, Still they are profound, You ponder as to why I, Stare at that puddle on the floor, Filling, filling, slowly, Yet you still ignore, Curious as to why I try to, Sleep upon the floor, You chuckle as to my knocking, At the bottom of your door, You continue to wonder, Your curiosity grows, Every towering moment, You stare down your nose, I rebel against your requests, No remorse to show, Why do I look down? Cause I feel so low? Trust I seek and I find in you. Everyday for us something new. Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters. --Metallica |
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| © Copyright 2000 Aimee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Devinmaria: Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis. I think one of the first things I noticed about this poem was its abrupt choppiness. One way to fix this is by not making all of your end words end-stops or pauses. Don't make all of your end words in a line the end of a sentence or phrase. "You ask me why I slither, Upon the dirty gorund, Why I do not stand up, Walk like you, be proud," First, I think you ought to consider dropping the near-rhyme in this. The poem reads a little forced already. The comma at the end of the first line is unnecessary, by the way. Maybe: "You ask me why I slither Upon the dirty ground And why I do not stand And walk upright like you." Just a suggestion. The wording could use some tweaking but I think if you could get the lines to flow a little easier, your poem would improve a great deal. "You question as to my motives, For hiding underground, Answers are no insight, Still they are profound," Choppiness is a problem in these lines too. You can eliminate "as to" in the first of these lines. It is just surplusage. The comma in the first line is unnecessary as well. Another thing, if answers are no insight, how are they profound? It seems to me that they would be anything BUT profound. "You ponder as to why I, Stare at that puddle on the floor, Filling, filling, slowly, Yet you still ignore, Curious as to why I try to, Sleep upon the floor," Again, get rid of "as to" and the first comma. You also may want to consider getting rid of the commas in the "Filling filling slowly line". The commas imply to strong a pause in those places, I think. Again, get rid of "as to" after "Curious". "You chuckle as to my knocking, At the bottom of your door, You continue to wonder, Your curiosity grows, Every towering moment, You stare down your nose," You really like that "as to" don't you? In this case "at" is the better choice. Up until this point you had a pretty consistent rhythm going. Beginning with "You continue to wonder" the rhythm breaks down. Get rid of the comma after "knocking" and "moment". "I rebel against your requests, No remorse to show, Why do I look down? Cause I feel so low?" I know you are trying to rhyme here but "No remorse to show" just doesn't have a natural sound to it. "Show no remorse" sounds much better than "No remorse to show". The last line needs some reworking. "Cause" should be "Because". I can see no reason for shortening it the way you did. I would suggest you clean this one up a little bit. Most of the problems I noted were grammatical in nature. I didn't explore the content much because it was very difficult to get past the grammatical mistakes and misuses. There is a forum that just started that you may want to check out called "The English Workshop". I think you would find this place to be a good tool to help you improve your writing. Jim |
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