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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Music |
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mister61 Junior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 41bergen county, nj |
She's music to my eyes In ways that somehow still surprise A sight that fills my ears With songs to last through all my years She's beauty defined The joy and pain that fill my mind The swell that fuels my heart, My missing peace before the start She's always been just you There's no one old and no one new Just you can hold the key To reach the truest part of me |
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| © Copyright 2000 Harris Fleming - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello 61, I guess I get to be first to discuss this one with you  I like it pretty well. I like the couplet format and your twist of following three foot lines with four foot lines is a little unusual. I still want to read these things the other way around but I think it works this time.Your meter is solid throughout except for a missing foot in the first line of the second stanza. That one really jarred the flow for me. I think it really needs to be there. Try something like She's beauty as defined I don't particularly like that wording but the extra syllable makes it flow right. On content, I think I would separate "joy" and "pain" in the next line to better show the contrast. Maybe use yet instead of and. The joy yet pain that fill my mind Just an idea. Finally, at first I thought you had made a mistake in the last stanza in speaking TO her rather than ABOUT her. But on second reading, I see that you have handled that transition quite well  But I wonder if some other word to replace "truest" might be more suitable in the last line.Some may ask for more specifics or examples but I am satisfied with the level of detail you have included here. A nice sentimental piece which should reach her heart, if that's possible. Oops, I had to come back to discuss the first stanza. She's music to my eyes In ways that somehow still surprise A sight that fills my ears With songs to last through all my years I'm still undecided on your use of music with eyes and sight with ears. I mean, it's an interesting concept and I don't really have a problem with it until I read and absorb the whole stanza. Then I am left with the impression that possibly you just had to give up and force that to make the rhyme work. I don't know that to be the case but, at least subconsciously, it's what comes to mind. As I said, if it weren't for the rhyme thing, I wouldn't mind this at all. In fact I find it interesting, a sort of unusual metaphor, if you will. Again this is JMHO. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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